A Brief, Frank Statement about Bill Clinton

Dear Young People who Voted Against Bush,

Bill Clinton was not the best president ever. He’s the best president we (young liberals) have ever seen because he was a bit of Democratic relief in a long stretch of Republican presidents during our lifetimes. “Only Democrat” to register on our collective conscious DOES NOT equal “Best President.”

But, let’s just say for a second that Bill Clinton was the best progressive president ever. This doesn’t mean–gods, let’s hope–that he’s the best the progressives have to offer.

If I hear from you one more time “Well, Bill Clinton did…” I’m going to beat you. Fair warning. He’s not our president any more and we’re in some serious trouble. We’ve got to stop looking to the past, for the good of the Left and the good of our country.

Love,
Aunt B.

Dear People who Voted for Bush,

I see a lot of you on the news channels and tooling around my park in your cars and I hear you, too. Every time some legitimate criticism of Bush comes up, one of you rushes to pull out your trump card, “Well, Clinton…”

Like just now, I’m watching MSNBC and they’re trying to talk about John Bolton and his treatment of his subordinates and the blonde chick they had on there said, “Well, isn’t this disingenuous of the Democrats. After all, we all know how Bill Clinton treated the women who worked for him…”

First, many of us were mortified at the President’s behavior. Granted, some of us were busy holding Satanic orgies and couldn’t be bothered to give a shit, but in general, no one was like “Woo hoo! Our president is a womanizing cad! I hope everyone in Washington is!”

Second, try that shit with your spouse. I dare you. “Honey, I just kissed her. …and her …and her. But Bill Clinton fucked other women.”

Or, if you’re too young to cat around on your significant other, go to your mom and see how that works. “Yeah, mom, I stole $50 from your purse, but Bill Clinton and Whitewater…”

The behavior of one person does not excuse the behavior of another.

Love,
Aunt B.

Listen, America, we have big problems. We are at war in Iraq and Afghanistan. It costs me $30 to fill up my car. People who need affordable healthcare can’t get it. Discussions about morality are being had, not in people’s homes, but in the Legislature. We haven’t found Osama bin Ladin. We ought to do something about Social Security. Tax cuts don’t seem to have spurred the economy the way we’d hoped and the dollar is very weak. Etc. Etc.

These are big, scary problems. I don’t know what to do about them and it seems like most people don’t. But rather than having intelligent discussions about them, we keep dragging out Bill Clinton like some kind of fetish–just shake him around and he’ll diffuse all difficult thought and clarify all moral positions.

How long is this going to go on? Seriously. Our problems spread out before us like some patchwork quilt pieced together by mortal enemies. It’s ugly to look at and difficult to know how to begin to fix. But we all have an obligation to each other and to the future to make some effort.

You can’t get much sewing done when you turn your back on the piece and hand your needle and thread to Clinton.

How long is this going to go on? Seriously. The pundits and politicians have taken up our grown-up problems and proceeded to act like it’s junior high–focusing more on petty jealousies, homophobia, who’s playing grab-ass and how we can get in on it, and taking every opportunity to shift the blame.

How long is this going to go on? Seriously. In a country with no public transportation infrastructure, gas is $2.40 a gallon and we’re worried about keeping gay people from getting married? In a country where we’ve asked our soldiers to fight two wars in the past five years, we let the government cut VA spending and we’re worried about what the Terri Shiavo incident says about our moral state? In a country held hostage by the Religious right, some judges are insisting on their right to follow a law other than the one they’ve pledges to uphold and we’re all busy asking “What would Bill Clinton Do?”

America, if we cannot get our heads out of our asses, we are in serious trouble, more serious trouble than any outside terrorist or foreign country could ever put us in.

So, just stop it with this Bill Clinton shit.

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11 thoughts on “A Brief, Frank Statement about Bill Clinton

  1. You just don’t get it, do you? All those problems you listed, the economy, the health care crisis, the price of gas, even 9/11…all Clinton’s fault!
    Elias

  2. Does she like him in a political way or in a “secret fantasies about him” way?

    Anyway, I won’t judge your mom either way.

    Speaking of your mom, do the readers of Tiny Cat Pants a favor and give us the recipe for those delicious tofo balls.

  3. My mother’s secret fantasies are her own. I wouldn’t want to know them much less tell them to you.

    I will work on the tofu balls. Goddam, that brings me back to the night you ate tofu balls at my parents’ house. Some day some way you should partake of another dinner party at the Copgroewierosbert house.

  4. Sorry if the subtle humor of insisting on anonymity with people who, for the most part, know who you are passes by you. I find it funny, though.

    Mmm. Your mom can cook.

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