An Interview With Mrs. Wigglebottom

Now that Mrs. Wigglebottom has become something of an outlaw, living dangerously on the edge of society, I thought I’d sit down with her for an exclusive interview.  Folks, not even WKRN–not even the News2ActionDog–is attempting an interview this daring.

Of course, I knew that Mrs. Wigglebottom was perhaps the most ferocious dog in the house, a dog so scary she must be banned from the local dog parks, and I took appropriate precautions to keep her from biting me, for she has, supposedly, jaws so strong and powerful that they cannot be removed without a doctor and some dynamite.  So, I did not wrap myself in bacon.  Neither did I smack her repeatedly across the face with a raw steak and then shove it in my pants.  I did ask her “Can I have some kisses?  Ooo.  Kisses from Mrs. Wigglebottom.  How I love kisses from Mrs. Wigglebottom!” and she obliged by putting her paws of death on my leg and kissing me on the cheek.

I don’t know if real reporters let their subjects kiss them, but it seemed a good way to build rapport.  You’ll also be interested to know that, throughout the whole interview, Mrs. Wigglebottom was naked.  Apparently, she also has loose morals.  I can only hope that city will encourage everyone to force their dangerous dogs to cover up.  And, through much of the interview, she was gnawing on a huge bone–perhaps from a cow or mailman or a whole park full of adorable helpless puppies!

Me:  Mrs. Wigglebottom.  You are no longer allowed to go to the dog park.  How does that make you feel?

Mrs. Wigglebottom: Roup, roup.

Me: No, we’re not going to the park.  You can’t go to the dog park.  Seriously, come away from the door.

Mrs. Wigglebottom:  (Wags her tail and sniffs the tiny cat’s butt.)

Me: Are you dangerous? 

Mrs. Wigglebottom:  (Wags her tail and looks over at me as if to see if I’m going to say “park” again.)

Me: Are you a menace to law-abiding citizens?

Mrs. Wigglebottom: (Walks upstairs.)

Well, at that point, I had to end the interview.  Clearly, her reluctance to talk to the media tells us all we need to know.


One thought on “An Interview With Mrs. Wigglebottom

  1. Mrs. W. has one excellent media rep, I’m tellin’ ya. Not even a "no comment" for the pundits to tear apart; just divert them to the cat butt and give ’em the tail when you leave. <i>I don’t know if real reporters let their subjects kiss them, but it seemed a good way to build rapport.</i> Um, it is, but it can have some awkward repercussions if you have to call them back to verify a quote. (Hee.)Good wishes on the homeowner front. I’d suggest some of the lovely yet inexpensive homes on the west side of 24 near La Vergne, but that would put you in that bitch-ass 24 traffic twice a day, and I wouldn’t even wish that on Sarcastro. Check Inglewood if you can’t find something you like in Eastvegas; they still have some nice little fixer-upper brick bungalows out there with good neighbors. (P.S. — And remember, it’s not unreasonable to feel upset when loved ones continually reward someone’s bad behavior while ignoring your own good behavior. It’s just human to feel that way, miss.) Kisses!

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