If Kleinheider Ever Left His House, I would Buy Him a Beer

Y’all, Kleinheider remains my favorite scary conservative blogger. As any long-time reader knows, I love to disagree with him (and sing little songs about him on my way to the bathroom while I’m at work: “Ooo Kleinheider your corners are mitered and all of the folks want to know if you’re real. Are you a loner who hides in a corner or are you a military-grade trained seal?” Obviously, it’s not a very good song, but I defy you to find something that rhymes with ‘Kleinheider.’ Not so easy, is it, smartasses?)

Anyway, Kleinheider. Today he weighs in on my “examination/fascination/flirtation with libertarianism.”* And he cuts right to the heart of the matter in a way I had not quite been able to put together**.

Most people are weak. They need freedom, yes, but they also need things like authority and faith to make them whole.

Libertarians are attractive because, quite often, they are exceptions to this general rule. They are highly intelligent capable people able to tackle the obstacles of life mostly on their own without the benefits of the aforementioned institutions.

He identifies libertarians as utopians, which I hadn’t put together, but seems exactly right. I’m all the time telling Sarcastro that most people want to be bossed around and Sarcastro rolls his eyes and ignores me, but I’m right.

We’re pack animals. Nationality is a large pack we belong to. Most of us expect that pack to set some standards for behavior.

I don’t know that I would call that “weakness.” It’s just how it is. But why quibble on one of the rare occasions when I agree with Kleinheider?

Now, back to my song***. You can join in if you like.

Ooo, Kleinheider your corners are mitered…

*Y’all! Can I just say that I love the idea of flirting with a whole political ideology? “Oh, libertarianism, you’re so strong and you never presume to know what’s best for me. Mmm. I like that in a political philosophy. Buy a girl a drink?”
**Because, as you may have guessed, I’m still stuck on what happens to any dependent in a libertarian society when faced with crappy parents. If no one can be compelled to take care of the kid, doesn’t that violate his “natural rights”? Are the “natural rights” of adults more important than the natural rights of children? What about of old people?
***Yeah, I guess if the singing and the silliness have returned to Tiny Cat Pants you can rest assured that my Sunday drive did me good.

33 thoughts on “If Kleinheider Ever Left His House, I would Buy Him a Beer

  1. Yes, but a major difference between the Communist Utopia and the Libertarian one, is this:

    Communist: All the deadbeats have to be taken care of and are a continuinig impediment to the utopia.

    Libertarian: The deadbeats quickly die off on their own, leaving the Utopia.

  2. Still completely amazed by this. Seemingly bright people, well read even, who insist on reducing this debate to whether or not the few scraps we throw the poorest among us is the best way to govern. It’s a fraction of the budget. A tiny fraction. Where is the Libertarian sensibility and fiscal outrage over our bloated defense budget?

    And blindsider ryhmes, doesn’t it?

  3. Aw, that’s so sweet of you. But I have to know, will there be smooches? I can’t live in a libertarian utopia as your slave without smooches.

  4. Mack, I don’t know how you snuck in there ahead of me, since I thought I was the only one with a blogger time machine, but there you are.

    “Blindsider.”

    Brilliant!

  5. “Libertarian: The deadbeats quickly die off on their own, leaving the Utopia.”

    Until they have children.

  6. Obviously, the only way we can be safe from the libertarians who wish to be our overlords is to rise up and enslave them first.

    Would anything make me happier than watching Sarcastro and the Wayward Boy Scout cleaning my tub?

    Really? Probably not.

    So, Huck, you can have Miss Kitty and Vox Day. I’ll take Sarcastro and Exador as my chattel.

  7. Aunt B. couldn’t rhyme with Kleinheider
    So Mack came along with blindsider
    Now try as I might
    I can’t get one right
    I guess I’m just not a fine writer

  8. Knucklehead! I should have known you’d come through with the poem. You rule. Three enslaved libertarians for you!

    Huck, you crack me up.

  9. Here’s what I can’t figure out. If everyone is left to their own devices, and the weak and stupid die off, the bodies will eventually begin to stink. In order for the dead bodies to be collected, someone will have to be paid by someone else to do it. Do we privatize dead body collection? Do I only have to pay for dead body collection when there is one (or more) that offends me personally?

    I guess if I have a fully stocked and well-armed root cellar to hide in until the stink dissapates, I won’t ever have to worry about it.

  10. By the way, there really is a Kleinheider. That is his real last name, and I have met him. He is quiet, tall, and seemingly disagreeable.

    I do not know this for a fact, but he would seem to enjoy beer.

    I can say no more.

  11. Seemingly bright people, well read even, who insist on reducing this debate to whether or not the few scraps we throw the poorest among us is the best way to govern.

    Thank you for inadvertently arguing the pro-libertarian point.

    The only thing the government throws are scraps.

    Let us keep what monies the government turns into scraps and turn them into plowshares.

  12. By the way, there really is a Kleinheider. That is his real last name, and I have met him. He is quiet, tall, and seemingly disagreeable.

    Oh fantastic. You have just described my dream man.

    If you all start enslaving us poor libertarians, can I be indentured to Kleinheider?

  13. Knucklehead,

    Some entrepreneur will come along to collect the dead bodies for the Soylent Green Factory.

    If we just let the free market work!

  14. Porch glider.
    Insider.
    Fast slider.
    Screw tighter.
    Word fighter.
    Backslider.
    Requiter.
    Delighter.
    Imbiber (a near-rhyme)

    Someone else needs to make up the song, however.

  15. Aunt B. Sings Michael Martin Murphy:

    She ran calling Klein-heider
    She ran calling Klein-heider
    She ran calling Klei-i-i-i-i-inheider

    On Kleinheider, we’re gonna ride
    We’re gonna leave Libertarians behind
    Riding Klei-i-i-i-i-inheider

  16. Knucklehead, I bow before your mighty pop music recall. Maybe you can explain to me why a killing frost would have been sufficient to snuff the singer’s girlfriend and her horse? We don’t get that kind of frost in the East, apparently

  17. The “killing frost” was a metaphor for our bloated, nanny-state government, just like the “hoot owl howling by my window now for six nights in a row” refers to our over-reaching government getting into our personal lives nearly every day of the week.

    Michael Martin Murphy was quite the protest song writer

  18. Knucklehead, it might be impolite on a post devoted to my crush on Kleinheider to admit this, but I could not love you more if you were made of chocolate cake.

  19. According to Ole Blue Eyes’ definition, it’s true.

    She loves the free, fresh wind in her hair / Life without care / She’s broke, but it’s ok

  20. Okay kids, here’s your reading assignment. Auntie, this is the best book about libertarians. The fiction kind where you can explore what would happen if libertarians ruled (or rather didn’t rule) the planet. It has some science fiction classics from as far back as the 40’s included.

    Here’s a free sample. But the best stories aren’t included.

    Judging from the introduction it’s supposed to encourage budding libertarians, but it really discouraged some of my tendancies that way.

    w

  21. Thank you for inadvertently arguing the pro-libertarian point.

    The only thing the government throws are scraps.

    Let us keep what monies the government turns into scraps and turn them into plowshares.

    9:46 AM

    A nice try, I suppose. You are a talented writer, to be sure. But I have noticed a tendency to over-react to ANY critism of Christianity, and also to reduce the entire Libertarian arguement to “it’s my money, let me keep it.” Perhaps that IS the entire Libertarian arguement.

    Knucklehead, you’re killin me…

  22. The caveat in your “most people want to be bossed around” argument is yes, but not by you.

    Backslider
    Open Wider
    Tight Inside Her
    Bump n’ Grinder

  23. Well, Sarcastro, you’re hired if anyone needs to compose a gangster rap about Kleinheider.

    And your sass is fine now. When you’re my slave, that’s going to be a problem.

  24. When I am your slave the moon will turn to blood and the rivers will run backwards and the Beast shall rule over the plains of Megiddo.

    Between that and the hordes of walking undead, my sass will be the least of your problems.

  25. There are going to be walking undead? Well, that answers Knucklehead’s question about who will come to remove the corpses.

  26. Better watch out Sarcastro. We women folk just might be able to coordinate that moon-turning-to-blood thing. ;)

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