FAQ

1. Why “Tiny Cat Pants”?

I think “pants” is just about the funniest word ever and once, when someone asked me what I thought was funnier than pants, I blurted out “Cat pants. Tiny Cat Pants.” I imagined some shiny gold pants on a stylish cat and it just cracked me up. So, when I started to blog, I thought it’d make for a good, strange name that people would remember.

2. So, are the pants tiny or is the cat tiny?

The pants are tiny compared to normal pants. They are, instead cat-sized. They are tiny cat pants, not tiny cat pants, though, if such pants really existed, I would certainly not dissuade tiny cats from wearing them.

3. For a blog called “Tiny Cat Pants,” you sure do talk a lot about your dog. Why don’t you write more about your cats?

Honestly, my cats are pretty boring, especially in comparison to Mrs. Wigglebottom. One cat goes outside a lot. The other cat sheds all her butt hair in the winter. One of them peed in the drier. That’s about it.

Mrs. Wigglebottom, on the other hand, is always the cutest funniest dog ever and even right now, when I look over at her sleeping on the couch, with her paw nestled up by her cheek, I just about can’t stand it.

4. What kind of dog is Mrs. Wigglebottom?

She’s an American Staffordshire Terrier, it’s one of the pit bull breeds.

5. You have a pit bull?! How can you be so irresponsible?! Don’t you know she’ll snap and kill your cats, kill your neighbor kids, and then kill you with her jaws that are genetically mutated to clamp down and never let go?

Thank you for your concern, but if her jaws are indeed genetically mutated to clamp down and never let go, she would have starved to death days after taking her first bite of solid food. And shoot, as long as I’m third on the list, I’ve got time to run.

I kid.

6. Is she scary looking?

Not at all. In fact, most people who don’t know what kind of dog she is assume that she’s a giant Boston Terrier.

7. Is she nice?

Yes, she’s very sweet, even though she has terrible manners.

8. Are you really an aunt?

Yes.

9. Is the Butcher real?

Yes, everyone I talk about is real and all of the things I say about them are how I recollect them. I’m not saying that everything is 100% factual and accurate, as I come from a long line of storytellers, con artists, and preachers, but they’re how I remember them.

10. Why do you blog anonymously?

It started out as a joke. My audience was people I knew in real life and so it was just a thin verneer of anonymity for the sake of funny. Now, I do it out of courtesy for my family.

11. Can I meet you?

Maybe.

12. Can I make out with you?

Maybe. If I’m drunk, probably.

13. Are you the same in real life as you are on-line?

No, I’m much more awkward in real life, I think.

14. You’re not Christian, are you?

No.

15. What are you?

Let’s just say I’m an optimistic hard-core polytheist.

16. What does that mean?

I’m not sure there are any gods, but if there are, I think they’re all real and all distinct from each other.

17. But isn’t your dad a minister?

Hence one of the reasons I blog anonymously.

18. Jesus loves you.

Yes, I know.

19. But you know you’re going to hell, right?

One way or another, I’m sure.

20. You sell Tiny Cat Pants products. How are sales?

Well, you know, better than I expected, considering that I expected to sell a t-shirt to the Corporate Shill, a t-shirt to the Professor, and a t-shirt to me. How CafePress works is that you have to earn $25 before you get a check and each of my products is just marked up a few dollars. So, keeping that in mind, I’ve gotten one check for $30. With the next batch of money I was supposed to get, I bought a t-shirt from Tim Morgan and one from Flea. And I think I’m going to get a third check here in a bit. So, it earns me about $25 every three months, which I do, usually, spend on beer or other frivolous nonsense I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford.

21. What kind of feminist are you?

The kind with a very cute boob freckle.

22. Will you ever convince the libertarians to sound their barbaric yawps over the roofs of the world?

I hope so. Who more than they is not a bit tamed?

23. Why do you flirt with everyone?

Because I can.

24. Are there any rules for commenting?

One.

You must respect and strive to maintain the frith of the community. We argue, fuss, and fight because there are folks here from a wide variety of backgrounds who disagree on just about everything. The only way it can work is if everyone agrees that having a space like this is worth-while and worth treating well. That can only happen if everyone respects each other, even when, or especially when they disagree.

25. But what if I’m just a giant jackass who cannot behave?

Then prepare to have your ass handed to you by people who are smarter, quicker, and funnier than you.

25 a.  But seriously, what if I want to come to your blog and post long rambling comments about the vast Jewish-Muslim-Mexican-Coloreds conspiracy against white people and our culture and accuse you of being a whorish sell-out who makes me feel bad when you call me a racist?

Well, then, you will be banned and your comments probably removed and I reserve the right to ridicule you later.  Or right then.  Whichever.

26. You’re liberal, right? Don’t you know taxes are stealing? Taxation is fundamentally immoral.

So is exchanging your body for money, capitalist pig.

27. You’re liberal, right? So why are you so hard on liberal men?

Because liberal men claim to be on my side.

28. When are you going to run for President?

Will that get in the way of my being Queen of the Planet? Because, if I can get that gig, I think that’s probably all the power I need.

29. Why is there only one boob freckle?

I have just gone into the bathroom and turned on the light, stood in front of the mirror and scrutinized my tits. For the record, there are three official boob freckles. There is the famous boob freckle, which resides on the top part of my right boob, right where it can peek out when I wear button-down shirts. There is another freckle right at the point where the left boob goes from being shoulder to boob. I haven’t really been counting this one. But then, I also found another freckle on the bottom side of my right boob. Cute as hell, but unnoticed by me, because, unless I was doing a boob freckle search in front of a mirror, I could have never seen it.

These freckles never fade. They’re just there. Occassionally, like right now, I have some faint boob freckles that showed up just because my tits have gotten some sun. I don’t feel it’s fair to call these official boob freckles as I can’t guarantee that they’ll be there when you see my tits.

So, the official count is three. But I’ll be keeping a closer eye on things, to see if there are any changes, since I know how important this issue is to y’all.

30.  Where’s my comment?

Most likely, if you commented and it didn’t show up on the site, it’s caught in the spam filter.  Just drop me an email (appropriateaunt at yahoo dot com) and I’ll fish it out.

23 thoughts on “FAQ

  1. No comments yet? How can that be? This has to be the funniest FAQ I’ve ever read. If I’m smart and funny and quick enough, and if I get you drunk enough, I really hope you’ll make out with me. Cuz it just seems like it would be fun.

  2. Going straight from Hell to selling Tiny Cat Products? is there more there than meets the eye, but on a more serious not – is there any diff between an ‘American Staffordshire Terrier’and a Staffordshire Bullterrier (had one as a kid and am looking forward to have my other arm chewed off by the one I’m building up to get…)

  3. Q: Do you think the tiny cat pants would fit my rabbit?

    Q: Hypothetically, would a rosemary margarita put someone on the inside track for the whole making out thing?

    Great site.

  4. Love your site. The boob freckle is hilarious, especially for a girl who can’t count all of hers. Nice to find another quirky blogger.

  5. Glad to know I’m not the only one who will be in hell.
    I’ve put your site on favorites and will pass the link around to my friendsd because it makes me laugh and there’s not much to laugh about these days.

  6. Pingback: Tiny Cat Pants « STARBOARDPORT

  7. Hi!
    My friends and I formed a marathon relay team in 2006 named Tiny Cat Pants, inspired by you and your design on Cafe Press. (Check out the Baltimore Marathon Relay results for 2006 and 2007.) We’re legendary among the “wanna be real runners someday” set. :)

    We’re still running under the name Tiny Cat Pants whenever we get a chance and need more gear from time to time. Would / could you put up a pack of ten large buttons with the original Tiny Cat Pants graphic on your sales page at Cafe Press? We’d love to have them for the race this year!!!
    -Summer
    Baltimore, Maryland

  8. Pingback: We’re Number 337! We’re Number 337! « Tiny Cat Pants

  9. i should also mention that i very much want to squoosh her pibbull face and cover her in kisses.

  10. Apparently I love your blog. I found it at “http://bestblog.wordpress.com/” and although I usually hate feminists, (they’re really the ones to blame for us having to wear crotch-hugging pants all the time instead of pretty dresses,) I can’t help but laugh at your FAQ.

  11. I am reseacrhing for my new upcoming blog, which I decided this morning would start, after mulling over it gor a whole 2 days. I stumbled upon you and I find you absolutely inspirational – or scary, as now I know exactly what kind of people I have to live up to. Just one thing: please don’t get in the way of my being Queen of the Planet. It’s not a threat, I just couldn’t bare the thought of yet another obstacle on the long and hard way there, I’m too lazy for that.

  12. loooooool…
    this is amazing. I just started blogging, didn’t know what to expect. This just got thrown at me. The funniest thing I have ever read.

    What on earth am I going to doo??

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