Things that Happened on Our Walk


Hey, asshole,

I saw you kick your dog this morning. Listen, dogs are curious about other dogs. That’s the way it is. When you walk your dog off-leash, you should not be surprised when she’d rather come bounding over to see Mrs. Wigglebottom than listen to you hollering at her.

If you want your dog to stay under your control, keep her on a fucking leash. That’s the best way to guarantee that she won’t go running after strange dogs.

If you want your dog to come the first time you call her, don’t kick her when she finally does come bouncing back over to you. She wanted to show you the cool thing she found: namely, us. Way to kill her joy.

I hope she bites you.

Aunt B.


Dear Mrs. Wigglebottom,

I know you can’t read. I know you can barely remember not to eat the cat poop out of the litter box. But I just wanted to let you know how surprised and proud of you I was this morning.

When we got to the big hill and I was lost in thought about the cute IT guy with the goatee, and you were doing your doggie thing next to me, and you gave a little shake and your collar fell to the ground in three large pieces, you stood so still, even though there were things to sniff and scary trucks careening by not three feet from you, until I could put things back together and continue on with our walk.

Good dog. I’m sorry you had to see that asshole kicking his puppy.


Aunt B.