What is Wrong with my Boobs?

I could just email the Shill–expert in all matters mammary–but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about this evening and I thought some of you could use some reassurance that all my problems are not just psychological.

Okay, so I have some boobs, obviously. Here’s one; it’s the one covered in tye-die, for those of you who need visual aids.

And I have some bras, none of which I like that much because I have slopey shoulders and so I’m always fighting with the straps. Also, I slouch at work, which means that, when I stand up, I have two big red smiles, one under each tit. I don’t like that. But also annoying is that the underwire, where it meets in the front, tends to stick out after a while. All of my bras start out with underwires that look like happy “u”s and end up looking like mangled corkscrews.

But this is not my complaint today.

Here’s what’s bothering me, America. This morning, in the shower, I found dead skin in the fold of my boobs. I don’t think it’s raw or anything. It doesn’t hurt, but it occurs to me that I’ve never looked at the underside of my boobs. I could have a large rash there and never know it.

Hold on.

Okay, I just checked in the bathroom and I don’t have any horrible disfigurments, but it does look kind of dry under there. Is it just the weather? Is my skin too dry? Too damp? Should I start lotioning or powdering? Do I need new bras? To stop wearing bras? Now, I’m worried that it might smell funny.

Maybe I should have asked the disgruntled folks who were walking out of The Devil’s Rejects if one of them would be so kind as to sniff my under-boob before they left.

Well, I Think I’m Funny

Though I long to write long loving posts to The Devil’s Rejects, I will spare you and instead focus on Morgan and Jerry Lewis.

Morgan says:

Look, I’m not trying to be a chauvinist or anything, but there just aren’t very many hilarious girls out there. Face it, comedy might not be your niche. Try being thoughtful instead. There’s a real fine line, though, because the girls that are “too cool” never say anything funny. So, I guess, make a few funnies, but just don’t push it.

Jerry Lewis says:

A woman doing comedy doesn’t offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

Now, frankly, I think Morgan is taking the bigger comedic risk here, because he’s trying to insult women at the same time that he, himself, is trying to be funny. He runs a great risk, if his humor falls flat, of being seen as a fool.

Jerry, on the other hand, is taking little risk for himself at all. He’s got nothing to lose by revealing himself to be a jackass. Those of us who love Dean Martin have long suspected it. It is unfortunate, though, because he also speaks for the MDA and his comments could have hurt them.

But none of this analysis brings us any closer to understanding whether or not women are actually funny. I think I’m funny and many people who know me in real life spend a great deal of time laughing around me (or maybe at me, hard to say).

Can one’s sense of humor, her comedic timing, her ability to move audiences be linked to her gender? Or might one’s ability to perceive different funny things be linked to one’s gender? I’m almost certain it’s the latter, not the former, as my observations suggest that only men with very small penises don’t find me delightfully humerous.

The Devil’s Rejects

Quick review: Awesome. Beautiful. Definitely my favorite movie I’ve seen all year. Part Black Label Society picnic. Part American Gothic. I told Taketoshi and I’m telling you, I’d kind of written off Rob Zombie as director after House of a Thousand Corpses, figuring he had an interesting career making fucked up home videos and not much more, but this… this was something else, America. Wow.