Don’t Do This

When your brother’s funky deformed cactus falls off the window ledge, just let it fall.  Do not reach for it.
No.
Do not attempt to catch it with your bare hands.
What kind of idiot would do that?
Also, I should point out, that the same advice holds true for all cacti.  Unless you are doing some weird fraternity [...]

Note to Self

He’s got “OpenSource” not “open sores.”  Now, keep nodding politely while he rambles on.

I Learn the Hard Lessons So You Don’t Have To

When making a bitter green salad for people, keep in mind that Romaine lettuce is pretty tightly packed in there and compressed a great deal by the twisty.  Not only is one head enough, it’s probably not necessary to find the biggest head you can find, nor to fret about whether you’re going to need [...]

This flu

For your own good, if someone with this flu approaches you or your loved ones, treat them as you would any member of the living dead.

Trust Me

Before you leave for work, check that your crock pot is on “low” not “warm” or you will eat cereal for dinner.

Also, It’s Important to Ask Your Partner if She’s Allergic to Strawberries

Before you put them in her vagina.

Buying Multiple Copies of the Same Book

I did not know this, but when dealing with some publishers, if a bunch of you are all wanting to read and own the same book, you can have one person order all the copies directly from the publisher, and they will give you the non-returnable discount (you might have to contact Marketing to see).  [...]

Lessons I Learn So You Don’t Have To

If you have a tendency to get a little down when the Butcher is out of town and thus spend your Friday night (which is usually spent hanging out with him) watching television alone and feeding your dog pigs’ ears while you tell yourself it’s fine to eat one million Reese’s peanut butter cups as [...]

What Would a Sex Advice Column in Nashville Look Like?

I think the going opinion is that it couldn’t be done; you couldn’t have a sex advice column geared to Nashvillians and other Middle Tennesseans.  I’m not so sure that it couldn’t be done.  I’m just not sure how long a life it could possibly have.  It seems to me that there are probably only [...]

When At Malia’s, Always Eat the Chocolate Cake

Malia had a bunch of folk over for a spa night last night and there was chocolate cake.  Oh, sweet chocolate cake. 
And there were these neck things, like giant, heavy u-shaped warm… well, I guess I don’t need “like” in there because I can’t come up with a metaphor.  That’s what they were. 
I felt a [...]

Where Not to Get Your Sex Ed

I have nothing to add to Renegade Evolution’s awesome, awesome post, except for just these two things: 1.  If we had real sex ed in school, people would not have to turn to porn for information, and 2.  I’m embarrassed to admit that, reading through her lists, I had a number of ‘Whew, I thought [...]

Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run

Ned Williams is still confused about why I think Kay Brooks is being heartless and ridiculous and victim-blaming.  He says
But I’m still having trouble understanding your point about not being able to prevent rapes, as if any efforts to avoid being a victim represent a concession to rapists or are not wasted effort. I don’t [...]

What Can I Do to be a Counter Balance?

I am just totally digging the places the conversation is going in the last post and it’s got me thinking.  If we’re taught from such a young age that we are inadequate and that there’s always something about us that could be fixed (always for our own good, of course), what can we do to [...]

T for Tennessee!

Kwach and Ev are pondering a weekend trip to Tennessee.
They wonder, Memphis or Nashville?
Either place makes a wonderful weekend destination.  In Nashville, you can visit the Country Music Hall of Fame, the honky tonks down on lower Broad, the Frist Museum, the State Capitol, and a life-sized replica of the Parthenon complete with the largest [...]

The Man from GM Offers Advice

“Get an old man to dote on you and spend his money on you.”
“I couldn’t just take a dude’s money just because he liked me.”
“Yeah, you need to get over that.  Take the old man’s money and fuck whoever you want, men and women.”
“I don’t know.”
“Grow up, B.”

Ice Cream for Dinner

Of course you can eat ice cream for dinner two nights in a row.  I wouldn’t recommend it, though, unless you want to wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of your body saying, “We’re not that lactose tolerant, woman!”
You may then, fall asleep on the toilet and have a dream [...]

How To Tell if it’s Okay for You to Talk Smack about My Brothers to Me

1.  Are you related to us?
2.  Have you ever lived more than an hour away from your parents?
3.  Do you have a job procured by one or more of your parents?
4.  Are you living in a house your parents helped you buy?
5.  Do you have to take a shower in the dark because, for some [...]

Commas

For you, dear Plimco, I will try to address the comma rule.  I must say, though, that this is difficult for me because I love commas.  I throw them in whenever I think two clauses need a tiny break between them.
That, I think, is the comma’s main job–to give your eye a chance to rest [...]

Apostrophes

You use apostrophes primarily to indicate ownership–This is B.’s car–or to indicate a contraction–She won’t mind if we take it for a drive.
You never use an apostrophe to make a word plural. Not even a proper noun. You can go to the Smith’s house–the house owned by the family Smith. You can [...]

Than v. Then

Brittney brings us this. I about fall over to see them using the wrong word–”Silence can say more then a thousand words.”
I am no grammar genius and lord knows I spell like a drunken monkey, but I’m still going to tackle “than” and “then” for you.
“Than” is used in comparisons. I am more [...]

Herb Garden Help

NM, what is wrong with my basil?!

Other, happier, herbs.

Okay, Horse Experts

Yesterday, I scratched a horse’s forehead.  Today, I reach into my coat pocket and grab my cell phone and the thing is covered in horse hair.  There’s no horse hair in my coat pocket, though.
So, either my cell phone has a static charge that attracts hair, or, when I was not looking, the horse was [...]

If You’re Going to Drink Bad Beer…

Newscoma spells it out much clearer than I could:
Let us remember, never drink Coors Light as it is yucky. It would be much better for you beer afficiados to drink Milwaukee’s Best if you must or Keystone Light than a Coors Light (of course this is my opinion but I believe this is a mantra [...]

An Open Letter to the Jack in the Box on West End

Dear Jack in the Box,
Where are the kids who used to serve my food?  There was the kid with cornrows who always made my shake just the way I liked it and the girl who’d dyed the ends of her hair an electric pink, who would always check the receipt and look in the bag [...]

I’m Reminding You of This Because I Love You

Dear Readers, 
I know it’s spectacularly unpopular to quote those crazy Middle Easterners in this day and age, but y’all have me thinking of Gibran.
You remember his wise words about children?
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons [...]