Less Weepy Take on the Evening

Y’all, when I look back on my life with my family, I feel like it’s marked by a lot of fucked up stupidity and misery punctuated by brief inexplicable bouts of happiness that kind of grow like tiny hearty wildflowers until someone notices them and yanks them out by the roots.

If times are tough, my family is pretty good about coming through for you.

But, folks, I’m tired of tough times. I don’t want tough times.  I don’t want there to have to be some kind of disaster for them to come through for me.

I want to be happy with them.  I want them to come through for me when the situation is good.  I don’t want them to relieve my burdens.  I want them to share my joy.

And the fact that they can’t do this for me, this thing that feels good and is easy and takes no effort and means so much, it just makes me despair.

9 thoughts on “Less Weepy Take on the Evening

  1. When my mother died, my dad remarried a woman that I thought would be great for the entire family.It didn’t turn out that way and the relationship I had with my father, tenious at best, is non-existent now. We call her the stepmonster. She’s really horrible and I guess I’m just saying in my own way, different circumstances that it may be, I do understand some of what you are feeling.When I read this, I actually feel less alone.Don’t know the whole situation, but I understand the raw emotion.nc

  2. The only person you can control is yourself. You are 100% in charge of you. Everyone else, you have to work with because they are 100% charge of themselves. How much can you influence them? How much can you influence yourself?It’s easy to say and hard to do. Especially when someone won’t do what you want or share themselves as much as you share yourself. Make your happiness for yourself and then invite others to add to it and stop dividing it.Your glass really is half full. Family is complex.

  3. I think that’s good advice, especially since I read that and really want to either take it or to argue that that’s what I already do.And I think therein lies the danger. I think it’s so tempting because it is so close to what I already do, where I let my family do whatever they want even if it makes me unhappy, because I believe that I can’t change them, I can only change how I react to them.But the thing is that I kind of hide from them with that. I don’t ever let them see when they’ve upset me or inconvenienced me or broken my heart.Do you see what I’m saying? I think that, if you ask someone to treat you better and they don’t, you just have to come to realize that you can’t really expect that from them. But I’ve never even gotten that far. I don’t ask them for anything that would make me happier or make my life easier.And because expressing discomfort or hurt or whatever has always been catagorized in my family as "being a bitch," it’s very tempting to believe that I can somehow NOT ask them for anything, NOT express my feelings, and NOT be hurt by the ways that they’re inconsiderate of me.But they’re my family and they depend on me for a lot of shit and, as such, I’m going to insist that I be able to depend on them. I think. That’s the plan anyway. We’ll see if I can pull it off.

  4. If your family is like mine, any minor show of discomfort, disagreement, "attitude", etc by any woman under the age of fifty has already won her the labels of moody, difficult, bitchy, biggity, and so forth. So you really have nothing to lose by asking for what you want. If they aren’t going to understand you anyhow and are prone to trivialize what you think is important, why the hell not satisfy yourself?

  5. I get what you’re saying and I understand your explanation. That’s where the complex part comes in.It’s a fine line between being an educated, liberated, successful and independent woman doing her own thing and within spending 5 minutes with your family reverting right back into every familiar pattern that you work so hard to change.I can do anything, dress to perfection and be ready to take on world and then my mom will say, "Couldn’t you take a minute to add a little color to your face? Here borrow my lipstick." and right back I go to 15.I have decided that the patterns feel so good, because they are so familiar, whether they are good or bad. Complex.

  6. Oh no, thank my mom, the queen of guilt and a child psychologist. I am self aware, well adjusted and impervious to just about any type of guilt manipulation.I listened to her working out a lot of angst about her extended family and watched her work on others while growing up.The pattern can be really fucked up or really healthy or somewhere in between, it just depends on how you grew up.

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