The Expendables

A while back the Butcher and the Red-Headed Kid tried to make me sit through The Expendables 2, which was so terrible that even they eventually got bored and went back to shooting things in video games. But they insisted that the first one was awesome.

The Butcher and I watched it this weekend and it was pretty awesome in just the ways you’d hope cheesy action movies would be. I wish Jason Statham could be in every movie, even if he just made brief ass-kicking appearances. Like you’d be watching some period drama with women all trussed up and men wearing top hats and people would be drinking tea and, out the large windows, you’d see time-period-appropriately-dressed Jason Statham kicking the shit out of some guy. Who knows why?

Anyway, I was delighted to see Dolph Lundgren in it as well, even though his character never made any sense to me. One minute he was good, then evil, then good again? Apparently he’s magic, so as long as you shoot him in the chest, but not in any vital organs (apparently they’re much more sparse in the chest than I’d realized), dude can be up and around in a matter of days. It seemed like days anyway. Why didn’t True Blood cast him as Eric’s dad? Is there some way we can make that happen? The show already makes no sense. Let’s just recon that his dad didn’t die or wasn’t that dude we already saw and, instead, it was Dolph who is also a vampire.

If there is going to be a moment when a lot of Swedish guys glower at me this week, I hope Lundgren is in on it.

Come on, Sweden! I am pulling for you to make this happen.

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