A Top Five

Here are the top five awesome things that have happened in the past 12 hours, in no particular order.

1. I got up to go to the bathroom and take the dog for a walk and realized that it was only midnight and the music I heard was not my alarm but a neighbor’s radio. Six more hours of sleep!

2. I realized that many of the financial difficulties in my life can be traced back to the fact that the Butcher is, apparently, a 13-year-old girl. How one can run up a $100 cell phone bill when one’s friends are always with one, unless one is a 13-year-old girl, I just don’t know.

3. When I said, we’re $120 short for the month, girlie, the Butcher opened his wallet and handed me $120. Where did it come from? I don’t know. If he’s selling drugs or running an illegal poker game or got himself a good policy racket, I don’t give a shit. If they repossess his car and throw my parents–who were stupid enough to co-sign on the car with him in the poor house–I don’t give a shit. If thugs come to the house to break his kneecaps, again, go ahead boys; just watch out for the small cat.

4. The dog and I played with a stick for a good five blocks. The dog, for better or worse, has only one game she plays: Please pretend you want whatever gross thing I have in my mouth and I will keep it away from you. Playing that with a stick is a lot better than playing it with calcified poop, so score another one for me. Plus, she did her cute little floppy run that cracks me up every time I see it.

5. Someone has gotten us a subscription to Reader’s Digest. How great is this! Now I will know what conservative old people who think they’re progressive are up to, and I will be able to increase my word power.

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7 thoughts on “A Top Five

  1. You can also submit your funny stories for cash and read big pull out ads on new medications and inspirational stories about various types of rescues, with your new Reader’s Digest subscription.

    That gift is very popular around here too. :)

    -SuperGenius

  2. Submit your funny stories for cash… this may explain where the Butcher’s recent windfall materialized from.

  3. I love the funny stories in Reader’s Digest. And I would love to submit some – I’ve got funny stories. But it seems to me that they over edit them such that they all have the same tone and pacing. I’d also like some variety in my funny stories. Still, they do pay up to $400 – that’s big buck in my sad, poor life.

  4. You must have a different definition of “sad” than the rest of us.

    My dictionary reads: affected with or expressing grief or unhappiness: downcast.

    Apparently, yours reads: the feeling resulting from circumstances in which the men who want to take their clothes off for you are not the same men who want to take your clothes off.

    See, here’s why I love scholar-ize, because I’d call that a(n) (un)fortunate quandry, but, fine, if you call that sad, language is flexible ;).

  5. Now I know I deserve some teasing about this week’s antics. But does it have to be so public? I am already embarrassed enough, even if I am also flattered – especially the way you frame the whole thing. I just don’t think representing the whole thing as so many men, so little clothing is very accurate.

    And, by sad I meant that $400 is a windfall.

  6. Let us always live in a world where $400 is a windfall.

    Okay, I’m done poking fun. I’m just jealous, that’s all.

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