I just got off the phone with the Professor, which I highly recommend to everyone who’s feeling out of sorts. I, of course, was feeling quite out of sorts after being called a narcissistic princess by a man whose praises I spent all Tuesday singing, but I chose not to burden the Professor with that.
Instead, I was telling her about my exciting trip to the counsellor. I won’t bore you with the details except to say that I’ve been told I need to get a reign on my inner child and possibly some medication for my mildly moderate depression.
It is this mildly moderate depression I’d like to mull over. It’s not that I doubt that I’m fucked up. Clearly, I’m fucked up. I’m not an idiot. But I don’t feel depressed. Except for the thing that shall not be named, I feel pretty good about my life. Exciting things are happening; we’re more financially secure than we’ve ever been (knock on wood); I’ve got good friends who love me; and I’ve got the cutest dog who delights me.
I don’t feel depressed.
I feel anxious.
And that’s kind of two-pronged what the Professor and I were talking about, how I have a ton of anxiety and that, even though it seems to have manifest itself more acutely recently, that’s also because I’ve been doing a lot of new things that are incredibly scary and great sources of anxiety for me.
In the past, I just would not have done those things and so I probably appeared less anxious, but basically just because I stayed in my comfort zone and never did things that would cause me any anxiety. But now, as I’m doing more things that freak me the fuck out, lo and behold, I am often freaked right the fuck out.
So, it’s kind of a self-perpetuating problem–doing new things makes me anxious but I want to do new things so that I can get over being freaked right the fuck out by doing them. I mean, folks, I have every intention of making Don Coyote put me back on that fucking four-wheeler and listening to me bitch and cry again until I finally just get the fuck over it, if I can. I’d like that, anyway.
I hadn’t ever been to a counsellor of any sort before. It’s not what I expected. And I felt like I was spending a lot of time just bringing her up to speed so that she could understand me. I don’t think anything during the session helped me understand me.
But the work I did afterwards, to try to understand what she was saying and to judge it against my own understanding of myself has been amazingly useful.
I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m discounting her diagnosis. It’s just that I don’t feel depressed and I rely a great deal on my emotions and intuition to guide me. I’d be really freaked out to discover that I was so out of touch with the tools I so heavily rely on that I couldn’t tell when I was depressed.
On the other hand, I always feel a little anxious. Anxiety is a constant companion and one that does get in the way sometimes of me being in touch with my own self–as evidenced by the anxiety attacks and my freaked out response to them.
And the other thing is that I don’t want to patch myself together just so I can continue to do the thing we won’t talk about. If it takes drugs and counselling to make it so I can continue to bear the thing we won’t mention, it seems to me that I need to find some thing other than the thing we won’t mention to spend my time on.
Is that myopic?