Hoverers, Let’s Strike a Deal

Raise the toilet seat. And I will not hunt you down and wipe my piss-drenched ass on you.

Seriously, every time I go to the bathroom at Noshville, I end up sitting in someone’s piss. And I realize those are shitty stalls and it’s hard to line up over the toilet correctly. Shoot, that’s the reason I go down to J&J’s Market. Sure, I also pick myself up a treat. But it’s to use a toilet you don’t have to be a contortionist to sit on.

But… hoverers. You’re hovering. You’re not sitting in the first place. So why can’t you hover over the bowl with the seat up?

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10 thoughts on “Hoverers, Let’s Strike a Deal

  1. For some reason, I read the operative word in the title of this post as “Hoosiers.” You can see why I found the rest of the post pretty confusing.

  2. What is it about shared bathrooms that people don’t understand?
    If you hover and miss, clean it up. Please flush when done, I don’t need to see that. Wash your hands before touching the paper towel dispenser and/or door which I then have to touch after your questionable hands have been all over.
    I mean, really, are these things that difficult to do?

  3. Don’t get me started on this, lest I launch a diatribe about how there’s a certain someone who leaves residual mulch in the bowl in my office. I’m not talking about skids, I’m talking about free-floating debris.

    I mean, (a) go to the doctor. But (b) how hard is it to double-flush?

    I realize that this is a public facility and I’m not the only one who has to “drop the deuce” there on occasion, but at least let me entertain the illusion.

  4. Is it wrong that this makes me miss Nashville? Because it does. Even though I don’t want to sit in pee in Noshville.

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  6. Honestly,

    I think that the whole reason Hoverers do hover is because they don’t want to come in contact with a germy toilet seat. That they make germy by hovering…but there’s irony for you.

    So if they don’t want their ass to touch it, it’s a safe bet their fingers are going nowhere near the thing.

    But then let me also add this, not because I don’t totally agree with what you’re saying but because I have had this same experience at an office where I used to work.

    Are you sure it’s pee and not splash-back from a superflushing toilet? Because we had one toilet that did this at my old office. I am not a hoverer, but I always flush and double check that I’m leaving a courteous bowl for the next person. I noticed that the flush left droplets on the seat. Never used that stall again.

  7. Every bathroom should have a nice pit toilet that the hoverers can hover over to their hearts’ content.

    Coble, we have one like that at work too. It sounds like an airplane taking off.

  8. Coble, you know, this is a good question–especially in regard to Noshville. Because, now that I think about it, I sat down. I was grossed out that it was wet. I wiped. I stood up and wrestled with my underwear. But the stall really isn’t big enough to turn and face the toilet while flushing, so I just reached back to flush.

    And when I opened the stall door, I looked back and thought “Jesus Christ, it’s still wet.” Even after I sat in it. So I wiped it off and flushed again, not looking to see what happened when I left.

    But maybe it just does splash the fuck up out of the bowl.

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