Saraclark says that I should promote my boob freckle more now that the readers of the Scene might be stopping by.
I haven’t seen a flood of people from the Scene, but I guess you never know. Plus, who am I to deny you guys anything?
For Saraclark, I will tell you about the boob freckle.
I was walking home today thinking about what I might say about the boob freckle, which was a good thing, actually, because otherwise, I would have had to thought about how I was going to have to cross that god damned bridge, which I hate to cross.
Luckily, by the time I get to the bridge, I’m so tired I just stumble across it without noticing how scared I am. True, today I hoped some car would lightly hit me. You know, hard enough that everyone stops to see if I’m okay and I can cross the bridge without having to worry about traffic but not hard enough to cause me to go careening over the side of the bridge onto 440. But that’s only because it’s been a while since I’ve walked home. I’ll get back in the groove, and it’ll be fine.
But I was thinking on the way home that I am the slowest person in the world. Seriously, if I walked any slower, I think I’d technically be standing still. It takes me about forty-five minutes to walk home and I suspect that it’s just a mile to work. That’s how slow I am.
So, as I was dragging myself up the last little hill before the dead end, of course, I wondered if I benefit at all from walking. Probably I could walk home every day and no one who sees me trudging up the hill at the park will ever write about how I’m “hot as balls.”
I mean, I am usually as hot as balls by that point, but not in a way worth writing home about.
I have a point, I’ve just lost it for a second because I’m distracted by Mrs. Wigglebottom, who has discovered that we have new neighbors, who have a dog, which has caused Mrs. Wigglebottom to carry around her rope all afternoon. Now, she’s sleeping on it.
Apparently, the new dog looks like the kind of dog that can break into a locked house and steal a girl’s favorite toy.
Yes, my point is that, though I am delightfully cute and charming and funny and only slightly awkward and fucktarded in social situations, I don’t consider myself particularly sexy.
But, I am not an idiot.
The boob freckle? The boob freckle is sexy. The boob freckle sits on my right boob right where the boob starts to get very round and full. It oversees the expanse where my tits come together and, when I’m wearing a button-down shirt, it peeks out occasionally, tempting whoever’s looking to keep looking and to look closer.
The boob freckle has one goal, to lure you to it. Look at it, touch it, run your lips across it–it’s all good to the boob freckle. The rest of me lacks self-confidence, but the boob freckle is unwavering in its sexiness.
It’s just a little speck of brown on a vast expanse of white, but it’s single-mindedly devoted to pleasure in a way I’m constantly amazed by.
So it’s like those glow-in-the-dark appendages that fish on the bottom of the ocean use to attract prey?
I hadn’t thought of that! The boob freckle gives me an evolutionary advantage.
Oh my…I think I may swoon!
Sometimes it’s all about shameless self-promotion. I should warn you now that I am a bad influence.
I think I would have a hard time coming up with an asset about myself, that would have as much personality as the boob freckle. Congratulations. Apparently it also gets some people just as riled up as your politics.
It’s only an evolutionary advantage if you pass it on to your offspring. If those offspring are male, the advantage is lost. It would have to manifest itself on them as a pattern of dots reading “home of the Whopper” with and arrow pointing downward.
cafiend, I don’t buy your “it’s not an advantage if the men don’t have it, too” line of reasoning. There are plenty of species in which only one gender has decorative coloring.
True, if my immediate offspring are male, the advantage is lost–but only for one generation. If they carry the boob freckle gene, their daughters will be as lucky as me.
Quite so! Sorry about that. I just meant that they’d have to find their mates without that advantage. Where would a freckle on a man catch a woman’s eye in a suggestive way?
I thought the Home of the Whoper marking was a little funny, anyway.