An Open Letter to Kleinheider

Dear Adam Cantankerous Kleinheider,

I read you loyally, and not just because you’re surprisingly cute.  And also not just because I cannot help but develop small crushes on cantankerous men; I’m genetically predisposed to that.  Trust me, the only way Mother Nature could assure men of German heritage they’d ever get laid is by instilling in women and gay men of German heritage a soft spot for cantankerous men.  

No, I read you loyally because I’m eagerly awaiting the day when you step back and say, "My god, I come from one of the least assimilaty people on the planet–people who came to America and refused to speak English, who set up their own German newspapers and churches and business districts and, in some spots in Pennsylvania and the Midwest, whole towns.  For hundreds of years.  And we didn’t ruin America.  In fact, we gave America a lot of cool shit that it’s better off having, like beer and dachshunds and Aunt B. Maybe other immigrants who don’t speak English and don’t immediately assimilate will also have a lot of good things to offer America, too."

But again, today, I’m faced with this bullshit over at Volunteer Voters.

Since 1965, we have fundamentally changed the character of our nation. Never have we had a massive and constant flow of immigrants arrive in such an assimilation-optional culture.

Kleinheider, we are the result of a massive and constant flow of immigrants who refused to assimilate.  You–Kleinheider–me–middle name Teckla.  That’s our story, too.

Have you forgotten so soon how they threatened to hang us from lamp posts?  Have you forgotten so soon how our very names made us suspect?  How commonplace signs like this were?  How much they hated and suspected us because we didn’t bother to only speak English?  Because we still kept our culture alive and vibrant?  Because we still felt a kinship to our families still in Germany?  Because they thought we were refusing to behave like "real Americans"?

Kleinheider, we used to be the very problem you’re constantly rallying against.  How can you not see that?  How can you, in good conscience, turn the things that were used against us on others?

I just don’t understand it.


Your internet aunt, B.

7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Kleinheider

  1. Teckla was a nun, so I guess for you, the nut fell from the tree, and then was driven with a one wood by Tiger Woods’s ancestor far, far away.

  2. "How can you, in good conscience, turn the things that were used against us on others?" is a fine, concise line that nails a lot of evil in the world. It answers another true line from W.H.Auden:"Those to whom evil is done, Do evil in return."Kleinheider is cute?

  3. Unlike Ms. Brittney, I’ve only seen pictures, but I think he looks cute in those. There’s something kind of stalwart about him.He’s not as good looking as Exador, but who is?

  4. Australian for "fellow" would probably be "bloke." If they decided they like Kleinheider, he might graduate to "mate" or "cobber."

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