When I Marry Queen Latifah, Kleinheider’s Totally Uninvited

Y’all, Kleinheider is so wrong today that I’m almost in awe.  No, I take that back.  I am in awe. 


Listen, the problem is clear: Kleinheider is grossed out by male on male anal sex. 


That’s fine.  I have an unnatural fear of getting cum in my eye.  We all have our hang-ups, things we don’t find erotic that other people do.  I, however, am not using my public platform to advance the idea that men who shoot cum into women’s faces are unnatural, because cum might get into their eyes.


No, I just tell my partners, please aim carefully.


Kleinheider could do likewise–he could tell his partners, I’m a little weirded out by the thought of another man’s penis in my ass.  Please refrain from putting any penises in my ass.


But no, instead he’s on a mission to fuck things up for gay people and to punish the rest as a handy side-effect, even though, I think it’s pretty safe to say that no gay men even want to have sex with him, especially not after this post.


Sadly, I suspect he’s also alienated fans of internal consistency.


Let’s turn to the nonsense, shall we?



Homosexuality is unnatural. It is “wrong” by almost any standard you measure it by. It is clear that both God and nature have rendered their verdict on the practice.


or



There is evidence that homosexuality is genetic. I don’t deny that.


Mr. Kleinheider, you cannot have your cake and eat it, too.  Is homosexuality “unnatural” or is it genetic?  If it is genetic, isn’t it then, by definition, natural?  How can anything go against nature?  As the old song says, you cannot go against nature, because, even going against nature is a part of nature, too.



Marriage is between one man and one woman. God and tradition have taught us this is true.


Have they?  Really?  God says that marriage is between one man and one woman?  Where?  Because I’m looking at the Old Testament here and seeing shitloads of polygamy.  Kleinheider, are you saying that the Bible is not the word of God?


As for tradition, whatever.  It’s traditional for men to get married right after college.  You married, Kleinheider?  Or doesn’t that tradition count?


In the end, of course, I agree with you.  State-sanctioned marriage should be done away with.  Y’all can just take your ball and go home, sit in your house and pout about how unnatural and ungodly the rest of us are. 


But, really, I’d rather you just get your head out of your ass and come join us out here in the paradigm where people get married because they love each other and have sex because it’s fun and it feels good and no one gives a shit who does what with whom except to gossip about it over lunch the next day.


It’s not nearly as scary a world as it looks.  You can come sit by me and I promise, I’ll protect you from any errant penises.

Coble Makes Me Snort Diet Coke Out My Nose

Ouch.  Not cool.


But check her out in the comments to this post:


(Warning, I’m about to post the Diet Coke Snorting words.  Set down your drinks.)



I saw him on Dinner For 5 and he went on and on about how he has major social anxiety problems. Which, given how many people loathe him, is understandable.


Aw, poor Jay Mohr.  Is it wrong that I secretly would love to see him and Denis Leary make out?

Methodist in Exile

One important thing to remember, or so I’m told, when interviewing folks for the play is to not let your own story get in the way of what they’re saying.

Last night I did an interview that blew my mind to the point where every time I sit down to write about it, I get caught up in how I felt, what I brought away from it, instead of settling down and getting to what they said.

So, I thought I’d get my shit out of the way here.

I left Christianity for a couple of reasons–1.  I was pissed off at the raw deal we’d gotten and angry that we were just supposed to accept it as god’s will and 2. I was tired of being pissed off and angry.

But my understanding of Christianity has been so profoundly influenced by this idea that, if you’re not suffering, you’re not doing it right and that your faith journey is just about you and Jesus alone in some fucked up S&M relationship, where he proves how much he loves you by heaping on the pain and agony.

So, talking to these folks who don’t at all experience a relationship with god as an occasion for transcendence through misery just blew me away.

Also, all of my questions were irrelevant to them.  So, that was a little awkward.  But I think it’s a good perspective to have and important.

But my point is that I was raised Methodist.  And not just twice a year Methodist, but every day at the church for one reason or another Methodist, whole extended family Methodist, O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing Methodist.

You don’t just stop being Methodist just because you practice something else, just like you don’t stop being a tuba player, even if you switch to flute.  You might be rusty after not playing for a while, but you don’t forget the sights and sounds and smells.

If I don’t get married, when I die, they’ll have a Methodist funeral for me, most likely and little old Methodist women will make my family a dinner afterwards.

That’s okay.

It’s a place I know and love–Christianity–I just can’t go back there.

I guess I’m also feeling a little jealous, but mostly I feel this enormous sense of relief to know that some folks don’t have to leave, that they stay and build happy lives for themselves, ones that aren’t organized around learning to accept suffering as your lot.

Bad Storms on Their Way

I had a headache so bad after work that I got home and the dog’s barking made me want to throw up.  I’ve taken 800 milligrams of ibuprofen, though, and that seems to have knocked it loose.


I was concerned, though, because when I took the dog out, I kept seeing these flashes out of the corner of my eye–a sure sign of more nausea–but upon closer evaluation, Mrs. Wigglebottom was able to determine that those flashes were lightning bugs, and nothing for me to be concerned about.


So, I think that, if I can get some sleep, I’ll be fine in the morning.