Lunch with the Butcher

The Butcher and I went to lunch to the Mediterranean place on 21st, which we both agree has declined in quality since the family of the girl with the beautiful brown eyes sold it. I don’t think we’ll be going back there any time soon.

But having lunch with the Butcher reminds me how bad I feel for any of you lacking a brother like the Butcher. We were laughing so hard through most of lunch that I was very sad to not be spending the rest of the day with him.

Here’s the kind of thing you can say to your brother, “You appear to be growing ear hair.” To which he replies, “Yep.” And then you can say, “I think I’m also turning into some kind of sasquatch.” to which he replies, “Well, think of how nice it will be when we can just go out and live in the woods and shit where we want.”

Anyway, it wasn’t all shits and giggles for the Butcher and me.

He was also outlining his political platform.

It’s made of two elements right now: prison reform and littering.

His vision for prison reform is that we stop allowing prisoners to work out and instead feed them high fat diets so that they come out of prison weak and out of shape instead of larger and more menacing than when they went in. He would put the prisoners to work sorting recyclable materials out of our garbage and recommend extensive therapy for them.

He would also put reality television cameras everywhere so that all prisoners could be publicly humiliated with having to be on crappy TV.

His littering reform is much simpler. He will adopt a highway (or steal an ‘adopt a highway’ sign and put his name on it) and put orange snow fencing along that stretch of road. People will then be encouraged to litter on the orange snow fencing, which can then be bundled up and sent to the prisons, where the fat, lazy reality-show star prisoners can sort it.

His campaign slogan is, at the moment, “America, just let me once make more money than my sister.”

I know, y’all are jealous that you did not have a cool lunch like mine with the Butcher. However, for a “modest” campaign contribution, he’s willing to have lunch with you any time.

[Edited to say that the Butcher just called and said that now that he thinks about it, he will have webcams, so that family members can follow the antics of their relatives on the internet.]

2 thoughts on “Lunch with the Butcher

  1. we both agree has declined in quality since the family of the girl with the beautiful brown eyes sold it.

    So true on both counts.

    However, he’ll never be able to pitch this:
    the fat, lazy reality-show star prisoners can sort it.

    Who’s going to want to watch that? Not when you already have an abundance of musclebound sociopaths shiving and shtuping each other. Now that’s Prime Time, baby!

    Besides, nobody wants to see some fat dude keister an old Thunderbird bottle.

  2. Who’s going to want to watch that?

    I will have to watch thousands of hours of that. I’ll edit a best-of reel, starring my recalcitrant brother. The next time I get any familial gruff at Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I’ll whip-out the DVD of see-my-life-isn’t-that-screwed-up: Season 1. Unfortunately, that show is going to be canceled in 12-15 years.

    I’m joking. My recalcitrant brother found a decent lawyer and avoided prison. But there is a market (about 2 million families IIRC).

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