Dad Wants to Talk about the Men in my Life

So, my dad called me up last night to ask me about the men I met at the park.

“What?” I asked.

“Your mother said you met some men at the park and that they took you to dinner last week.”

Now, here’s the thing about my mom. She just makes shit up. I mean, she uses real facts–like I know some guys, I go to the park, and I go out to dinner when I can swing it–but she puts them together in ways so interesting that you’d think anyone she was talking about would barely have time to sleep or work*.

“Mom told you I was dating two guys? Is this still about Thanksgiving?”

“Those drunk gay guys that called you? No, not them.”

“Gay?”

“Your mother said they were partners.”

“Really?”

I hear my mom in the background yelling, “They were drunk? I thought they had Parkinson’s.”

“What?” I ask again.

“Oh, Parkinson’s,” my dad says. “Not partners.”

“You always accuse me of making up stories and how can you know if I’m making things up when you never listen to what I’m saying?”

“Why should I listen to what you’re saying when you’re always making things up?”

“Anyway,” I interject.

“Okay, listen, you need to be a cheap date. When I met your mom, we went on three dates. I took her to the movies. And I took her out to eat a couple of times and then she said we should get married. And I figured, she had bad eye-sight and a teaching contract, I could do worse. So, we got married.”

“I thought you got married so quickly** because you didn’t believe in premarital sex and Mom had needs.”

“Who told you that?”

“Mom.”

“Well, there you go. Your mother’s always making things up.”

* I just realized that my mom would make an awesome blogger.
**They met in September of 1968 and were married in June of 1969.

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22 thoughts on “Dad Wants to Talk about the Men in my Life

  1. So the quirky brain damage is a genetic thing? Or is this one of those nature vs nurture debates?

    The rumors about Sarcastro and me are grossly exaggerated.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  2. It was cracking me up that it didn’t occur to her that you were drunk. It’s just like her to assume you had some disease and to tell my dad it like it was a known fact.

    I never could figure out what the deal with the guys in the park was though.

    And what you call “quirky brain damage,” I call an endearing generosity of spirit.

  3. As spirit costs nothing, it must be pretty easy to be generous with it.

    Hey Exador, do you want to see Brokeback Mountain this weekend? There is nothing more manly than going to a good western.

  4. Guilty, but that’s funny I don’t care who ya are.

    Last night’s Adult Swim version of The Boondocks helped solidify it as one of the funniest damn shows on television.

    Simpsons was surprisingly good, too.

  5. My hat off to you, sir. Making the Larry the Cable Guy joke has got to be the wittiest thing that will happen around here all day. Mad props.

    What’s with all the Italian stuff this year? First Milhouse teaches Lisa and then they go to Italy? I did love Sideshow Bob’s wife and kid, though. That was awesome.

    You hope there’s someone out there like that for everyone.

  6. (in a high little kid voice) Vendetta! Vendetta!

    I walked around the house with a knife all night saying that.

    Mrs.(Signora) Sideshow Bob’s voice was provided by Maria Grazia Cucinotta(39C/D-25 1/2-35 1/2) who made an appearance in the opening sequence of The World Is Not Enough as well as an episode of The Sopranos. I would frame Krusty and kill Bart for a lifetime in a Tuscan village with her.

  7. Yes, I’m sure she’d be very impressed by your declaring her the one woman in the world with an odd bra size.

  8. Don’t blame me. Blame Celebrity Sleuth magazine.

    Being between cup sizes hardly makes her unique. I would think you’ve handled enough breasts to know that by now.

  9. It is my hobby, but no, I meant band size. I’ve never heard of anyone being a 39. But let’s bring the tit expert in. Shill?

  10. My favorite part of the Simpsons last night was the “Diversity Tales” video Mrs. Kerbopple showed in class. “Stop the tape now and discuss tolerance.”

    I wonder if one difference between the left and the right is that we can laugh at ourselves.

  11. Evidently, Miss J isn’t familiar with the Collected Works of Larry The Cable Guy.

    And if you want to pick a fight, it’s Krabappel, not Kerbopple.

  12. I always assumed it was spelled Crabapple but pronounced “Kra” “Bopple” as an homage to the Little Rascals.

  13. And then there was that time your Mom rode that horse naked on campus during the Mass Streak of ’74. That was awesome.

  14. Maybe your mom heard about your make up stories about me fest and she was just trying to contribute in her own way.

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