Granite Falls

Let’s talk frankly about Granite Falls, my default lunchtime restaraunt when I can’t think of any place else to go.

On the plus side:

  • They give you crayons.
  • The employees in charge of moving the water from the parking lot are trying to make the most of it.
  • Once, when I was meeting someone for lunch, I poked my head in and asked if they’d seen her and they said “no” so I went outside to wait for her. The lunch crowd came, as it always does, and she showed up 40 minutes late because she had some car problem. I went in to tell them we were here and, folks, you are not going to believe this, they sat us right then. They’d held a table for us, for 40 fucking minutes at lunch!!!!! God bless them.
  • Their food is good.
  • I once saw Brad Paisley there.
  • You can sit out on the patio and watch the world go by.
  • They water their plants by ice cube. Brilliant!

On the minus side:

  • They’ve gotten rid of the Patio burger and I just can’t get over it. Sure, their regular burger is fine and they’re one of the few places in town that will give you an honest to god medium rare burger. But I miss the Patio burger.

Why, Granite Falls, why did you get rid of the Patio burger? Can’t you make just a few up for us loyal customers, let us come in and say some secret password like “The Ice is in the Plants” and you whoop one up for us?

Here, folks, for those of you who’ve never had one, is the Patio burger: a patty encrusted in pepper (and maybe some other spices–shit, the memory is fading), on a wheat or onion bun (I’d recommend the wheat), with a layer of onion, a layer of baby spinich, and a dollop of sour cream. It was fantastic.

Sure, it’d give me heartburn, but I didn’t care. The interplay between the pepper and the onion and the spinich and the sour cream was unique and delicious.

So, I still eat at Granite Falls, but I’m always a little sad when I open up the menu and see that the Patio burger is not in its appointed place.

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Let’s All Attack Mark Felt!

I’m too young to remember Watergate and so the revelation of Deep Throat’s identity has been just a blip on my radar. But, that blip has made me go, “What the fuck?”

I honestly cannot believe–okay, I can believe it, but it’s bullshit–that people are criticizing him for having “unclear” motives, as if his motivation somehow taints the end result.

Yes, you’re right. Let’s just wait around for the perfect people to come to our rescue, the people who are wholly pure and motivated only by their desire for justice to come forward and save us from ourselves.

Oh, Superman, where are you?

Whew, boy am I glad that I never have to actually do anything, because my motivations will never be pure enough for the talking heads.