Science Made Me a Feminist

Well, actually, my mom inadvertently made me a feminist.  It was during the church picnic and I was four.  The boys all had their jeans on and I was wearing one of those sun dresses with the scrunchy elastic top that matched what she was wearing.  This totally sucked, because it meant that I had to "keep my dress nice" instead of running all over and kicking up dust and acting like a wild yahoo.  I argued that it wasn’t fair if the boys got to wear jeans and I didn’t.  I cried.  I refused to come out of my room until someone showed up with a bunch of dilly bars from Dairy Queen.  But all to no avail.  I had to wear the dress and behave myself.  Fie on that crap.

But that just seemed like church stupidity to me.  I had no idea how widespread the problem was until I was in third grade and a man came in to talk to us about science and he was telling us about some delicate electronic procedure where they needed a single eyelash to do something.  And then he said, "And we never use women’s eyelashes.  Can you guess why?"

None of us could.  And he said, "Because women wear mascara and the mascara can irreparably damage the equipment."

I raised my hand.  I said, "But what if I never wear mascara.  Can you use my eyelashes then?"

And he said, "No.  Women look pretty.  That’s their job.  You’ll wear mascara."

God, I should hunt that dude down and punch him in the arm.  Then I should ask him to kindly shove his heteronormative head up his sexist pig ass.

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Republicans Want to Give Me $100

Who comes up with this shit? 

Senate Republicans want to give taxpayers $100 to counter high gas prices.  Gee, thanks, Senate Republicans.   Perhaps it’s been a while since you’ve actually purchased your own gas but when gas is $3 a gallon, $100 only gets you thirty three gallons of gas.  For me, that’s a little more than two full tanks.

So, that takes me through May, if I don’t go anywhere too out of the way.  Then what?  Gas will be miraculously cheap again?  I doubt it.

Maybe they think that, if they give us each $100, we’ll spend it on booze, thus temporarily not giving a shit how much gas costs*.

 

 

 

*On the other hand, if we each get $100 to spend on gas, some of you could spend it on driving to Nashville and giving me birthday smooches.

All, right, then, Senate Republicans!  Let’s get this passed and the checks issued before the 22nd.

50 Cent Fights Childhood Obesity

Via Radley Balko, word that 50 Cent–the man who has made a career out of having a bunch of one-hit wonders, the man shot nine times (or whatever) when he was a drug dealer, the man who is a multi-millionaire for some inexplicable reason–is helping to fight childhood obesity.

Just read this:

50, who has bared his washboard abs on album covers, said he wasn’t always so physically fit.

“I had all of the unhealthy habits,” the 29-year-old rapper said. “Soda … a lot of fast food, all those things.”

Today, he exercises regularly and _ thanks to a personal chef _ eats nutritious meals.

“I have someone that I can actually have prepare the food for me, so it’s a huge difference than just getting McDonald’s or Burger King,” he said.

Well, well, well, Curtis Jackson–look at you sending the inspirational messages to the fans.  It is those fat little punks’ fault they’re fat.  If only they would just do like you and get a personal trainer and a personal chef, they could look just like you.  My god.  Why didn’t anyone think of that before?

And I’m sorry, but fuck you, Jackson.  You know why so many kids are fat?  Because assholes like you roam the streets selling crack and shooting each other and recruiting young kids to do your dirty work because they don’t go to jail for as long and so a lot of parents are like, “Why don’t you kids stay inside?  And maybe play video games?”  Kids who can’t play outside get fat.  Kids can’t play outside because of assholes like you.

You want to fight childhood obesity?  Stop trying to sell kids on your magic water and start trying to make the streets safe for kids to be out on. 

Oh, wait, if no one thought hustling was cool, you’d be out of a job.

Okay, then, go back to what you were doing, you con artist.

Argh! A Hair

1.  Do you ever have those times when you can feel a big old hair just laying across your face and no matter how hard you try, you can’t brush it away?  I had that in the shower this morning.  I let the water run over my face, even, and to no avail.  I still felt like there was a hair covering my eye.  What kind of hair can stay in place with water running over it?  Will bridge designers start studying my hair in order to use it to make superior bridges?  Anyway, when I got out of the shower, I saw that part of the hair was in my eye, which, I guess gave it superior staying power, I don’t know.

2.  As I was looking for photos last night, I came across this one of two German American chicks with bowling balls.  Seriously, look at those women and tell me those aren’t my people?  I look just like that.  I’ve even had that chick on the right’s hair cut.

3. Ha, Ryan, I’ll never talk you into drinks and cigars now, will I?  In my defense, I wouldn’t wear those dresses.  Okay, maybe the one on the left, if it had different pockets.

4.  Anyway, I could get lost at the Library of Congress’s website, very happily, for days.  And so I share it with you.  Those of you who hate taxes may want to stay away, as I’m sure you’ll just be outraged at the crap the government wastes money on.  For those of you who don’t mind, check out the Clark sisters.  Or Nashville.  Or did you ever wonder what it would be like to have danced in a juke joint in Clarksdale, Mississippi?  I’ve seen this picture blown up large.  That thing in that guy’s ear?  It’s a quarter.  I’d bet for luck.

An Open Letter to Kleinheider

Dear Adam Cantankerous Kleinheider,

I read you loyally, and not just because you’re surprisingly cute.  And also not just because I cannot help but develop small crushes on cantankerous men; I’m genetically predisposed to that.  Trust me, the only way Mother Nature could assure men of German heritage they’d ever get laid is by instilling in women and gay men of German heritage a soft spot for cantankerous men.  

No, I read you loyally because I’m eagerly awaiting the day when you step back and say, "My god, I come from one of the least assimilaty people on the planet–people who came to America and refused to speak English, who set up their own German newspapers and churches and business districts and, in some spots in Pennsylvania and the Midwest, whole towns.  For hundreds of years.  And we didn’t ruin America.  In fact, we gave America a lot of cool shit that it’s better off having, like beer and dachshunds and Aunt B. Maybe other immigrants who don’t speak English and don’t immediately assimilate will also have a lot of good things to offer America, too."

But again, today, I’m faced with this bullshit over at Volunteer Voters.

Since 1965, we have fundamentally changed the character of our nation. Never have we had a massive and constant flow of immigrants arrive in such an assimilation-optional culture.

Kleinheider, we are the result of a massive and constant flow of immigrants who refused to assimilate.  You–Kleinheider–me–middle name Teckla.  That’s our story, too.

Have you forgotten so soon how they threatened to hang us from lamp posts?  Have you forgotten so soon how our very names made us suspect?  How commonplace signs like this were?  How much they hated and suspected us because we didn’t bother to only speak English?  Because we still kept our culture alive and vibrant?  Because we still felt a kinship to our families still in Germany?  Because they thought we were refusing to behave like "real Americans"?

Kleinheider, we used to be the very problem you’re constantly rallying against.  How can you not see that?  How can you, in good conscience, turn the things that were used against us on others?

I just don’t understand it.

Love,

Your internet aunt, B.

PunkAss Blog

If I were the marrying kind, I’d be on my knee, asking you to be my bride.