Bridgett had this brilliant idea that we should form some kind of anti-DAR, for those of us women from less than proud lineages who might want to band together to commiserate and, I presume, drink beer. In general, I think the only requirement to join such an organization, which would, by definition, be a disorganization is that you come from a family that makes you carefully consider how you’d ever explain them to your co-workers.
But I thought that some of you might need a handy quiz in order to decide if you should join.
So, here goes:
1. Count the number of children in your family conceived out of wedlock. (+1 for each of them)
2. A relative named “Bubba” or “Bub”? (+10)
3. Relatives who have two names, like Betty Anne or Billy Joe or Mary-Margaret? (+5)
4. The names in your family have a theme, like beginning with the letter “B” or all the girls sharing the same first or middle name or the boys all having Biblical names (+5)
5. Folks in your family have made up names like Kayden or Latrell (+5)
6. Give yourself five points for every living generation of your kin.
7. Give yourself a point for every “relative” you have that’s not really related to you, but comes around so much everyone just calls him Uncle Jimmy or Aunt Sally or whatever.
8. Your mom and her sister married brothers (+10)
9. Your mom and dad are step-siblings (+25)
10. Ten points for every relative living with you.
1. You make more right now than your dad did the whole time you were a kid. (+10)
2. And you have a job that doesn’t pay that well. (+10)
3. And you feel really, really guilty about it. (+5)
4. It’s just assumed that the more successful people in your family will give money to the less successful (+5)
5. You win $100 million in the lottery. What do you do?
a. Take your loved ones to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. (-25)
b. Take your family to Red Lobster to celebrate. (+5)
c. Red Lobster was your idea of a fancy restaurant. (+25)
d. Buy your momma a real house. (+10)
e. Don’t tell anyone in your family because you know the second your dad finds out, he’ll tell your uncle who will tell your cousins and the next thing you know you’ll have thirty people showing up at your door looking for handouts (+50).
1. You’re the first person in your family to go to college (+50)
2. You’re among the first generation of people in your family to go to college (+25)
3. You’re the first person in your family to graduate from high school. (+75)
4. You were pregnant or already a mother before you finished school. (+20)
5. You went to school with your cousins (+5)
6. Your high school was in the same building as the grade school (+5)
1. One point for every preacher in your family.
2. One point for every Bible in your home.
3. Your family belongs to a church on the FBI watch-list (+30)
Illegal, Semi-Legal, and Unpopular Activities
1. A point for every gun in your family.
2. A point for every scary dog.
3. A point for every hunting dog.
4. Ten points if there’s more than twelve beers in your fridge right now.
5. Twenty points if there’s moonshine in your house.
6. Someone in your family grows his own pot (+10)
7. Cooks his own meth (+25)
8. Shops at Walmart, happily (+25)
9. Works at Walmart (+30)
10. Works at Walmart for access to the pseudoephedrine (+40)
11. Five points for everyone in your family sitting in jail right now.
12. Go ahead and give yourself five points if you thought about calling down to the jail and asking the sheriff for an accurate head-count.
13. You can trace your ancestry back to a penal colony (+20)
14. Your family has ever been run out of town (+20)
15. When you see a police car in your neighborhood, your first thought automatically is that someone you know is going to jail (+30)
Whoo. Well, I could go on, but I’m out of funny things to say and I think you get the point. If you’ve scored more than 300, you’re welcome in the club. If you didn’t, well, don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s still plenty of time for folks in your family to fuck up.