Six Things Y’all Said that Made Me Want to Make Out With You

“Doing that doesn’t make one ‘happy,’ necessarily, but it’s how I want to live, anyway.”–Miss J

“Firstly, I’m just trying to hear this in my head as a polka, which might make it better, because then at least you could kick up your heels to it.”–Peg

“Keep in mind, I have produced a fully functioning human in less time.”–Heather

“First of all, I think anybody who, without sufficient forewarning, hears Mr. Spears rap should be eligible to join a class-action.”–Lee

“Rivers are dynamic and very active in this type of environment and they tend toward shallow, wide, and winding while humans prefer them deep, narrow, and straight. That’s the eternal battle between the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and essentially every river in the country ever used for navigation (see also west Tennessee).”–W.*

“Take a writing class, Strawberry Shortcake book writer! Or get a better editor!!”–the Nashville Knucklehead**




*Can I just say that, if there was a personalized phone sex line just for me, I would call up and there would be W. talking about the Mississippi River?  He’d just go on about the nature of rivers and how we get across them and I’d listen quietly while I absent-mindedly stroked my boob freckle.  Is that wrong?

Also, W. has finally fixed his comments so go over there and leave him dirty messages about water.

**Just as I firmly believe that every straight grown woman should have a clone of our wrong-headed, but eminently charming, Wayward Boy Scout, I also firmly believe that every little girl should have a Knucklehead clone in her life.  My lesbian and bisexual friends, I would give you Shug, who is cute and sweet and will let you drive her truck.  And, if she had some clones, they could all build me a house; she’s very handy like that.

Get on it, Science!  Womankind needs you!

5 thoughts on “Six Things Y’all Said that Made Me Want to Make Out With You

  1. No need for a clone, I’ll build you a house, although it might take me 20 years and be 1/2 foot off in places. I think you should start pimping me out to all of your lesbian and bi sexual friends… maybe it would convince me to move to the big city….

  2. Boy Scout–You start making offers like that, you’re going to need a bigger canoe. Also, can I just ask that you video tape the moment when you explain it to your wife? How will that go? "Honey, while you were gone, this crazy liberal girl decided that every straight woman in America needed a piece of me. What can I do? You know how powerful those liberals are. She has the media on her side. I have to make myself available to these fine ladies milling about in our kitchen. Really, if you think about it, I have no choice."W., many Midwestern girls find men who can make snarky comments about the Corps while talking about the River to be shockingly attractive. Not just me. Shoot, there’s probably an underground network of women dreaming about watching you piss into the waters there where the Ohio meets the Mississippi.Shug, if you’re going to build me a house, you won’t have time for romance!

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