Little Bits of This and That

1. I started a post about ten things about the Butcher that crack me up. I could only come up with eight, though. Once you get past the fire breathing and the wire men he leaves all over the house as tiny sight gags, there’s not much more to say. He’s just a funny guy. You can’t really break it out into individual pieces.

2. I believe I’m the only person who can set off her fire alarm merely by boiling water.

3. Our favorite Boy Scout is putting a new floor in his living room. Because I have the maturity of a 14 year old, it’s all I can do to keep from sending him an email that says “Heh, you said ‘hard wood.'”

4. Huck is fixing for a fight, for those of you who are also looking to do battle. Right now he’s busy baiting libertarians.

5. Every so often, Flea does these mailbags, and I read them faithfully, hoping that one of her readers will ask if she has any instructional videos about how to shoot ping pong balls out of her cooter and if that’s even a good idea to try. No one has, as of yet, which means I’m going to have to break down and do it. Unless she reads this. So, everyone, you must click on the link, causing her to check her stats and wonder what’s going on over here. She’ll come look, see my question, and answer it. And that way, I won’t have to figure out how to word the email.

Mad With Power!

Grandefille thinks I should be Queen of the World. I can’t say that I disagree. My first official act would be to get a horse-drawn carriage and ride slowly past construction workers hooting and hollering at them. Okay, my first official act would be to buy some beer to drink while I was riding around in my horse-drawn carriage, but then it’d be a day of riding around town harassing construction workers and drinking beer.

Then I would require Trace Atkins and David Banner to call me up and say “Well, now B., darling*, I ain’t wearing nothing but my boxer drawers.”

Then I would demand that my political enemies trim Mrs. Wigglebottom’s toenails. Except for George Bush. I have plans for George.

Then I would endow a chair at a cushy university and install the Professor as Supreme Professor for Life of All Departments and Larry Summers would be her footstool.

Then I would go to bed, at 9:30, as usual. And anyone who laughed or mocked me for turning in early would be stuck in my dungeon**.

Anyway, it’s not just the Queen of the World nomination that’s got me giddy. Somehow, Tiny Cat Pants has been nominated for a Koufax Award for Blog Most Deserving of Wider Recognition. I suspect Kleinheider may have something to do with this. If so, he gets out of dog-toenail-trimming.

Lindsey from Theology & Geometry seems to be the only other Tennessee blog and one of her readers already made the Koufax joke I wanted to make. J.R., I don’t know who you are, but when I’m Queen of the World, you’ll be required to wait some set amount of time to see if I want to make your funny first.

Still, it’s very cool to see Tiny Cat Pants in the same category as Theology & Geometry (which is full of well-thought-out good stuff) and I Blame the Patriarchy (which is full of patriarchy blaming good stuff and the song “[You’ve Got the] Second-Biggest Dick [I’ve Ever Seen]”. Citizens of Earth, if you don’t love patriarchy-blaming and good mock rock, I don’t even know why you bother.).

I Blame the Patriarchy should totally win, but I’m tickled to be nominated. I won’t forget this honor, Koufax Awards, when I’m Queen of the World.

[Edited to add: Of course Fritz finds the other Tennessee blogs. When I am Queen, Fritz will be my liaison to the media. In what fashion he might choose to liaise with Anderson Cooper is not my business.]

*If men only knew the power of a well-spoken “darling,” all hopes for undermining the patriarchy would rest solely with our lesbian sisters. It’s very hard to undermine anything except yourself when you’re giggling and blushing. As your Queen, I’ll require there be one woman with me at all times who can say “Darling” so sweet and sexy that it causes me to blush to mitigate the power of the patriarchy.
**People with fancy endowed chairs would do well to remember this.