Gentlemen

Please, don’t read too much into this. I know it’s a widely-held belief–propagated by porn–that removing all one’s hair makes one look bigger. I have tried very hard to get used to this.

But, boys, it’s now my studied opinion that y’all hairless are about the funniest looking things ever.

So, here’s the request: if you’re going to take your pants off around me, and you have groomed yourself bare, please don’t be pissed if I struggle not to laugh. Lord knows I’m not going to turn you down. I’m just saying, you don’t really need to go to that effort for me.

Republicans, Here, Let Me Help

I said I wasn’t going to snark about Marsha Blackburn, but then I went and reread Bill Hobbs’s post and I realize, if I don’t help these misguided conservatives, who’s going to?

Marsha Blackburn is over in Memphis for the Republican Party Prom and, while in Memphis, says:

We Tennesseans really are a bunch of God-fearing, freedom loving, flag-waving, guitar-picking, country music-singing, NASCAR fans and we believe that if 10% is good enough for God, then it is for damn sure good enough for the government.

I mention that she’s giving this speech in Memphis just to drive home the funny.

I’ve just got to ask, Blackburn, how many guitar-picking, country music-singing, NASCAR fans are you running into in Memphis? Or are the people of Memphis not really Tennesseans?

I swear to god, the Republicans could not be any more tone deaf about race relations if they tried.

So, folks, I’m going to let you in on a little secret–one that keeps the Democracts up at night.

Most black people are not like you see in music videos. They are not all violent thugs or scantily clad women with nothing better to do all day than lay around smoking pot, having sex, and defrauding various welfare programs.

Many black people, especially church-going black people are very socially conservative. Shoot, one only has to attend a couple of predominately black churches to see that there’s a receptive audience in the black community for faith-based initiatives, anti-gay-marriage legislation, and other stupid Republican party talking points.

And yet, here’s Blackburn in a Tennessee city with a large black population talking about how all Tennesseans really are stereotypical rednecks.

Look, Republicans, even in spite of your racist ways, you get black people like Rice and Powell to take your side. That’s how desperate conservative black people are to flee the Democratic party. Think of how many votes y’all would pick up if you stopped being such exclusionary assholes.

And now, Bill Hobbs, I must ask a question of you. When you say, “The rumor that she’s not a regular reader of Tennessee Guerilla Women appears to be true.” clearly your insinuation is that Blackburn isn’t one of “those feminists.” And, I think the Tennessean is attempting to make a similar point when it says, “the Brentwood congressman — she prefers that rather than the title congresswoman.” Has it escaped your notice that she’s serving in Congress? How do you think that happened?

Do you think we were all just sitting at home raising our kids and tending the households when, in 1919, all the men in the country suddenly burst into their kitchens and said, “Darling, it’s much to hard to run the country without you. Come, vote. Hold public office. Become leaders even in the most conservative circles” and we were all like, “No, I mustn’t. It just wouldn’t be proper.” and you said, “I must, as your husband, insist that you take a larger role in the governing of this great country.” and we said, “Well, dear husband, if you insist, of course I will do as you ask.”?

How do you get to rewrite history in such a way that HOLDING A CONGRESSIONAL SEAT AND BEING HELD UP AS ONE OF THE FUTURE REPUBLICAN POWER PLAYERS somehow has nothing to do with feminism?

I just don’t get it.

The Best

Country Music

The Best Hank Williams Jr. Song–“Family Tradition”
The Best Country & Western Song sung by a person who can’t quite pull it off–“I’m Going to Hire a Wino” by David Frizzell
The Best Singer I’m Always Like “God damn, who is this? I love this song.”–Don Williams
The Best Annie Lennox impersonation–That “Black Horse & Cherry Tree” chick

Rap Music

The Best Good-For-Nothing Smile–David Banner

Snack Foods

The Best Snack Food in the Machine at Work–These new Hershey’s Kissables. Have you had these? They seem like a Hershey’s rip-off of the M&M, but they are pleasantly different than that. The milk chocolate inside is a little creamier, I think, than your standard M&M and the candy coating is a little thicker.
The Best New Snack Food I Just Learned About–Someone at work brought in these blue potato chips that are apparently something like eight billion dollars a bag. But they are so good. Thick and potato-y without being too cardboard-like and not too much salt.

Men

The Best Man to Take to Lunch on Short Notice–Huck. The man knows everything about everything. At our last lunch, he told me so much about all the secret societies he belongs to that I thought I would have to be “disappeared”.
The Best Man to Have Show Up to Lunch with No Notice–Jesus. Still, I always wonder how these folks know that it’s Jesus and not, say, John the Baptist.

Women

Best Asinine Comment Made Today–Connie Chung. “He’s a quiet Chinese man. I can say that because I’m Chinese.” What the fuck? It’s a news story. Is there really anyone who believes that reporters can only note the ethnicity of the subjects of news stories if they share that ethnicity?
Best Asshole Comment Brought to My Attention Today by Bill HobbsMarsha Blackburn: “We Tennesseans really are a bunch of God-fearing, freedom-loving, flag-waving, guitar-picking, country music-singing, NASCAR fans and we believe that if 10% is good enough for God, then it is for damn sure good enough for the government.” The good thing about Blackburn is that her idiocy is so apparent I don’t even have to come up with anything snarky to say.