A Top Five

Here are the top five awesome things that have happened in the past 12 hours, in no particular order.

1. I got up to go to the bathroom and take the dog for a walk and realized that it was only midnight and the music I heard was not my alarm but a neighbor’s radio. Six more hours of sleep!

2. I realized that many of the financial difficulties in my life can be traced back to the fact that the Butcher is, apparently, a 13-year-old girl. How one can run up a $100 cell phone bill when one’s friends are always with one, unless one is a 13-year-old girl, I just don’t know.

3. When I said, we’re $120 short for the month, girlie, the Butcher opened his wallet and handed me $120. Where did it come from? I don’t know. If he’s selling drugs or running an illegal poker game or got himself a good policy racket, I don’t give a shit. If they repossess his car and throw my parents–who were stupid enough to co-sign on the car with him in the poor house–I don’t give a shit. If thugs come to the house to break his kneecaps, again, go ahead boys; just watch out for the small cat.

4. The dog and I played with a stick for a good five blocks. The dog, for better or worse, has only one game she plays: Please pretend you want whatever gross thing I have in my mouth and I will keep it away from you. Playing that with a stick is a lot better than playing it with calcified poop, so score another one for me. Plus, she did her cute little floppy run that cracks me up every time I see it.

5. Someone has gotten us a subscription to Reader’s Digest. How great is this! Now I will know what conservative old people who think they’re progressive are up to, and I will be able to increase my word power.