It got me thinking of going bra shopping with the Shill when we were in college. Now, neither the Shill nor I are what you’d call flat chested. And so buying bras is not very much fun. If you want a bra that fits right, you have to get something that looks like your grandma would wear it and if you want something cute, you have to just accept that it’s going to be uncomfortable.
For instance, I used to have the cutest bra once, lacy and frilly and white, and one day I was standing in front of the big windows at work and I heard this “pow” and felt this terrible pain in my rib cage right under my left tit and I thought, “holy shit, I’ve been shot! How fucking weird is that?” and I reached under my shirt to feel for a bullet hole only to discover that I was not bleeding as much as someone who’s been shot ought to.
Instead, it was just a little trickle of blood brought on by a snapped underwire jutting into my skin.
So, when we were in college, Victoria’s Secret was really pushing the Wonder Bra and the Shill and I decided that we would go see what the fuss was about. So, we went into the store and each grabbed a bra in our size and headed off to the dressing room.
Now, the point of the Wonder Bra is to take everything you’ve got and hoist it up where everyone can appreciate it (or use it as a place to rest their appetizer tray, depending on your breastly needs). But if you have a lot to hoist, the cups aren’t designed deep enough to give you room to come both up and out.
No, everything just moves up. Fine for folks who aren’t moving that much up. But if you are…
Well, I put it on, looked in the mirror and was immediately reminded of a chicken. My boobs appeared to be coming out of my collar bone and making a soft, shallow couple of hills down the front of my chest. I started to snicker.
And then I heard snickering from the dressing room next to me. And the Shill and I opened our dressing room doors, looked across at each other and started guffawing.
And you know what? They asked us to leave!
Apparently, they don’t like it when you laugh at the miracles rendered by the Wonder Bra.