Healthy Food Can Suck my Butt

Peanut butter and jelly on brown bread. Carrots. An apple. A diet Dr Pepper. I swear to god–some big fat god of decadence, maybe Dionysus–I swear to Dionysus, if this crap is supposed to make me feel better about myself, it’s not working.

I need a carefully balanced diet of junk food to keep from being given a nickname like “The Office Bitch.”

As soon as I get a chance, I’m sneaking over to the old office and raiding the candy machine.

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2 thoughts on “Healthy Food Can Suck my Butt

  1. You and I come at food issues from a slightly different perspective (as you/we have noted many times) I actually enjoy healthy foods like brown bread, fruits, veggies, etc. I also like full fat sharp cheddar cheese, Petit Ecolier cookies, deep fried appetizers and Quarter Pounder value meals at McDonald’s (and will continue running marathons just so I can continue eating such things).

    But…

    Speaking of vending machines, I have to know if there’s any chance that your irritation from lunch led you to try out your telepathic powers this morning? Because I went to the vending machine for a granola bar and the machine gave me two (two! this is a machine that regularly steals my money) bags of Cheez-Its instead. I immediately attributed this noteworthy (paranormal? auspicious? joyous?) event to you.

  2. God, if I could eat fried cheese sticks every day along with apples and carrot sticks, I’d never bitch again. It’s not that I don’t like those things, I just love junk food better.

    And I think the fat from the junk food makes me happy or keeps me happy or something.

    I’d like to think I’m responsible for the vending machine fortuity. Maybe I am subconsciously, because I’m trying to make this a day without cookies. On Friday, I plan to feed the Professor and the Sheik Hostess Cupcakes soaked in Jack Daniels and I plan on eating them, too.

    …mmm, the cupcakes or the Professor and the Sheik… I’ll let the ambiguity stand.

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