I promised the Corporate Shill a post about remakes, but it occurs to me that it might be handy to have a scoring system, a guide, if you will, for anyone thinking of making a remake. Such a guide would help prevent such travesties as Limp Bizkit’s cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” while rewarding the innovation of Dolly Parton and the Grascals covering “Viva Las Vegas.”
1. Are you in a band?
No, but I can play guitar (+20)
No, but I’m Kid Rock (-20)
No, I’m a rapper (+25)
No, but I’m Emmylou Harris (+50)
No, but I’m Dolly Parton (+100)
Yes, I’m Fred Durst (-100)
Yes, I was a member of the Who or Led Zeppelin (+100)
2. Where will the cover appear?
Only on my website (0)
I’ll only play it live (+50)
I’ll put it on my album (+20)
It’s my next single! (-15)
3. The song I want to cover is:
More famous than any of my original work (-30)
Ought to be more famous than any of my original work (+30)
Really, really old (+40)
A Britney Spears or Madonna song (+30)
Already covered by another, better artist (-75)
From a genre other than my own (+75)
The artist’s signature tune (-90)
4. My interpretation is necessary because I:
Mash it up with Jay-Z’s The Black Album (+40)
Mash it up with the Beatles The White Album (+50)
Turn it into a bluegrass song (+50)
Turn it into a disco song (-50)
Do such a faithful interpretation you’d swear I was at a karaoke bar (-75)
Can’t believe the original artist isn’t better known (+50)
Love this song, man! (0)
Less than 0: Just quit the business now. Yes, now.
0-25: Under no circumstances should you sing this song–not even in the shower.
25-50: Sing this song only in the shower.
50-75: Bob Ritchie, I’m begging you to reconsider.
75-100: Okay, it seems like a good idea.
100 and above: Definitely cover the song!