People I Have Mad Crushes On Today

Adam Caulfield Kleinheider–Named after two of Western Civilization’s greatest brats–Mr. "She made me eat the apple!" and Little Lord "My Problems are So Deep and I Care So Much about my Sister"*–Kleinheider cracks me up today with his sass directed at Brit Hume:  "It’s fine, I’m not mad at him, I just wish he’d dispense with the smoke up my hindparts." and he alerts us to this weird ass thing about that hate-monger Michael Savage:  he used to hang with Allen Ginsburg.  And I do mean hang.

Rachel–She goes after Phil Valentine for playing "blame the victim" and she does it with such panache.

Oh, and Phil, she’s a college student and mother of two. Presumably, she’s stripping in order to pull herself up by her bootstraps like you conservatives appreciate so much, and to make a better life for herself and her children.

–And last, but not least, Ann Coulter.  No, no.  I know.  I don’t understand it either, but sometimes when I read her, I think "this is art."  I mean, it must be what some folks feel when they look at Piss Christ.  I’m not a softy when it comes to visual art, but Andrew Hudgins and I are on the same page about it

if we did not know the cross was gimcrack plastic,
we would assume it was too beautiful.
We would assume it was the resurrection,
glory, Christ transformed to light by light

It is one of the most amazingly beautiful, moving–dare I say?–transcendent images of Christ I’ve ever seen.  I look at that and see something that tells me more about the transformative nature of Christ than any book and most ministers.  But I can also see how people find it unbelievably offensive, how they can’t get past the sacrilege and the seeming degradation of a representation of Christ.

That’s how I feel about Coulter.  I look at her columns, like this one, which is so hilariously repulsive that I must share it with you**, and I think, this must just be art that I don’t get.  Especially check out the last part, where Ann Coulter professes her great love for Jesus.  Does anyone in America read that and not see that as deliriously insincere?  I cannot imagine.






*I should, perhaps, point out that I totally made that up.  I have no idea what Kleinheider’s middle name is.  I imagine it’s Charles or Craig or Christopher.  I secretly hope it’s Carlos and that there’s a huge scandal when it turns out that he himself is an illegal immigrant from Mexico taking blogging jobs that should have gone to real Americans.  I guess Carlos Kleinheider would be a weird mix, but no weirder than Carlos O’Kelly and that dude’s got himself some restaurant.

**Thanks to our Wayward Boy Scout for the heads-up.

10 thoughts on “People I Have Mad Crushes On Today

  1. 1. I was jealous when I thought you knew his middle name. Like you’re part of the Inner Sanctum that sees everyone’s I-9s and whatnot. My money, all ten cents of it is on "Carter". I would find it deliciously ironic. And fitting. And funny.2. Why the hell doesn’t Nashville have a Carlos O’Kelly’s? I love me some Carlos.3. Off to read the Coulter piece. Or is everyone in Nashville saying "peace" now? Our Meta-Garriganism.

  2. I cannot say anything kind about Coulter.She is a rodent with an adam’s apple and I refuse to apologize. She is just mean and she makes me feel that way as well.I will say kind things about Adam Cedric (?) Kleinheider because he sort of makes me think and he is sort of sassy with a dry Monty Python sort of droll.I dig it. I don’t always agree with him (well sort of rarely) but it’s groovy.

  3. I know, I know! But I have publish-lust. And a fondness for traditional publishing media (fiction novels). (You perhaps aren’t quite as starry-eyed as I am because of your proximity to the industry. But I dunno.) My problem is I want to write a full-length novel SO BADLY, but I — in typical procrastinating fashion — dick around with the blog instead. And while it’s fun and hones some writing skills, I’m afraid I’m going to let it prevent me from making that leap, because blogging is comfortable and easy and so much faster than writing a novel. I don’t blame the blog; I blame myself for not being serious about what I want and just DOING IT. It’s about discipline and what I need to do to get what I want.I’m glad you think what I write is important work. There are times when it feels important to me. But other times, I feel like I’m sort of screaming into a wind tunnel. It leaves me exhausted and I feel like I’m not even sure what has happened. Then again, the act of blogging is being defined as we speak. I suppose I can’t expect it to make perfect sense to me right away. Damn you, Slate!!

  4. Newscoma, don’t get me wrong. I think Coulter is as evil as evil can be. I’m just saying that she’s the one person on the planet that makes me understand the whole "writing to serial killers in prison" impulse. I’d so send her letters if she went to jail.Lindsey, also, don’t get me wrong. I totally understand why folks want to write books. Sometimes you just need to tell a story that takes that shape. Nothing wrong with that. I just hate to see the discussion (especially in Slate!) shift to blogs versus real writing. This is real writing, too.Carter? Cedric? I like Cooper. Though Adam Cooper Kleinheider makes no sense as a name. Cecil? No.What if it’s an unguessable middle name like mine?I mean, I could tell you that my middle initial was T. and unless you were some huge fan of made up ancient saints, you’re never guessing Teckla.Oh, maybe he’s named after me and his middle name is Ckla. Adam Ckla Kleinheider has a nice ring to it, in a weird way.Okay, that’s only funny to me. And, for the first time in my life, I realized how weird the name Teckla is. Just say it out loud. Kind of strange. St. Thecla’s mother was Theoclea and for some reason, that seem more like a real name that someone might have now days, and yet, that’s the one that’s been lost to the mists of time and Thecla is the one that’s stuck. Hmm.

  5. [on Coulter] >with an adam’s appleSee, I think the art is right there. Millions of conservative homophobic rednecks lusting after a tranny… it’s just too perfect…

  6. Thecla? Isn’t she the Christian wandering around in Gaza who gets ripped apart by wild beasts because she refused to be silent about her convictions? Seriously. Thecla?

  7. Aren’t all early Christian martyrs ripped apart by wild beasts because they refuse to be silent about their convictions?No, she actually was hidden in a mountain by God and then, in the most awesome phrasing ever, when she was 90 years old, "the Lord translated her. Thus ends her life." Catholic church ignores her (I heard she was de-sainted but I don’t know if that’s true; there’s a Catholic church St. Thecla in Chicago and it seems like, if she’d been unbeatified, they’d have changed the name) because women have, since Tertullian’s time, been using her as an example of a woman who preached and baptized and who God loved, so why again can’t women be priests?But the Orthodox and Coptic churchs still recognize her as an important saint.There’s also a German St. Thecla, but she’s not as interesting to me. I imagine, though, that that’s the way the name got into our family. I was named after my great grandma Theckla (who changed it to Teckla so that people would pronounce it right) and in her family in both Sweden and Germany in her generation are two or three other Thecklas and four Tiekas. I don’t know that Theckla and Tieka are the same name, but it seems suspicious to me that, before that generation there were 0 girls with T names and then there are almost ten born within a decade that have them.My grandma, Teckla’s daughter, is almost sure there was a spinster aunt named Theckla that folks called Tieka but since she never married and never had kids, she doesn’t show up on any of our family trees.So, yes, Teckla.

  8. I had a friend in college whose name was JW. The J stood for James. The W stood for W. His official name on his birth certificate was James W. Doe.So maybe it’s Adam C. Kleinheider?

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