Last night, as I was sitting around working on Shug’s afghan, I watched “Most Haunted” on the Travel Channel. If you’ve seen this, you know that there’s this crazy psychic guy who wanders through the haunted places talking to the dead folks and getting information from them.
He has a spirit guide named “Sam” who helps facilitate such communications.
Which got me thinking, I need a spirit guide.
So, I pulled out the candles and the incense and sat quietly in the dark waiting for my spirit guide to contact me.
Oddly enough, it turns out that my spirit guide is local celebrity and blogger Rex L. Camino.
Shouldn’t my spirit guide be dead?
Shouldn’t you get your own gimmicks and stop ripping me off?
I’m not ripping you off. It’s an homage.
Don’t use those fancy words on me, Frenchie.
How did you know about my stint in Grease?
I’m Rex L. Camino, Spirit Guide. I know all.
Great, then, put it on me.
And here’s what he told me:
- Fritz, from TV on the Fritz, though he’ll deny it, secretly longs to make his living as a George Jones impersonator. The only thing preventing this is Fritz’s disturbing “yabba dabba doo, the king is dead and so are you.” It’s George Jones, Fritzy, not Eminem.
- The reason Kleinheider won’t appear in public is that he has two heads. An even lesser-known fact? One of these heads is Al Sharpton.
- Sarcastro is actually an elaborate parody of a “divorced white male in his late thirties. Just like every other asshole with a weblog.” perpetrated by two obnoxious Nashville feminists. He doesn’t actually exist. The man in the photos and at the public appearances is really the infamous leftist, Church Secretary.
- The Super Genius chews tobacco, but only on national holidays.
- I have my grandpa’s tooth and a raccoon penis bone in a bag by my bed.
Sadly, after these pronouncements, it appears that Camino’s wife demanded he stop talking to himself or at least talk to himself in another room where she didn’t have to hear it and I lost contact with him.
Still, I’m sure that these must all be true.
Why would my spirit guide lie?