Now that Mrs. Wigglebottom has become something of an outlaw, living dangerously on the edge of society, I thought I’d sit down with her for an exclusive interview. Folks, not even WKRN–not even the News2ActionDog–is attempting an interview this daring.
Of course, I knew that Mrs. Wigglebottom was perhaps the most ferocious dog in the house, a dog so scary she must be banned from the local dog parks, and I took appropriate precautions to keep her from biting me, for she has, supposedly, jaws so strong and powerful that they cannot be removed without a doctor and some dynamite. So, I did not wrap myself in bacon. Neither did I smack her repeatedly across the face with a raw steak and then shove it in my pants. I did ask her “Can I have some kisses? Ooo. Kisses from Mrs. Wigglebottom. How I love kisses from Mrs. Wigglebottom!” and she obliged by putting her paws of death on my leg and kissing me on the cheek.
I don’t know if real reporters let their subjects kiss them, but it seemed a good way to build rapport. You’ll also be interested to know that, throughout the whole interview, Mrs. Wigglebottom was naked. Apparently, she also has loose morals. I can only hope that city will encourage everyone to force their dangerous dogs to cover up. And, through much of the interview, she was gnawing on a huge bone–perhaps from a cow or mailman or a whole park full of adorable helpless puppies!
Me: Mrs. Wigglebottom. You are no longer allowed to go to the dog park. How does that make you feel?
Mrs. Wigglebottom: Roup, roup.
Me: No, we’re not going to the park. You can’t go to the dog park. Seriously, come away from the door.
Mrs. Wigglebottom: (Wags her tail and sniffs the tiny cat’s butt.)
Me: Are you dangerous?
Mrs. Wigglebottom: (Wags her tail and looks over at me as if to see if I’m going to say “park” again.)
Me: Are you a menace to law-abiding citizens?
Mrs. Wigglebottom: (Walks upstairs.)
Well, at that point, I had to end the interview. Clearly, her reluctance to talk to the media tells us all we need to know.