The Corporate Shill’s birthday is April 21st. In honor of this momentous event and in order to keep Tiny Cat Pants full of things that could, at any moment, go horribly awry, I’m enacting the first ever Birthday Inquisition.
Here’s the deal. I come up with ten questions aimed at the birthday person. The birthday person has until the date of his or her birthday to answer the questions. If any questions remain unanswered on the person’s birthday, I’ll open it up to everyone else.
Then–and this is the crucial part–we all agree to accept the made-up answers as the truth.
So, say I ask, “Who would you rather find in your bathtub–Bill Clinton or Tipper Gore–and why?” and the birthday person is like, “Fuck if I know. I’m skipping that one,” then, say, the Butcher answers “Birthday person would rather have Tipper Gore, because Tipper knows filth when she sees it,” then we all pinky-swear that we will, from here on out, believe that this is the answer the birthday person would have answered.
Any resulting fights will be an added source of merriment.
Okay, here goes nothing.
1. Is Britney Spears self-aware?
2. Would you rather be in US or Entertainment Weekly?
3. If you had become a movie critic, would it have pleased you more to give out consistently negative reviews that made you a media darling or consistently positive reviews that were often used in promotional materials?
4. For some reason (I can’t think of a good one), you are forced to give your first-born a “trendy” name. You can choose between Clementine, Payton, and Jasmine, if it’s a girl, and Ashton, Brooklyn, and Reagan, if it’s a boy. Which do you choose?
5. Hypothetically, would you be more or less likely to fuck Ted Nugent if he were the president of the NRA?
6. Would you be more or less likely to join the NRA if Ted Nugent were president of that organization?
7. Say that Kenny Chesney is about to release a song about a brief affair the two of you had right after college. Do you tell your loved ones that it’s about you or do you just hope that, since they and their friends don’t listen to country music, they never hear it from someone else?
8. If you had to change your first name to anything other than what it is now, what would it be and why?
9. If you could switch places with anyone you know for one day, who would it be and why?
10. For what reason would you ever move to Kansas City?