Coyotes

This morning as Mrs. Wigglebottom and I were eating poop out of the neighbors’ yards… well, I was not eating poop, but Mrs. Wigglebottom was eating enough for the both of us… our neighbor, who keeps us up to date on the hobo activity in the neighborhood, came out to tell us that he was seeing coyotes along the train tracks.

I’d wondered where all the rabbits in the neighborhood had gone.

Back in February, there wasn’t any place you could rest your eyes in our neighborhood without seeing rabbits and now? None.

He also pointed out something that I’d noticed. We have some enormous foxes in our neighborhood. I mean, like the size of a big raccoon. I’m checking out the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency’s page and they claim that gray foxes only get 7-13 pounds, but the one I see in my back yard could easily be 25.

Perhaps the hobos are breeding a strand of large mutant killer foxes…

If so, just remember that you heard it here first.

Chock Full of Sex

1. I caught wind over at Twisty’s of an exciting effort to do to Napoli what Dan Savage did to Santorum. As most of you know, santorum is both an icky jackass and the frothy, fecally and lubey after-effects of anal sex.

Candy, over at Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Novels, is proposing this definition for napoli:

napoli (not to be confused with the proper noun, which indicates the Italian city)Function: verb Inflected Form(s): napolied Pronunciation: nA’poli

1. To brutalize and rape, sodomize as bad as you can possibly make it, a young, religious virgin woman who was saving herself for marriage.

2. To hella rape somebody.

Etymology: From State Senator Bill Napoli’s (R-SD) description of an acceptable rape that would merit an exemption from South Dakota’s abortion ban.

Brilliant.

2. Also brilliant, I mean so brilliant I’m dying of jealousy that I both didn’t write it myself and that I am not clever enough by half to write it myself, the Nashville Knucklehead writes the most awesome piece of protest poetry of the decade, if not of the new millennium, dealing with the proposed ban on the sale of sex toys here in Tennessee.

I will tempt you with a piece, but you must go read the whole thing.

‘Twas the night before voting, in the Senate and House
Charlotte Burks was still stirring, double-clicking her mouse.
Eric Swafford was hung up, and loaded for bear,
Cleaning his gun with the greatest of care.

With Senators nestled all snug in their beds,
The men-folk all polished their little bald heads.
And the ladyfolk lawmakers muffled their groans,
While fingers were frantically honing their stones.

Knuck, my hat’s off to you, sir. Bravo!

3. The Wayward Boy Scout is funny in his own way. But having Sarcastro & W.’s comments really make the whole post.

4. Ginger wants the LLA (the Librarian Liberation Army) to start smacking the shit out of people who want to inflict their prudish ways on public libraries.

5. I don’t know why, but it tickles me to see the folks over at Say Uncle also discussing the proposed ban on sex toys. Perhaps it’s the backhanded compliment of Egalia, maybe it’s the pondering of the proper way to make dildo plural, maybe it’s Uncle’s unwillingness to type “butt plug,” I don’t know. But it’s a good time.

In Which I Propose Further Legislation for the Pro-Life Crowd to Support

Y’all, this idea is so brilliant they’ll probably make me president-for-life of NOW, that is, if Focus on the Family doesn’t endow some chair for me at Bob Jones University.

Are you ready?

Let’s just say that a fertilized egg is a child. And let’s just say that children are a special class of citizen and their right to life trumps an adult’s right to say what happens to her own body. Therefore, if a woman finds out she’s pregnant, the state can compel her to donate her body to that child so that it can live.

That’s pretty much the pro-make-abortion-illegal crowd’s position.

My gripe with that, for those of you reading along at home, is that it treats women and men differently because the child’s rights always come before the woman’s rights, thus making women into a lesser kind of citizen than men, because there’s no analogous loss of bodily autonomy for the man.

Therefore, I propose compulsory organ donation for fathers.

It’s perfect. Most women, when they find out that they’re pregnant, even if it’s unexpected, arrange their lives to fit a child. They willingly set aside their bodily autonomy for the benefit of the kid. Most men, if faced with a child who needed a kidney or who had really shot her eye out with a bb gun would gladly donate whatever body part necessary to make that child whole.

So, if most people would do it anyway, and if the rights of children always trump the rights of adults, why not legally mandate that men must give their body parts to their children if their children need them?

Why I Changed My Mind

So, the Professor and I are probably going over on Thursday at least for a little bit, even though I remain convinced it will do no good and I will soon live in a state that will force me to involve my doctor in my decision to procure a dildo to stick in my cooter but won’t let my doctor and I make the decisions about what comes out of my cooter.

I have half a mind to pull an Annie Sprinkle and prop myself up in front of the legislature with a speculum and a flashlight. I mean, if they’re so keen on overseeing my vagina, why shouldn’t I let them get a good look? You can’t oversee what you can’t see, I always say*.

Anyway, why I’m going, even though they’re going to strip me of my right to privacy and my ability to stroll through the Hollywood Hustler gawking at the pig tail butt plugs**–because, at the end of the day, this comes down to whether or not I’m a full citizen.

It’s like I was saying over at Kleinheider’s before I was so rudely interrupted:

When you advocate for a legal position that says that life begins at conception, what you’re doing in reality is turning fertile women into a group of potential criminals that need to be monitored by the state at all times.

And you’re also creating a protected class of citizens, something you conservatives are usually loathe to do. But I’m beginning to understand that affirmative action is fine as long as it’s for fetuses.

Y’all both want to argue that fetuses are people deserving of the same rights as any other person under the law (including the right to life) and that they’re a special case that requires curtailing a woman’s liberty in order to let them have their rights.

Well, forgive me if I’m not convinced by your arguments. You want to make a moral argument, fine. I’m actually open to moral arguments against abortion.

But once you start saying “B., your inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are actually alienable by this special class of people according to the law,” you’re going to meet resistance by me.

Am I a full citizen with real rights that cannot be curtailed by the government willy-nilly or am I still some kind of half-citizen that only has rights as long as it doesn’t bother folks or get in the way of the fetal class?

Because, at the end of the day, if a fetus wants to be a citizen with full rights, then the fetus is going to have to deal with the consequences of the fact that sometimes its needs and my needs are in direct opposition.

And folks, this is really what it comes down to for me. Am I a full citizen or am I not? Because a full citizen, when his needs and desires come in conflict with another citizen’s, has the right to make the choices that he feels are best for him, even if they upset or inconvenience the other citizen***. Yes, sometimes it’s necessary for the judicial system to step in and decide who has more of a claim to which right, but that’s on an individual level.

We tend to think that we don’t make laws anymore that say “The rights of this group of people always and in all but the most extreme circumstances trump the rights of that group of people,” but that’s what’s happening with this bout of anti-abortion legislation.

They’re going to pass it anyway. Like I said, they really need to show that they’ve done something to “clean up this state” and they aren’t about to impose meaningful reform on themselves, so why not impose on me in order to distract voters?

I guess there comes a time when a girl’s got to say, if you don’t think I’m really a citizen of this state (or country), at least have the balls to tell me that to my face. So, I’m going over to at least show them that I noticed that they don’t think I’m a full citizen of Tennessee.

*Well, I don’t. But if I became a sex activist, I totally would.
**I wonder if they’ll outlaw handheld shower heads. They’ll get that away from me when they pry it from my cold dead cooter, let me tell you.
***Isn’t that right, gun nuts?