I Gush About Sweet Acidophilus Milk

Y’all, we have this thing down here–Sweet Acidophilus milk–that makes me so happy I just about can’t stand it. Purity makes it and it is good (and, supposedly, cures cold sores). Purity also drives around town in these cute black and white cow colored trucks, which I also love, because I am a dork.

So, anyway, sweet acidophilus milk. Before I moved down here, I had never heard of it. I drank 2% like the rest of fat America and was happy. I found 1% and skim to be watery and tasteless and a cruel trick our mom played on us when she didn’t have time to get to the store and made us drink “her” milk.

But sweet acidophilus. . . it’s not sweet. I don’t know what acidophilus is, maybe it’s rendered baby fat; I don’t care. The thing is that it tastes good. I can’t remember the last time I had a glass of milk just because, but last night, I did and thought, damn, I’m glad I moved down here and learned about this shit.

Dog Advice

So, maybe all these stories about what a kick-ass dog Mrs. Wigglebottom is have got you thinking about getting an AmStaff of your own. You’ve weighed the issues and decided that you want a dog vilified by the general public and capable of leaping all but the tallest backyard fences. You’re prepared to spend the first year of its life keeping it from eating all your furniture and looking forward to the day when you will be able to walk around the neighborhood with your dog by your side, not barking and lunging at other dogs and all squirrels.

Here’s one more thing you should consider: the dog to bathroom size ratio. How big is your bathroom? How big is your dog? What will you do on a day like today when there’s thunder and lightning and hard rain and you need to take a shower and get to work but the dog needs more to be on the bath mat, which, unbeknownst to you, has magical protective powers and must not be strayed from in bad weather? If the bath mat with the 60 pound pit bull on it takes up all the room between the toilet and the wall, and the dog looks at you like you’re crazy when you try to get her to move, are you prepared to climb up on the toilet and to step onto the wall of the tub?

No, you say, you’ll just shut the bathroom door and keep her outside.

Good luck with that, because the cats have taught her how to stick her paw under the door and pop it open.

Thanks, cats.

The Shill Answers!

Coming in just under the wire, the Shill has emailed me her answers. Here the are:

Apologies for the length of this post! [No apologies necessary. We love long posts.–Aunt B.]

1. Is Britney Spears self-aware?

I so wanted to write a groundbreaking essay wherein I argued that despite abundant evidence to the contrary, she was actually self-aware. But then I revisited Go Fug Yourself, the Salon article on “the most glorious downward spiral in years” and how Britney’s issues are mostly about class and classic quote after classic quote (let’s just listen to the President and follow our leaders y’all) and then– she married, and is now having a baby with, Kevin Federline. K-Fed y’all! So, I couldn’t do it. She had good handlers there for a bit but “adulthood” has destroyed the charade once and for all. Not a single fucking clue. She thinks she does. But she’d be wrong. [Ooo. Good answer.–B.]

2. Would you rather be in Us or Entertainment Weekly?

Entertainment Weekly, and I may specify, I’d like to be included in The Must List issue.

3. If you had become a movie critic, would it have pleased you more to give out consistently negative reviews that made you a media darling or consistently positive reviews that were often used in promotional materials?

Consistently negative reviews.

4. For some reason (I can’t think of a good one), you are forced to give your first-born a “trendy” name. You can choose between Clementine, Payton, and Jasmine, if it’s a girl, and Ashton, Brooklyn, and Reagan, if it’s a boy. Which do you choose?

Clementine. Living in Chicagoland I couldn’t stomach the “Sweetness” nicknames that would come with Payton and any image of Peyton Manning makes me nauseous. Ew. Not an attractive man. And Jasmine? It’s a Tiffany for the new millennium. I do run the risk of someone belting out “oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine” but when compared to Payton and Jasmine? I’ll take that
risk. She just can’t marry into the Clemson family.

As for boys — I first thought I’d opt for Brooklyn (although Bronx would be way better — LE could teach him how to become an expert at the Bronx cheer!) but LE would insist on Reagan, “greatest president of the modern age.” That’s a direct LE quote everybody. And I married him anyway. [Well, at least he hasn’t joined in on the movement to beatify Nixon. Look on that bright side.–B.]

5. Hypothetically, would you be more or less likely to fuck Ted Nugent if he were the president of the NRA?

Hypothetically, I would say the likelihood would not change.

6. Would you be more or less likely to join the NRA if Ted Nugent were president of that organization?

More likely. I’m the only person I know who watched an entire episode of his reality show. NUUUUUUGE! [Is it wrong that I totally would too? I mean, I know he’s insane and is probably a danger to himself and others, and I’m afraid of guns and cried inconsolably the one time I shot one, because the brick I’d aimed at broke into pieces–we’d both be the exact wrong fit for the NRA–but I’d still join if he were in charge. Quite possibly, this makes us bad people.–B.]

7. Say that Kenny Chesney is about to release a song about a brief affair the two of you had right after college. Do you tell your loved ones that it’s about you or do you just hope that, since they and their friends don’t listen to country music, they never hear it from someone else?

My knowledge of country music is limited. As such, I don’t really know if Kenny Chesney is cool or not. Therefore, I must answer based on the only thing I know about him: that when the Dixie Chicks hang out at their local bar and play those damn trivia games, their team name is “Kenny Chesney Stuffs his Pants with a Pimento Cheese Sandwich” and as such, I would tell my friends it was about me.

True story: http://www.clubnashville.com/rr012703.htm

8. If you had to change your first name to anything other than what it is now, what would it be and why?

This question is much tougher than I thought it would be. I’ll throw this one out to the masses.

9. If you could switch places with anyone you know for one day, who would it be and why?

This one is also really tough! Loyal TCP readers can vote from:
a. Jon Stewart and host an episode of the Daily Show.
b. Host of Saturday Night Live (what week hardly matters).
c. If I was able to also inherit their athletic ability, I would switch with a female Olympic skier, win a gold medal and then make out with Bode Miller (how else would I even get close?). Sorry LE!
d. George W. — maybe arrange for bad things to befall him the day after we had switched?

10. For what reason would you ever move to Kansas City?

None that I can think of. But if someone were to say, you could have Bill Gates’ fortune, you just have to move to Kansas City. I would do it.