State Senator John Ford has threatened construction workers with a gun, neglected to set up either of his simultaneously running households (complete with women and children) in the area he actually was elected to serve, used public funds to pay his child support, used campaign contributions to pay for his daughter’s wedding, been to court for shooting at trucks along I-40, threatened an undercover FBI agent with death if he found out he was a narc, and, while all of the other state legislators arrested today were accused of taking bribes in the magnitude of $5,000-$15,000, he got $55,000 before he was carted off to jail.
Seriously, America, I can’t decide whether to be appalled or awe-struck. This is political corruption raised to an art form. It’s so gross and yet so magnificent.
In the “Sadly Funny” category, you’ll notice that just below all the stories on John Ford over at Pith in the Wind, is the announcement that his nephew, Harold Ford, is running for the seat soon to be vacated by our very own Dr. Kitten Killer, who is off on his Quixotic run for President.
I’ve liked Harold Ford ever since I heard him on the r&b station being all smart and funny, so I hope this doesn’t hurt his chances to for Senatorial glory.
I, on the other hand, have decided to quit my job and move to Memphis (Do I technically have to move to Memphis to run for his seat? If he didn’t live in his district, do I have to?) and run for state senate. Shoot, I know I can’t approach his mastery of the political system, but I can try to be corrupt beyond all measure in my own way.
So, Memphis, here’s what I have going for me.
1. I don’t know how to shoot a gun. I don’t even own one. Your commute will be safe from me.
2. As a woman, there’s a physical limit to the amount of children I can have and then scam money from you to support.
3. I also have a cute nephew, though he’s not old enough to run for any office yet.
4. I love Memphis and the River and the University of Memphis (though I still call it Memphis State; I’m old school like that).
5. I’m a Democrat.
6. I’m a great cook, so we could have big parties at my house, that would be paid for by campaign contributions.
7. I would not insult your intelligence by pretending to be uncorrupted. I’d use this platform to keep y’all informed of the nefarious things I’m doing.
8. I already live in Nashville, so my commute to work–and the mileage you’d have to pay for–would be a lot less than if I were driving over from Memphis.
9. I often have really cute hair, so, when I’m inevitably arrested, you won’t be embarrassed by my mug shots.
10. I grew up in Illinois! Come on! That means I practically went to “corrupt local governments” university.
So, if anyone from Memphis wants to start me on my great political career, you can leave me a comment or, if you prefer to contact me privately, my email address is in my profile. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.