The High Bar, Cont.

I sense the world’s most awesome trend starting, folks.
I bring you–The Birthday Afghan.

In Which I Almost Die of a Stroke

So, we’re driving along and the nephew announces, “I see something black!”
“Is it a red door painted black?”
“No, it’s God.”
“God is in the car.”
“No, God’s clothes.”
“God’s a ninja?”
“Yep. Hei-ya!”
The Butcher: “Did you not see me trying to sleep here, man?  Who karate chops a man in his sleep?” I start to giggle, but try not [...]

The Bar Gets Set Dang High

If everybody I made afghans for sent me pictures of the afghans like this, you could safely call me the most delighted girl in the world.
I bring you–the Kool-aid Afghan.

Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo, Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law

The dog and I got up early and went for a walk and we walked all over a park only at the last minute to see the sign that said “No pets.”
Oops.
We were up early because I have learned the secret of why Grandma A. got up early.  The earlier you awake is in direct [...]

What’s the Word?

I think the Missus’s family has a word for this, so I hope she chimes in if she sees this, but what’s it called when you’ve paused your TiVo so that you let real life (like say a football game) get about a half an hour ahead of you so that you can watch it [...]

“What Color Am I?”

My littlest nephew likes nothing more at this stage in his life than calling the dog’s name over and over for no reason, running at me as fast as he can and then leaping onto me (I’m going to have bruises for weeks, I’m sure), and yelling in Applebee’s as loud as he can “What [...]

I’m On My Way!

While I’m packing, I’m going to make the Butcher memorize these steps so we can dance it at rest stops.

In Fact, I Don’t Have Any On, Right Now!

I have a new theory about pants.  I know many of you are unaware that I had an old theory about pants, but I did, hearkening back to when I was a wee girl, and that was that pants were awesome and it was unfair that I was made to wear sundresses that matched my [...]

How Did It Get to Be Four O’Clock Already?

I have accomplished very little of what I need to accomplish to leave the state tomorrow.  But I did eat another one of the french dips from that deli at the corner of McGavock and Riverside, which has a name but apparently I can’t be bothered to learn it.  Probably, it’s taken up with Maggiano’s.  [...]

Damn You, HGTV!

Oh, my beautiful earthlings, yesterday I walked through a house I could love.  Big front porch, two decorative fireplaces, one of which had that old timey mantle with the mirror.  A dining room, a kitchen with a breakfast nook, a back porch, a basement, an upstairs that could be turned over to the Butcher.  Hardwood [...]

I Rule!

Oh, how Fortune’s Wheel has turned since this morning!
Vacation?  Approved.  Favor?  Completed?  My continued suckage?  Averted.

Quickies

–”Melungeon Mixer.”  Never let it be said that Appalachian folks don’t have a wicked sense of humor.
–Mack, Sarcastro, you think on this, give us some options, and get back to us.  If the rule is that it has to contain Jack or George, I’d like it to be something like this–One drop of Tennessee Whiskey, [...]

That’s What She Said

Every once in a while I must call Mack and ask him a question, like “What does ‘es mucho hombre esta mujer’ mean?” and he pauses like he can’t quite decide if I’m asking him to translate the punchline to an old dirty joke or if I’m asking something serious.
“Um…” he says, trying to buy [...]

I Suck

Y’all, I completely forgot about a giant thing I promised to do for a friend.  And I need to figure out how I can take next week off without my boss being in the country to clear it with.  And neither are things I can do anything about at 2:30 in the morning, but that’s [...]

I Wish I Had Never Seen You

This is the house we went knocking around in that I loved, a rehab in an up and coming part of town.  It was fun to see it coming together, to see all the nice little touches.
But now, I wish I’d never seen it.
Because, you know, you start to think–okay, I could make do without, [...]

A Minor Scandal I’d Pay Good Money to See

What happens when the copyright holders to the music and clips see this?  I think you can make an argument for fair use taking clips from the news, but stealing Jay Leno’s material?  I’m not so sure.  And the song?  Clear copyright violation.

A Photo of The Moat

If you embiggen it, I think you can get a sense of how it seemed to wrap around the whole house.  The only drawback (aside from it suggesting that there might be a drainage problem on the lot) was that it didn’t have a drawbridge.

In News Funny Only To Me

I have two months of vacation accrued. I need to take a big chunk of it because my work has this policy that you can only accrue two years worth of vacation and then it stops accruing.
This is hilarious to me for two reasons.
1. Two months’ worth of vacation? I could literally [...]

I’d Heard, But Never Seen

Kathy and I looked at three houses today.  One was awesome, but too expensive.  So, let’s just ignore that.  The other two houses were… well, one had small trees holding the house up in the basement instead of regular lumber.  Literally with bark on and everything, just sitting down there resting on the basement floor, [...]

Listen Up, Nashville Scene

Now that Stephen Fotopulos is head of TIRCC, you’ve got an excuse to put him in next year’s swimsuit edition!
Speaking of cuties, I notice you never include any fat, sloppy blogger bitches in your summer guide.  Is it because of some kind of envious fear of the wonderfulness of my boob freckle?
Also, you might consider [...]

Two More

Kathy and I are going out to look at two more houses this morning (which means I need to go get in the shower right now!) and I am numb about the whole thing.  Still, at this point, I feel like you’ve got to keep moving, like a shark, keep those houses washing over you [...]

Selling Out the Rural Folks

I grew up watching Hee Haw and I know folks have written shit-tons of material about Hee Haw and I’m not going to say anything that other folks haven’t already said. But I liked it. I thought it was subversive. It took the truth and stereotypes and artistry and comedy and mixed [...]

An Open Letter to You, Mr. Anonymous Internet Searcher

Dear Sir (or Ma’am, but I’m guessing ‘Sir’):
When you search for “‘tiny cat pants’ fat bitch” or “‘tiny cat pants’ sloppy bitch,” and you then click on results that bring you to Tiny Cat Pants, I can see that you’ve been using those search terms.  If, in the future, you’d like to see if anyone [...]

Why Am I Not Surprised?

As you know, paganism isn’t some giant monolythic movement.  I, for instance, prefer to think of myself as a heathenish polytheist, meaning, I believe in most gods but prefer to stick with a loose confederation of germanic gods.  But even among folks who prefer those same gods, there is a wide spectrum of belief and [...]

Damned if You Do; Damned if You Don’t

Rachel over at Women’s Health News has a post about the girls who supposedly made a “pregnancy pact” to all get pregnant and raise their babies together.  As you’ll recall, this even made it into Time, where everyone could ooo and aah and faint in shock at the slutty, slutty behavior of those naughty teenagers.
Well, [...]