Is it getting harder and harder in today’s America to figure out when you can make your own decisions about yourself? Do you long for a way to know easily when you have to consult with others and who those others are?
Lucky for you, I’ve now created this handy-dandy guide to the people and institutions you must defer to before you can make a decision. Print out and pass around as many copies as you need. I’m sure you’ll find it useful in many circumstances.
1. Your god–Does your god have a discernible opinion on the activity in which you are about to partake?
2. Other people’s god(s)–Is there a large segment of the voting public recognizable by its religion that gets regularly kowtowed to by elected officials? Would their god(s) approve of your activity?
3. The government–Does the government have an opinion about your activity? If you’re really lucky, they’ve just passed a law that pertains only to you. That’ll make it much easier for you.
4. Your doctor–Does your doctor have a moral position on the activity your want to partake in? This is especially important if you are poor or live in rural areas where you are limited in your choice of medical professionals.
5. Other medical professionals–Even if your doctor condones your activity, if something goes wrong, can you count on the other medical professionals–other doctors, nurses, techs, pharmacists–to go along with your doctor? It’s important to know ahead of time if some of them might disapprove of your activity.
6. Your family–For your convenience, I’ve divided your family up into two parts. In most circumstances, you should defer to your husband (You do have a husband, don’t you? If not, get on that right away.), but, if your parents and your husband disagree about what you should do, and your parents agree with people higher up on the list than your husband, you must defer to them.
7. Your neighbors–What will the neighbors think?
8. The American public–If the news networks held polls on your activity, would a bunch of people you don’t know and never will know, indicate that they thought your behavior was okay?
9. You–Happily, if you follow this guide, most decisions have already been made for you, so you’ll only rarely get trapped having to figure out for yourself what the right thing to do is. That means plenty of time for being pretty, shoe shopping, and doing dishes!