Let’s Think About Your Body the Way You Think About Mine

Sean Braisted has inspired me.

Let’s talk about prostates.  As you know, the primary purpose of the penis is to give heterosexual women pleasure, and so it’s necessary for us to monitor the prostate and concern ourselves with general prostate health.  I specifically am discouraged to see so many doctors resolving prostate difficulties through surgery and radiation treatments and chemotherapy, which may result in erectile difficulties.

While it’s true that such surgeries may seem necessary in order to prevent death, how can we really be certain that most of them aren’t just to relieve discomfort?  I don’t think we can.  And so, today, I’m asking y’all to join with me to encourage Congress to pass a law restricting all treatments of prostate disorders that might result in erectile difficulties.

Gentlemen, surely you understand.  The basic unit of society is the heterosexual family and every effort must be made to preserve that unit.  In some countries, it’s estimated that one in four women have sought sexual satisfaction from men outside of the marital bonds, thus causing the family unit to be comprised of children whose genetic materials don’t match the father.  If men took more seriously their responsibility to keep their wives sexually satisfied, we’d see far less of this family-threatening behavior.

Surveys and anecdotal evidence suggests that heterosexual women consider penetrative intercourse to be when an erect penis enters a vagina.  Penises incapable of erections therefore undermine our basic traditional understanding of what heterosexual sex is.

Since most everyone in the country agrees on this definition of sex, I’m even considering having it enshrined in the Constitution.  This way we can more easily legislate ways to curtail behavior that might harm men’s ability to perform this most natural act.

15 thoughts on “Let’s Think About Your Body the Way You Think About Mine

  1. I’m not sure you should be giving the wingnuts any ideas. Sure, they love the patriarchy, but they love controlling people’s lives even more, and I’m afraid they’ll gladly sarcrifice some of the former for more leeway in the latter…

  2. Funny. Very funny. I say that as a man with a penis capable of erection and three kids and a relaxed smiling wife to prove it.Also as a man with three kids, all of them seen before birth on an ultrasound machine screen sucking thumbs and wiggling toes, I think the parallel between prostate health and unborn children is seriously flawed. If my prostate had a beating heart, a brain of its own and the ability to move away from a doctor’s needle or sucking machine, well, I’d say "Save the prostates. Killing prostates is murder." But prostates sit down there somewhere between my anus and my penis doing very little but, as you accurately said, helping me get an erection. My prostate will never be a person if left alone to form at will; it will never paint or laugh or fall in love. A prostate is not a human or a human in the making.That said, while I believe a fetus to be a human being and the termination of that fetus to be murder, I don’t think legislation will do a whole heck of a lot to curtail abortion in America. Americans – me too – are obsessed with personal rights, more so than personal responsibility and not at all motivated to sacrifice for the sake of others…unless those others have large amounts of oil. Laws don’t change selfishness, only punish it when in the forms we don’t like.So I’m not looking to Caesar to legislate abortion into oblivion. Instead I buy sonogram machines…slowly (They’re expensive) and hope that when a woman sees a peanut with arms and legs and a heart in black and white on a screen she’ll be moved by the miracle before her and doubt whether the decision to abort or not is really about her rights and her body or about that body inside her that if left alone will be a human with the ability to make choices of its own. I hope she’ll be persuaded not by picketers or angry Christians or scary pictures but by compassion stirred from seeing her unborn child…and she’ll show mercy. I hope she’ll sacrifice for that child and think of him or her as more than a prostate, an almost meaningless piece of flesh.I worked at a children’s home for two years in Waco, Texas where I counseled numerous pregnant girls weighing options. I mention that only to say this issue is not theory for me. I’ve come as close to living it as I can without having a set of ovaries of my own. I don’t claim to know what it’s like to be pregnant and know you’re not ready or able to raise a child. I do know what it’s like to hold a child in my arms after seeing it on a screen only weeks before. It’s miraculous. I’ve never ever heard my wife describe an erection that way…maybe I’m doing something wrong.-Shaun

  3. Just two thoughts.#1. Prostate conditions tend to inhibt erections and therefore penetrative sex. #2. If there’s going to be government monitoring, I want to request you as my monitor. Bring a lot of lube.

  4. Wow, nothing like thinking you’ve written a somewhat funny, but relatively stupid, post inspired by the discovery of a new liberal blogger in town, leaving for the day, and coming back to find out that you’ve managed to piss off the far right and the Christian rock star segment of your readership!I’m both proud and upset and depressed. Which I guess isn’t a "both" since that’s three things.W., I hadn’t thought of the possibility of my government needing me to help with monitoring y’all. But that cheers me considerably. Do you mind if I wear fishnet thigh-highs and red high heel shoes while I monitor you? For some reason, nothing puts me in the mood for some monitoring like red high heel shoes.I’ll make sure to get a good manicure, too, just to insure there are no jagged edges.

  5. I’ve really had an ass-full of women speaking intelligently and humorously about the necessity of full legal, economic, and civic personhood for women. So cut that out. Right now. Or…or…I’m just going to stomp off in a huff. I think you struck a nerve.

  6. The Dad never discussed with me how his radiation seeds affected his sackshul performance. (Thank goodness!) I’m glad you wrote about prostrates because it does conjure up a funny thing in my head and it has to do with church and the male function. Yes, church and prostates do mesh. After my dad’s diagnosis of PC, the hymn "All Hail The Power of Jesus’ Name" took on new meaning….All hail the power of Jesus’ nameLet angels PROSTATE fallHe laughed…we all laughed and I still do everytime I hear it.

  7. "I’ve had such an ass-full of the feminist horse-shit, I’ll check back with you in two weeks."I’m sorry, but this is about the funniest shit I’ve seen all day. Not a word from him to debate or contest what you’ve said. (I’m not saying what you wrote can’t be challenged, but he didn’t even try.) He’s just picking up his toys and GOING HOME.If I were you I’d give him a big, long wave goodbye as he’s leaving, and never invite him back. But that is why you are a better blogger than I am.

  8. <I>I’ve had such an ass-full of the feminist horse-shit</I>I personally think it’s funny that in a discussion about prostates he uses the phrase "ass-full". It’s all so Freudian.

  9. Elias, in my pre-non-feminist days, a comment like that would have earned you my undying love.

Comments are closed.