Hard Truths

  1. If you have to ask me what I want, after 30 years, it’s not a gift, it’s a chore. If it’s a chore, I’d rather you didn’t go to the effort.
  2. If Jay Farrar really is the “greatest songwriter of our generation,” then our generation deserves its quick slide into irrelevance.
  3. The existence of Jay Farrar’s career makes me gnash my teeth. Good lord. Two bands! Two bands that people say are influential and groundbreaking. People! Listen to that crap and reconsider.
  4. Drinking PBR does not prove your solidarity with the working class. We poor people would rather NOT drink PBR as we already know we are poor and don’t want to be reminded that we can only afford beer that is a dollar a can at the bar.
  5. Willie Nelson is the best there is. He has a stunning voice, a distinctive guitar style, and the way he delivers words–sneaking in right before the beat and then lollygagging around so long you think he’s going to miss the next one–is genius and impossible to duplicate. I would leave y’all for Willie Nelson in a second.
  6. The Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones. It’s not even close and I can’t believe folks are still arguing about this shit.
  7. Sadly, in Pearl Jam’s song “Rats,” they’re saying “Lick the dirt off a larger one’s feet,” not singing something about Akeem Olajuwan, which is too bad, because that would have been awesome.

I Have a Headache, Therefore I Bitch

My head hurts. I took two Tylenol, but my head still hurts. I should have taken the Tylenol earlier, but I kind of like the pre-headache weirdness, where everything is bright and vivid and I’m lightheaded and dizzy and it feels like every nerve in my body is turned on all at once.

It’s too late now; here’s pain, who left his keys on the table when he left last time and now had to kick the door in to get back in my head.

My brain feels like it’s splitting in two.

Okay, technically my brain is already split in two.

You’ve got to feel bad for the left hemisphere of my brain. I’m sure it held out hope for as long as it could that it would be called on to do more than try to keep track of how much money I have in my checking account (currently, around $15). But I’ve never been one of those people who had much use for math and so my left hemisphere slowly atrophied while my right hemisphere was busy flaking it up with religion, reading, and imagining.

Maybe this is my left hemisphere’s revenge: that it’s slowly turned to stone and now big hard rock chunks of it are rolling around in my skull smashing against the tender parts.