Mad With Power!

Grandefille thinks I should be Queen of the World. I can’t say that I disagree. My first official act would be to get a horse-drawn carriage and ride slowly past construction workers hooting and hollering at them. Okay, my first official act would be to buy some beer to drink while I was riding around in my horse-drawn carriage, but then it’d be a day of riding around town harassing construction workers and drinking beer.

Then I would require Trace Atkins and David Banner to call me up and say “Well, now B., darling*, I ain’t wearing nothing but my boxer drawers.”

Then I would demand that my political enemies trim Mrs. Wigglebottom’s toenails. Except for George Bush. I have plans for George.

Then I would endow a chair at a cushy university and install the Professor as Supreme Professor for Life of All Departments and Larry Summers would be her footstool.

Then I would go to bed, at 9:30, as usual. And anyone who laughed or mocked me for turning in early would be stuck in my dungeon**.

Anyway, it’s not just the Queen of the World nomination that’s got me giddy. Somehow, Tiny Cat Pants has been nominated for a Koufax Award for Blog Most Deserving of Wider Recognition. I suspect Kleinheider may have something to do with this. If so, he gets out of dog-toenail-trimming.

Lindsey from Theology & Geometry seems to be the only other Tennessee blog and one of her readers already made the Koufax joke I wanted to make. J.R., I don’t know who you are, but when I’m Queen of the World, you’ll be required to wait some set amount of time to see if I want to make your funny first.

Still, it’s very cool to see Tiny Cat Pants in the same category as Theology & Geometry (which is full of well-thought-out good stuff) and I Blame the Patriarchy (which is full of patriarchy blaming good stuff and the song “[You’ve Got the] Second-Biggest Dick [I’ve Ever Seen]”. Citizens of Earth, if you don’t love patriarchy-blaming and good mock rock, I don’t even know why you bother.).

I Blame the Patriarchy should totally win, but I’m tickled to be nominated. I won’t forget this honor, Koufax Awards, when I’m Queen of the World.

[Edited to add: Of course Fritz finds the other Tennessee blogs. When I am Queen, Fritz will be my liaison to the media. In what fashion he might choose to liaise with Anderson Cooper is not my business.]

*If men only knew the power of a well-spoken “darling,” all hopes for undermining the patriarchy would rest solely with our lesbian sisters. It’s very hard to undermine anything except yourself when you’re giggling and blushing. As your Queen, I’ll require there be one woman with me at all times who can say “Darling” so sweet and sexy that it causes me to blush to mitigate the power of the patriarchy.
**People with fancy endowed chairs would do well to remember this.

21 thoughts on “Mad With Power!

  1. You already harrass construction workers. And by harrass, I mean annoy.

  2. Yes, and think of how much more fun I’ll have doing it from the back of a horse-drawn carriage. I’m going to get some ridiculously large dress, too, and tromp around your construction sites in my huge dress and combat boots, while singing “Shitloads of Money” at the top of my lungs in your honor.

  3. Huzzah! The Queen! Huzzah!

    I actually called Trace Atkins “darlin'” once. At a press conference. In which he and Lee Roy Parnell were suing a twit to get their Internet domain names back. (It also involved whitehouse.com, y’all. It was Ug-Ly.)

    Anyway. I slipped and said, “thanks, darlin’,” when he gave me a really good quote, and he rumbled, “I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody I could nearly look straight in the eye call me ‘darlin’.’ That’s damn cool.” So, yeah, those were my kneecap prints you saw in the floor of the old Hall of Fame foyer. *thud*

    “Ain’t No Thinkin’ Thing,” indeed. Whew.

    (Mr. Atkins is the only person in my journalistic career, other than Manute Bol, I had to look up to interview. Hence my name.)

    I shall offer my services as the Queen B’s henchwoman, if needed. Able to murmur “darlin'” more effectively than Conway (I have references!), find premium beer on sale (to ensure a strong treasury), and boot ruffians (or escort them into the privy chamber) at Her Majesty’s whim.

    ~ curtseys ~

  4. Well, it would have to be a ridiculously large dress, now wouldn’t it?

  5. Sure you don’t mind paying for and groping tits with the consistancy of Stretch Armstrong, but most guys like the feel of real. And, if you want real tits, you have to put up with a real ass.

  6. My second poem in one week dedicated to your rack.

    In a grand horse-drawn carriage she sits
    While boorish male subjects have fits
    It’s yet to be seen
    The response of the queen
    When they yell at her “show us your tits”

  7. Knucklehead, when I am Queen, you’ll recite these poems to me while standing on Sarcastro. I hope you’ll be wearing cleats.

  8. Well, damn, just when I was feeling like we were all special.

    I mean, we’re still special. I’m going to be queen. That’s pretty special. And grandefille is going to whisper in my ear.

    Still, I’m feeling less special than I was a minute ago.

  9. Well I just don’t know what to say. I just hope all the other professors don’t get too jealous and will still take me seriously enough to actually disagree with me instead of kissing my ass while talking shit behind my back.

  10. Jon, it ain’t bragging if you can back it up. Then it’s just saying the truth.

    J.R., glad to see you here. But, until I’m queen of the world, feel free to joke on.

  11. it ain’t bragging if you can back it up. Then it’s just saying the truth.

    Oh, that’s just a saying you braggers made up to hide the fact that your bragging, braggart.

  12. (Looking vaguely guilty)

    Um, I’m not Kleinheider, but can I still get out of dog toenail trimming?

  13. Phantom Scribbler, I’m so embarassed, both because poor Kleinheider is probably like “What the fuck?” and that you didn’t get the immediate thanks you deserve. Just for that, you’ll be allowed to wear my tiara when I don’t need it.

  14. I think there was more than just me making that nomination, so maybe Kleinheider is not thinking “What the fuck?”

    In any event, I would be delighted to borrow your tiara sometime.

  15. Congratulations. I realize I will just be a peasant in your court while you rule as queen.
    You will get to say cool things as Queen and it will be documented constantly as common law.
    Cake or death. That sort of thing.

  16. Congrats. However, when you are Queen of the World, the Koufax nomination will seem much less cool. Good luck with that Queen of the World thing – I’ll be rooting for you.

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