Yours, It Was Yours!

So, yeah, we sat around all night and drank so much wine I about couldn’t stand it and talked about who had the most awesomely magnificant penis in the whole blogosphere, large, but not overwhelming; firm, but, well, firm; and your kisses, tender but still manly.
Yes, you, out of all of the men we’ve been [...]

Important Observation

It’s very easy to spill Family Togetherness on the floor and, if you don’t hurry back with the towel, the dog will have gotten to it.
Remember, kids, family togetherness is bad for your dog’s liver.

Night Three–Pork Chops with Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans

The pork chops were a big hit.  My nephew ate two and a half of them, which made me feel very accomplished.  The dog had one and a half, which has made her have to sprawl out on the floor and snore loudly.
Among the chicken soup, enchilladas, and pork chops, I think the pork chops [...]

A Dead Man Not My Own

I wanted to drive up and down the empty streets and watch the yellow lights blink on and off and listen to Bob Dylan asking that his grave be kept clean. I wanted to cry.
I came home instead.
The solstice party was amazing. A good balance of ritual with free time.
I wrote my regrets [...]

Sportsblogger, Heal Thyself

Excuse me.  I’m slightly drunk on vodka and cranberries and I’ve got a bed full of obsidian-eyed men drowsily offering to run their fingers through my hair and lick me so expertly I swear off English-speakers for life, but I had to interrupt my fun because Martin Fucking Brady said, when talking about Whoopi Goldberg, [...]

Raul Malo

I went to Raul Malo’s CD release party this afternoon.  I drank mojitoes until I was good and tipsy and then I called Mack and sang “RAaaahooooolllll  RRRAAAAaaaahhhhooooolllll” to him.
I found it hilarious anyway.
Can we talk frankly, America?
Okay, it’s like this.  There appears to be no one in charge of Nashville.  Seriously.  If you go [...]

‘Plop’ is my favorite onomonopoea

It is also the sound of the Professor’s phone sliding happily into her beer.
I don’t care for Johnny Jump Ups mostly because I don’t care for Jack Daniels’.
The cute guy at the table had been slapped in the face by a boob at the same strip club Exador took me to. Ha, Exador just doing [...]

Drunk, with a capitol D that stands for drunk

I really hope I don’t puke.
So, I’m in the BSB at UIC and I need to go to the fourth floor and I get in and I press the button and it goes to the fourth floor and the door opens and my brain is all like out the door with ye because my brain [...]

A List of Types of People I Can Not Keep My Hands Off

1.  Soft, round women with soft lips and wicked smiles.
2.  Really androgynous looking women who are wearing aprons of any sort.
3.  Men above the age of 35.
 Let us spend a moment discussing the wonders of the men who are older than 35.  Let us list their good points.
1.  Cute little eye crinkles.
2.  They bring me [...]

Things I Thought Today

1.  If you help run an entity with non-profit status and a mission to make the world a better place, it is immoral for you to grow richer while some of your employees struggle.  All the benefits packages in the world do not make your behavior less immoral and I, for one, think it’s just [...]

Happy Birthday Recovering Baptist!

I’ll lick chocolate cake off your tits any time!
Woo hoo!
fuck.
yeah.
Who let me drive home?  My left eye hates air conditioning!  You try to get around the block with a car that doesn’t like air conditioning.  I tell you.  It’s not easy.
Happy b irthday, still.  You crazy woman.

Pride

John Henry takes up his hammer, drives steel as fast as he can. He’s swinging thirty pounds from his hips on down, and he dies with his hammer in his hand.
I think just about everyone knows that. But the part I love is when Miss Polly Ann walks down to the tracks, picks [...]

You Might As Well Say It to My Face, Because I’m Going to Hear about It Eventually

Apparently some people read Tiny Cat Pants and then stomp around the house complaining about how ridiculous I’m being. 
I have a specific person in mind… Elias… but I guess maybe many of you feel similarly.
My dad said that I ought to put up a disclaimer that says, "Does not play well with others."  Then I [...]

Smiley

I’ll have to consider it again when I’m sober, but frankly, I’m so tired of all of Ceeeelleeeceee’s fucking eeees–plus, how the fuck do you even say that?–that I knew he needed a nickname.
And tonight, it dawned on me.
Someone should call that boy Smiley.
And you know what?
I’m someone.
 

H[a]ppy Evening

I was thinking about we took the dog to Louisiana, and sometimes we’d leave her back at the campsite and run into New Orleans and how finally she was like, you will not leave me again, fuckers.  And so my dad was like, fine and so we drove into town with the dog and it [...]

My Hair Smells Like Brisket

Y’all, here’s what I realized tonight.  First, I am cute.  So, fuck y’all if you don’t want me.  I am cute and I am nice and I am smart and what I’ve got going for me over all your overly made up thin beautiful put together women is that I’m alive.  I mean it, really [...]

I Like Beer

Frankly, I like beer better than you.  No, not better than you do.  I mean, I like beer better than I like you.
Here are a number of reasons why I like beer better than you.  I don’t know how many reasons there will be ahead of time, because I haven’t typed them yet.  See, beer [...]