I Have Feelings about BATTLESHIP

I think they may be feelings that mean I’m old. But it stars a dude who looks too much like Channing Tatum Channing, who is already bordering on vaguely unrememorable and he’s a complete fuck-up. His brother, though, is Erik the Vampire, who commands a ship. This brings up the first problem I have with BATTLESHIP. Why would any girl date an unremarkable fuckup when his brother is Erik the Vampire, who surely has room for a concubine or seven? Second problem, and I didn’t get that far in watching it, but there’s a disaster and the boat Erik the Vampire commands is destroyed and the boat the Japanese are commanding is mortally wounded (I’m not a sailor, so I assume there’s some sea lingo for this situation I just don’t know). Who can command the other boat–that appeared to come out of nowhere–, now that Erik the Vampire is dead?!?! Competent Japanese commander who seems to have his shit together and who is not piloting a crew who’s running around going “Holy shit!!!!! The next in command is Poor-Man’s-Channing-Tatum-Channing!!!! We’re all going to die!!!!!” (This is almost word-for-word dialog from the movie. I shit you not.) or the generic fuck-up whose crew fears being under his leadership?

It would be less hilariously offensive if the Japanese leader died or seemed less incredibly competent. But as it is, at the end of the world, they don’t rely on the leadership of the only living person who actually has leadership skills but instead focus on a guy who, in a just world, would be getting cuckolded by his brother while he was being too dumb to notice. Did I mention that Erik the Vampire is supposed to be his brother? It’s befuddling. Like who were their parents supposed to be? “Our dad is Baldur, the most handsome of all the gods. Our mom was a pile of mashed potatoes shaped into a snowman that vaguely resembled Channing Tatum Channing?” There’s just no way that those two men are brothers. It’s like the casting director threw up his hands and was like “I spent all my time getting Liam Neeson in this film and then looking at Erik the Vampire. I don’t have time for sensicle casting decisions!”

Okay, so yes, that part is really racist.

But Potato Dude as a trope interests me. Because I come from the era of movies about male fuck-ups–STRIPES, ANIMAL HOUSE, REVENGE OF THE NERDS, (hell, GOONIES, and STAND BY ME, also to some extent and maybe THE LOST BOYS as the horror version of the trope). But these were all about groups of male fuck-ups who everyone acknowledged were fuck-ups and the adventures we were watching were their fuck-ups coming to some final head. And, yes, often it worked out just fine for them. But they weren’t heroes.

But I wonder about this idea that a guy who already has so much–a good career, the Admiral’s daughter, a brother who watches out for him, etc.–and who continues, as Liam Neeson’s character points out, to squander it ill, should be given even more chances and more responsibility for people because, eventually, he will become a hero. How many chances are you supposed to give to a fuck-up in order to guarantee that, when the chips are down, they will come through?

What a weird fantasy to sell about men.

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5 thoughts on “I Have Feelings about BATTLESHIP

  1. There was way too much of that movie without a Skarsgard. I have a bizarre thing for movies in which “Americans save the world from aliens!,” but still – there is still more than hour left after he dies! Plus, I don’t see how you can kill off a Skarsgard with just an explosion and moving on – there needs to be, like, 20 minutes of women and men alike weeping. :)

  2. That was the weirdest part! You have two people in the movie who can act. One of them is the smoking hotness and you kill him off halfway through the movie so that Son-of-Potato can learn to be a man?

  3. I have not seen the movie. But here’s my take. Channing Tatum is the boring one, except his stick-out ears are memorable. Taylor Kitsch is just adorable; however, he needs long hair. Hairy Taylor is better than all the rest.

    Okay, my 16 year old girl moment is over.

  4. My only weird feeling about Battleship is how much I resented my husband for making me sit all the way through it. Seriously. It was so annoying and loud and I’m getting too old for movies where everything is just turned to shit all the time. My tolerance for watching things destroyed is decreasing markedly and rapidly. Yet he was all “we paid for pay per view for this so we’re watching the whole thing.” I’ve never resented $6 more.

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