The Smell

There’s a smell in my kitchen like… I don’t even know how to describe it. Like something died, rotted, the corpse reanimated only to be killed by Bruce Campbell, and rotted again.

But the worst part is that it’s not very strong. So you walk through the kitchen a few times and everything seems fine and dandy. But then, when you’re standing at the sink, rinsing some dishes to go in the dishwasher, it comes out of nowhere and assaults the senses.

Damned if I can figure out where it’s coming from. I’ve sniffed the sink. I emptied the trash can. I asked the Butcher to come in there and give a sniff, but he claimed he didn’t smell anything.

It’s weird, but the smell seems to be located right in front of the sink. Which made me a little worried. What if it’s me that smells so bad?

But at work today, everyone kept coming in and out of my office even though I was clearly trying to work, so I must not smell as bad as this smell or they’d have been finding excuses to be elsewhere, I’m sure.

Now I’m worried that one of the animals has dropped something small in my nose and it has lodged in my sinuses and started to rot, so that it’s a smell only I can smell.

You’d think that people would not be able to get things up their noses, but my dad once got a peanut stuck up there, so it’s entirely possible. I don’t know why the animals would stick things up my nose while I slept, or even how they would accomplish that without thumbs, but they’ve been spending a lot of time in-doors since it’s so unbearably hot out. And the tiny cat has moved from her spot on the suitcase in my room to a perch on the step-stool in the kitchen, which lends even more to the theory that the pets are involved in some kind of psychological experiment on me.

Or maybe something has crawled under the house and died.

Anyway, my dear friend, The Professor, has volunteered to come over and see if she can smell it too. If she can, we’ll locate the cause of the smell and rid the house of it. If she can’t, I may have to read up on pet-induced psychosis.

12 thoughts on “The Smell

  1. I had the same smell in my ktichen for a while. For as long as I could, I attributed it to the fact that I am a slob. Finally, I noticed that a little tree frog had managed to move himself between the side door and the doorframe, only to be crushed when I last used the door to empty trash. I like tree frogs, so I was a little sad to see his dangling, rubbery leg hanging just above eye level. It was nice to finally solve the mystery though and be rid of the stink.

    Have you checked your nose for tree frogs?

  2. Mold can be a big source of smell like that, too, and I know this part of the country has a huge problem with black mold which is by far the worst. My entire building has had an ongoing fight with the crap for a while and, while my apartment is generally ok in this regard now, it still shows up from time to time, smellifying everything worse than usual.

  3. My college apartment was quite messy and became possessed with the most unbelieveable stink one August when the temperature was quite like it is now. It was enough to motivate my roomate and I to purchase cleaning products and actually employ them. We cleaned like bastards, but the stink only worsened.

    Then we moved the furniture around and found a number of old socks that had somehow crawled underneath the couch and collected on top of the vent. We figured that the odor from the socks was being dispersed by the air from the vent, and thus distributed about the apartment.

    Wrong again. As the constantly stoned maintenence was to soon discover, a possum had crawled into our air-conditioning vent and died during the hottest week of the year.

  4. One of my friends in Texas lived in the cutest, meticulously maintained little brick bungalow I’ve ever seen. One evening, the wife noticed an odd smell. Which gradually grew into a funk of epic proportions. Long story short: a squirrel had crawled up under the roof and then gnawed through some insulation to get down into the interior wall space. Then, the damn thing upped and died — and its rotting corpse came close to skunking them out of their house. They had to rip out most of the wall out to get at the damn thing.

  5. And speaking of malodorous events — the other night I came home to my mostly clean living room and just about got knocked over by the funk emanating from the living room. My dear, sweet LE was feeling a bit “gassy” and the poo cloud hanging over the room was practically visible. I live in fear that it lingers on the sofa cushions and I’ve just gotten used to it.

  6. Bruce Campbell is coming to town this month!!!

    So he can take care of that stench for you.

  7. What?! Bruce Campbell is going to be in town? Is this something I would know if I read the Scene more closely?

    Okay, I’m going to be checking my nose and under the fridge for a moldy farting tree frog in the grips of a dead possum.

    You guys crack me up. I’ve been reading all the responses to the Butcher since there’s fuck-all on TV.

  8. Bruce Campbell will be here on the 23d.

    Hail to the King, baby.

  9. I am enduring similar problems at the moment, as The Corporate Shill put previously that “funk of epic proportions” seems to be most fitting. After scouring the attic space low and behold I find these cute little bite holes in the ducting. The little buggers are stealing my air! Meanwhile i’ve been down here wondering why my air con is deminishing those little fruity assed bastards have been up there having a jolly old time…
    Next they’ll be taping my cable watching bigscreen movies by demand on the neighbours Ipod

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