For the Ladies


Is it getting harder and harder in today’s America to figure out when you can make your own decisions about yourself? Do you long for a way to know easily when you have to consult with others and who those others are?

Lucky for you, I’ve now created this handy-dandy guide to the people and institutions you must defer to before you can make a decision. Print out and pass around as many copies as you need. I’m sure you’ll find it useful in many circumstances.

The Guide

1. Your god–Does your god have a discernible opinion on the activity in which you are about to partake?

2. Other people’s god(s)–Is there a large segment of the voting public recognizable by its religion that gets regularly kowtowed to by elected officials? Would their god(s) approve of your activity?

3. The government–Does the government have an opinion about your activity? If you’re really lucky, they’ve just passed a law that pertains only to you. That’ll make it much easier for you.

4. Your doctor–Does your doctor have a moral position on the activity your want to partake in? This is especially important if you are poor or live in rural areas where you are limited in your choice of medical professionals.

5. Other medical professionals–Even if your doctor condones your activity, if something goes wrong, can you count on the other medical professionals–other doctors, nurses, techs, pharmacists–to go along with your doctor? It’s important to know ahead of time if some of them might disapprove of your activity.

6. Your family–For your convenience, I’ve divided your family up into two parts. In most circumstances, you should defer to your husband (You do have a husband, don’t you? If not, get on that right away.), but, if your parents and your husband disagree about what you should do, and your parents agree with people higher up on the list than your husband, you must defer to them.

7. Your neighbors–What will the neighbors think?

8. The American public–If the news networks held polls on your activity, would a bunch of people you don’t know and never will know, indicate that they thought your behavior was okay?

9. You–Happily, if you follow this guide, most decisions have already been made for you, so you’ll only rarely get trapped having to figure out for yourself what the right thing to do is. That means plenty of time for being pretty, shoe shopping, and doing dishes!

8 thoughts on “For the Ladies

  1. I am relieved to see that the “activist judges” have no place on this list.

    And, thank you so VERY much for putting this into a list for me – as you know, I am only a woman and putting this in the people’s english is very helpful – otherwise, I would be turning in circles not quite knowing what to do.

  2. My goodness. I know this is meant to simplify, but it sounds awfully complicated being a woman. How do you guys keep up with doing all the research?

  3. I’m sure you were as alarmed as I was to read over the weekend that it was a judge appointed by a REPUBLICAN that decided that all Californians could each marry one other consenting, adult, non-relative.

    I almost fainted in shock. Those activist judges indeed! If we can’t trust judges appointed by Republicans, maybe we should just do away with the judicial branch all together.

  4. Oh dear dear Steve, It MIGHT sound complicated, but it is actually very simple – you wait in the corner for “the others” to make decisions for you. Such a relief actually.

  5. Aunt B, I am glad you wrote this.

    JR is exactly right. We just make babies and casseroles and adoring eyes at the custodial decision makers we so desparately need.

    Well, I suppose there are some difficult parts but Aunt Lydia (not to be confused with Aunt B)says to think of it as being in the army.

    Not sure wht I made that reference but it felt very right – SuperGenius

  6. I think Steve might be right. Being a woman is complicated, espeically if this list is as accurate as it is enjoyable. For example, in deciding what to eat for breakfast, I got a little stuck at #1 (well, #2 really) when I looked in the fruit bin and saw red, ripe, juicy apples. Would the God recognized by the large American voting segment be okay with me, a woman, eating an apple?

  7. Hmm. It seems that eating apples, especially, is fraught with peril. You might check to see if you are naked and unbothered by it before you eat and then naked and bothered by it after. Or if you feel compelled to share your apple with a man.

    Still, that’s a lot of hard work. I recommend, instead, having a man pick out all your fruit at the grocery store.

    That’s what I do and it’s kept me from temptation.

  8. No, no…the man can’t go to the store because he has to go earn the money and and keep the order that makes it possible for the women to go to the store. So the woman has to buy the fruit that she has observed he prefers or would prefer for her to have so that she doesn’t have to ask a direct question, particularly on so trivial a subject. :)

    Where do I get this stuff from?

    Last night, we were discussing this from slightly different angles in a room with four people that cover most of the political spectrum and somewhat different ethical/religious standpoints, but we all kept saying things that echoed what you wrote here. Though I might add to 3 – does the government think they can use you or your situation to further another agenda? Lucky you – no decision making will be required.

    This is interesting too, if you haven’t already seen it somewhere else:

    For added fun, be sure to note the involved organization in the next to the last paragraph.

    No, I’m not in Seattle :) – SuperGenius

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