A Brief Programming Note

I’m done talking about the Butcher for a little bit.  I’m just irrationally despondent about it and it’s gotten into my body.  My arms and legs hurt and I’m having trouble moving.  So, yes, I’m avoiding it.  Yes, I know and have seen repeatedly that dragging the things that hurt you out into the light tends to make them shrivel up and seem more manageable.

But there’s just too much here.  It’s not just the Butcher, it’s how precarious our finances are, and how unhappy he is and how I feel somewhat responsible for that because I needed him to move down here, and how I don’t realize that he’s just as fucked up as me, and how help is not coming.  It’s just him and just me.  We can debate why that is–if I’m fundamentally unlovable or if I push people away or if I don’t know how to ask for help and so never get it (in which case realizing that help isn’t coming is probably just another mode of that).  But help is not coming.

My whole life I’ve been praying to be rescued.  It has never happened.  It is not going to happen.  There’s nobody who sees how fucked up things are who’s going to fix things.  The sooner I can get that through my head, the better off I’m going to be.  But I have needed to be rescued from one thing or another for a long time, so stopping holding out hope for it isn’t easy.  Coming to grips with the fact that there’s only me to save me is pretty damn depressing.

Anyway, so let’s talk about other things.  It’ll probably seem stilted and awkward, but I’ve got to move on.

9 thoughts on “A Brief Programming Note

  1. "My arms and legs hurt and I’m having trouble moving. "This isn’t ALL the Butcher. Allergy season is really bad right now. Tim & I have the same problem, and we don’t have any Butchers….You know how they say it’s always darkest before the dawn? Maybe dawn is coming soon.

  2. No kidding about the allergy season — when I got out of the shower this morning I noticed my eyes were all swoll’ up.Dear B., there have been times in my life when I thought somebody had finally come to fix things, but it always turned out that I was the only one to save me. That sounds so depressing, and I don’t mean it that way — it’s just, you know, wherever you go, there you are, as I’m learning over and over again. One thing I know is that you *are* fundamentally lovable, and I’m sending you a big virtual plate of Whitts BBQ to prove it.

  3. did you get fed all the fairy tales as a child like i was? i was fantasizing about being rescued from the age of ten!i’m 37 now. divorced. i’m told i was looking for unconditional love. oops. silly me. and my dad died. so nope, no one is coming to rescue us. these are some airy-fairy new age books but they are actually helpful: the power of now, awareness by de mello, and loving what is by byron katie. awareness is very catholic but don’t let that turn you off. he’s like, listen, awareness sucks!!! how can you not love a book that starts off like that?hang in there!

  4. It amazes me that you, someone of obvious intelligence, would spend so much time dwelling on the "bad" things in your life. You are so correct, the only person that can rescue you is you. It shouldn’t be depressing at all. It took the bad events in my life to finally make me realize that I, alone, am the only one that can bring happiness into my life. You can’t wait for anyone or anything to do that for you. It won’t happen. The strength you will gain by dealing with your problems alone and rescuing yourself, will surprise you. Instead of indulging on the virtual plate of Whitt’s BBQ sent by Katherine Coble, head to the local bookstore and pick up one of the books Sarah has recommended.

  5. All right! What part of "It’s fucked up but I can’t see a way out of it so I’m done talking about it" was unclear? Shoo!

  6. Life fucking sucks woman, you know that! Take a little time to feel sorry for yourself, that’s the only way you are going to get over it! The Simon and Garfunkel song is wrong…. A rock does feel pain and an island does cry! Why we think we are supposed to go through life not feeling the bad is beyond me. If you don’t experience the bad, you will never know the good!Just don’t stick there too long as it is not productive!

  7. Uh, that was *my* virtual plate of Whitt’s and the last time I checked, a person can certainly have some goddamned barbecue while she’s figuring out how to take charge of her own life. (I’ve always felt that self-reliance and pulled pork need not be mutually exclusive.) Eat up, Aunt B.

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