An Open Letter to Men

I know you’re still a little sore at me, but, in order to make it up to you, I bring you this important piece of news:
Masturbation lessens your risk of prostate cancer.
You’re welcome.  All I ask is that you let some good thoughts of me run through your head while you’re practicing proper prostate health.
Love,
Aunt [...]

Two is a Coincidence; Three is a Trend

Dear Bloggy Tennessee Republicans,
All I ask is for… I don’t know… a little self-awareness on your part.  If, for instance, you can’t tell the difference between Chattanooga and Memphis when looking at a map, maybe don’t make fun of others for their bad geography skills.  Or if you were busy raiding the list of concealed [...]

An Open Letter to Midwesterners

My Fellow Midwesterners!
Did you know that they’ve changed the University of Missouri–Rolla to Missouri University of Science and Technology?!  How, I ask you, is a girl supposed to say “Oh, Missouri University of Science and Technology” with the same amount of smug disdain that a girl can roll “Oh, Rolla” off her tongue?  How could [...]

Open Letter to Christian

Dear Christian,
I heard a rumor that the infamous “cell phone” footage is no longer available at WKRN.
Please say this isn’t so!
In the interest of science,
Aunt B.

An Open Letter to Huntsville

Dear Huntsville,
Don’t be coy.  Just cozy up here next to Tennessee and let a girl get to you.  This pretending to be on the boarder, then sneaking south as I try to reach you is cute, but we’re too old to play chase each other down the interstate.
Plus, fuck, it’s a long way to you and [...]

A Semi-Open Letter to Other Folks Who Might Get This Flu

Dear Fellow Flu Sufferer,

An Open Letter to My Fellow Democrats

Dear Fellow Democrats,
As I’ve been sick, I’ve been perusing the internet and I’ve noticed both pro-Obama folks and pro-Clinton folks threatening that, if their candidate doesn’t get the nomination, then they just won’t vote or they’ll vote for McCain (see this letter here as an example).
I realize that tensions are running high and that we [...]

Another Open Letter to SuperMousey

Dear SuperMousey,
It’s my understanding that you’ve never seen The Princess Bride.  I don’t know why your dad would deprive you of this important milestone in a young girl’s development, but I advise you to check HBO Family in the coming days and watch it.
The Dread Pirate Roberts is exactly the kind of guy every girl [...]

I’m Not Even Going to Say Your Name

Dear Asshole,
All weekend I’ve been caught short by the thought of Verlee Jones.  I’m just sitting there, doing whatever it is I’m doing and I think about her hearing her brother say to her, “It’s her. She looked like she was scared and frightened.”
It’s hard for me to even write this post–thinking about Verlee Jones [...]

An Open Letter to the Butcher

You’re going to tell me this is not the soul mate of the Orange Cat?

Way to Miss the Point

Rachel alerted us to Senator Henry’s idiotic definition of rape, which she heard about from the Scene, last week.  It seems now that the big kids have discovered it (see Feministing and Pandagon) and commenters are contacting the Senator in outrage.
My fellow feminists, I have to beg you, please do not miss the forest for [...]

An Open Letter to the Tennessean

Dear Tennessean,
I regret to inform you that your online presence sucks so much that it about moves me to tears.  As you are aware, since it passed right over you, like it passed right over me, we had incredibly bad weather last night.
As I was flipping back and forth between the networks, watching to make [...]

An Open Letter to Representative Lynn

Dear Representative Lynn:
Thank you.
Love,
Aunt B.

An Open Letter to Erica Jong

Dear Ms. Jong:
I read with great interest your post at the Huffington Post today and I’m writing you because I feel that there’s something wrong between us, some kind of great and terrible misunderstanding, and I’m not sure how to rectify it.
I, myself, fall kind of in between second and third wave feminism.  I’m too [...]

Urgent Memo

To: John Lamb, Hispanic Nashville Notebook
From: Aunt B.
Re: The Orphanage
______________________________________________
AAAAAAaaaaiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa–
aayayayaaaiiaiaiia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you trying to kill me?

As a Favor to Me, Do This Favor For Ben

Women, I swear that I will never ask you to do anything like this again, but as a favor to me, please tell Ben about your experiences in math class.  Ben, if we do this for you, you have to promise a.) to spend some time perusing this blog and b.) listening to women when [...]

Short Notes to Folks Who Need Them

1. 
Dear Yahoo,
My computer is old.  I’ll admit.  But why is it that I can read my emails but not send any?  If you weren’t going to work on a computer, wouldn’t you just not work completely instead of torturing me with emails I can’t return or send?
b.
2.
Dear Slarti,
This is tickling me so much I can’t [...]

Mack, Go Forth and Advise!

You know about cars and cooking utensils.  Go help Mag.

Open Letter to Whoever Helps the Butcher Christmas Shop For Me

I assume that’s probably the Professor or Mack, but on the off-chance he turns to another one of y’all, I want him to get me undyed cotton yarn so that I can dye it myself, which will be the most awesome thing ever.
Worsted weight.

To the Manchild in the Tight White T-Shirt

If you shower every day, you probably have a smell that most potential partners would describe as “neutral” or “good.”  If you wanted to smell irresistible, you might consider dousing yourself in water that’s been steeped in rosemary, but that’s neither here nor there.
If you insist on wearing whatever stinky crap you’re wearing, the kind [...]

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have a lot to be thankful for this year and I am deeply grateful for the opportunities I’ve had and the good doctors I’ve seen and the good things that have happened to me.
I’m aware that I wouldn’t even have a chance at a good life if not for a lot of complex and [...]

Mama Sarcastro! I Think I’ve Found What You Can Get Your Son for Christmas.

Just yesterday I saw Sarcastro hanging outside the Great Escape, which, of course, reminded me of his love for comic books. And so, when I saw that Marvel is offering 25,000 titles for $5.99 a month, I thought, “What an awesome Christmas gift for him!”
And so, I thought I’d just pass it along to [...]

An Open Letter to SuperMousey

Dear SuperMousey,
I read this story last night about a girl not much older than you who got royally screwed with by grown-ups on the internet and all night I’ve been thinking about you.  I thought about emailing you about it, but I don’t have kids and sometimes it’s hard for me to judge what’s appropriate for [...]

A One-Girl Boycott of WKRN

Well, that’s it.  It’s been fun, WKRN, but I’m quitting you.  I’ll still read and link to Kleinheider, because I suspect you hate and fear him, but I am done with the rest of you.  Done with your website, done with your blogs, done with your news, and done with your shitty fall line-up.
I know [...]

Drying Sage for Smudging

Dear NM (or other gardening folks):
So, is it bad form to flounce about my herb garden and then throw myself in a pile next to my happy basil and sigh a sigh of discontent?
See, here’s the deal. Sitting out time is rapidly approaching and I would like to smudge with my own sage this [...]