In Which I Teach Martin Brady A Little Something About Baseball

Via Brittney, Martin Brady bemoans the fact that women move about freely in society  and thus threaten to ruin baseball

You just have to go read it for yourself.  It’s worth it, believe me.  The whole thing is hilarious.  But here’s the best part:

Women masseuses in the dugout? Next the head trainer will be a woman. Then the third-base coach. Then the manager. Meanwhile, the minor leagues will be forced legally to put women on the field. Don’t doubt that any of this can’t happen. In the past 40 years, our society has seen the unmitigated ascendance of women in all social and employment realms. Legislation has been enacted to protect—and also to encourage—their insinuation into once-male-dominated domains. Have you watched television lately? Aside from ESPN, with its mostly (but certainly not all) male talking heads, women are everywhere in places of media prominence. On any given night, a typical local network affiliate will have an all-female team handling anchor, weather and sports duties. What are the men who used to have those jobs doing now? Working at day-care centers?


My god!  He’s right.  Women are everywhere and we’re ruining everything and, worse than that, when we take men’s jobs, we force them to get really gross jobs like raising children!

I want to call Brady hysterical, just for the fun of it, but I’m worried he wouldn’t get the joke.

Anyway, Brady, here’s what I want to tell you about baseball: Baseball is not about your penis.  Baseball is not some holy sanctuary for men who feel oppressed by the presence of women.  Baseball is a business.

Baseball’s business is making money.

If baseball teams find that the best personnel they can get for the money are women, they will hire women.  If those women then stand in the dugout or near third base, as a business, baseball could not give a shit–even if individuals raise a stink.  And believe me, if there is a woman out there who can consistently throw a ball at near 100 miles an hour in the strike zone, some team is going to give her a shot, whether you like it or not.

Is baseball ever going to be overrun with women?  I doubt it.  But a day is going to come when there will be a handful of female major league players.  If they’re good enough to compete with the men and cheap enough to make it worth the teams’ while, it’s going to happen.

If you don’t like it, start your own league.  Set your own rules.  Make it a he-man woman-hater’s club if you want.  That’s your business. 

But don’t expect baseball to keep the girls out just because you find them ooky.  Don’t complain about them making business decisions that don’t reinforce your notion of the aesthetic meaning of baseball.  That just doesn’t make sense and it’s hateful.

In order to show you how idiotic you sound, I did a little find and replace.  Here’s some of what you wrote with the gender stuff changed to race:

Hernandez, in a moment of pure and (God love him) thoughtless honesty, was only striking a blow for a bigger cause: Whites’ right to have their games and to play them in the sanctity of blessed whiteness. The dugout is only an extension of the locker room, which is where whites change their clothes, shower, scratch, fart, belch, and otherwise act like white guys. Is the right to act like a white guy in danger of being legislated out too?

Listen, it’s not whites’ fault that the games they play are cool and executed at the highest physical level, and that blacks want to intrude. There’s been such a fuss over Title IX funding for so many years, and blacks got their way with that. Their opportunities to play sports have increased tremendously, and more than ever blacks are making livings throughout the sports world. The encroachment of blacks into American sports is unprecedented. And, no, we shouldn’t be surprised that the San Diego Padres have a black massage therapist working out the kinks of a third-baseman’s strained hammy.

Does anyone really think that Keith Hernandez, a guy who’s been around the block a few times, was making some kind of statement about where blacks belong in society? I think not. My guess is that Keith has a handle on the big picture. Which is, that whites, just like blacks, are entitled to their own competitive worlds, their own oneness of race, their own privacy, their own camaraderie, their own right to express themselves at a unique personal level, and, most of all, to behave freely as whites. The major league baseball dugout has always been a place where these things have been allowed to happen. Kelly Calabrese’s presence raises a potential red flag signaling the end of all that, and yes, whites have a right to be concerned.

There isn’t a damn thing wrong with Hernandez speaking his mind. It’s a free country, isn’t it? He’ll have to endure the slings and arrows of outrageous PC fortune, of course, and hell, I don’t even care that he had to issue a PC-inspired statement to cover his ass.

Would you even write that?  I doubt it.  But if you can see how much that line of thinking sucks, then why can’t you see how much your line of thinking sucks?  If a person can do the job and do it well, she should be allowed to do it.  If you want to critique Calabrese, critique her on her ability to do her job, not on whether or not she’s ruining baseball with her girl cooties.

17 thoughts on “In Which I Teach Martin Brady A Little Something About Baseball

  1. Having separate white and black bathrooms is a good thing.Having separate male and female bathrooms is a good thing.

  2. My baseball-addled high school boyfriend was always repeating his coach’s words of "wisdom" to me. My favourite tidbit was the oft-stated "Women weaken the legs." That just used to grate on me so bad, because it struck me as really utilitarian and misogynistic. Like the only purpose of a woman was sexual activity, and that would just render a boy useless to jaunt around the diamond. Ironically, he and I never had sex. But it would piss me off whenever he said it, because it made me feel like the loooooong ennnndlesss hours of watching him strut around the field were a servile allegiance instead of supportive companionship. Where was I going with this? Aside from the fact that I hate baseball? Oh yeah, I think that it’s taught up thru the ranks by misogynistic men. I think girl-loathing is a part of the culture of in-game baseball. (Not the fans necessarily, but a LOT of the players.)

  3. What Hernandez said was itiotic. Women work the sidelines of every other male sport. Having said that, talking sexism and sports is a slippery slope. Can men play in the WNBA? No. I remember when women fought to win the right to work in pro sports locker rooms, despite all the naked men running around. Can male reporters go into WNBA locker room? (I don’t know the answer to that.) Can men golfers play on the LPGA tour. No, even though women can and do play on the PGA tour.So are you saying that if a woman comes along and is good enough to play Major League baseball, but the league won’t let her, it is sexist? Then isn’t the LPGA sexist? And the WNBA? Gender discrimination and racial discrimination aren’t always interchangable.Can a black girl get a job dancing at Deja Vu? Yes. Can a man get a job dancing at Deja Vu? No. God, I hope not.As usual, I find a way to get the subject around to strippers.

  4. Oh, please. The secret is out; men have penises. Women put diapers on slightly smaller versions of these penises all the time. We’ve also seen our share of men tucking in their shirts, combing their hair, adjusting themselves, and zipping up their pants. I might be wrong, but do men commonly engage in full-frontal nudity in single-sex bathrooms? If they do, doesn’t that strike you as…umm…funny? And if they don’t, what is the objection?I suspect you’d be far more interested in the direct language about men going on in women’s rooms across the country than I would be by seeing some old man’s low-pressure pecker. Frankly, I’m surprised that men haven’t figured out that this is one of the places women can badmouth y’all freely and that you aren’t more interested in disrupting that. Or were you going somewhere else with that?

  5. Knuck,I love that you can always bring it back to strippers.I also love that I can’t quite figure out an answer to the points you raise (aside from the stripper stuff. I think we can agree that, even if one benefits from having athletic prowess, stripping is not a sport).I mean, it seems to me that part of the whole point of being an athlete is to challenge yourself and to compete and, hopefully win, against people who are as good as you, if not better. So, really, it never occured to me that some male athlete might be like "Well, I’m not as good at 80% of the other guys in the league," so I’ll go to the WNBA where I’m better than 80% of the gals in the league. That’ll make me feel like a winner."And I guess, at the end of the day, I kind of think that things like the LPGA and the WNBA are stupid. (On the other hand, I don’t think women’s sports in high school and college are stupid, so that’s just an internal contradiction I haven’t bothered to resolve.)If being a great basketball player or a great golfer or a great baseball player requires a certain set of skills and the ability to perform as well or better than the other participants, why make the gender distinctions?Let the women compete with the men for the available slots. It’s absolutely true that there are going to be very, very few women who can compete with men at the upper levels of most sports. But so what? I don’t want to see a 50/50 split on every roster. I want to see that one extraordinary woman be able to take her shot and compete against the people whose skills are a worthy match for her own.

  6. "Let the women compete with the men for the available slots."OK, then let the men compete for all the available slots in the womens leagues.Then they would become minor leagues for men, with just a couple of women, and nobody would watch and they would go out of business.That’s why you can’t have blanket "liberal feminist equality or else!" rules for everything under the sun. There are physical differences between the genders that, in some cases, require separation over forced equal access. Would you want to pass a rule that required a certain percentage of wet-nurses to be men at risk of losing federal funding over discrimination? There would be some mighty hungry babies.And Keith Hernandez is still an idiot.

  7. Ah, you conflate issues in order to prove your point! A man after my own heart.But I clearly said that women’s leagues are stupid. The implication of that position being that we should just do away with them. If that means that the minor leagues are full of women who never quite rise to the level of the majors, fine with me.Do you see some feminist purpose being served by having women-only professional sports? Maybe there’s some argument for it. I just don’t see what it is.As for your next point, I would not pass a rule that required a certain percentage of wet-nurses to be men. But if a man could do it, I’d argue that he had the right to.And, apparently (, that’s not unheard of. So, let the guys who can breastfeed do it. Why not?

  8. Lee, I see no point in separate bathrooms, especially when they’re just one-seaters.******I used to work in an auto repair shop. Sometimes I had to clean the bathroom for the mechanics. After seeing that, I can say with certainty that women and men NEED separate bathrooms. Ick.

  9. I don’t know shit about golf, but I know I like women’s basketball a LOT more than men’s basketball. It’s strategically different, with more dependence on passing, screening, and speed rather than a slow big guy standing under the basket to block another big guy driving up the lane. Men’s style of play is not necessarily the superior version of the game for many of us. If there’s a market demand to watch women play sports (which is the reason that women’s pro sports exist), why would it stand to reason that men would be the preferred athletes if only they were permitted to join the WNBA?

  10. *sigh*Steph over at Squirrels On Snark has been working in sports for twenty years. She has worked as an announcer, a writer and now an editor for the sports section for the paper I work at. The thing I saw in this mess and heard from Hernandez is that he wanted to remove the female element in the dugout. It was sexist. Steph has been in the dugout for years DOING A JOB. Believe me, she is there covering the story. She isn’t looking for a.) a date or b.) anything else but to do her what she is paid to do.*sigh*The key is folks like Steph are part of being an intellectual part of the sport, and shouldn’t be discounted because she has breasts. It is a sport and, campers, it is a job. It’s a sport, and In the case with Hernandez, it was about the personnel in the dugout, not really anything else.He needs to get the fuck over it, and it really is an argument brought up by his asinine comments about job equality.As for women and men performing in the same sports arena against each other, may the best players make the team. Then Play Ball!

  11. "Ah, you conflate issues in order to prove your point! A man after my own heart."It is one in the morning and I just got home after a 16 hour day. I don’t know what ‘conflate’ means and I’m too tired to look it up. But I’m glad I pleased you with whatever I did."But I clearly said that women’s leagues are stupid. The implication of that position being that we should just do away with them. If that means that the minor leagues are full of women who never quite rise to the level of the majors, fine with me."Well, la di fucking da! Aunt B. doesn’t like women’s sports, Do away with them! Never mind all the young girls who look up to Annika Sorenstam and Mia Hamm as inspirational figures (including my daughter, who watches women’s golf with me) and the enormous businesses women’s sports have become making millionares out of many women. Do away with them!p.s. I am fully aware even at this late hour that your words ‘implication’ and ‘fine with me’ legally distance you from responsibility for the demise of said leagues, even though I will blame you if said demise happens."Do you see some feminist purpose being served by having women-only professional sports?"You’re talking to me?!? I have no idea what a ‘feminist purpose’ is. Now go make me a sandwich and fetch me a beer.I’m not going to touch the lactating men thing. Obviously there is some other goofy eover-the-top example of natural gender differences that I didn’t think of. Requiring women to donate 20 of all sperm bank samples? Require all men to bleed for 5 days a month without dying? C’mon, help me out here.

  12. I hope you don’t mind. I made you a sandwich and got you a beer, but you never showed for them so I had them for breakfast. Yum, yum.As for you, sir, you can say "Never mind all the young girls who look up to Annika Sorenstam and Mia Hamm as inspirational figures (including my daughter, who watches women’s golf with me)" and you can say "I have no idea what a ‘feminist purpose’ is" but I reserve the right to assume that, if you’re speaking honestly about the first, you’re lying about the second.Tee hee! I may never turn you into a feminist, but your daughter is doing a damn good job of it. Cheers to the Lil’ Knuck! If I can find a "This is what a feminist looks like" shirt in her size, I’m totally buying it for her.

  13. And for you, Knuck? A t-shirt that says "I’m not a feminist, BUT I will kick your ass if you get in the way of my daughter."

Comments are closed.