Let’s Think About Your Body the Way You Think About Mine

Sean Braisted has inspired me.

Let’s talk about prostates.  As you know, the primary purpose of the penis is to give heterosexual women pleasure, and so it’s necessary for us to monitor the prostate and concern ourselves with general prostate health.  I specifically am discouraged to see so many doctors resolving prostate difficulties through surgery and radiation treatments and chemotherapy, which may result in erectile difficulties.

While it’s true that such surgeries may seem necessary in order to prevent death, how can we really be certain that most of them aren’t just to relieve discomfort?  I don’t think we can.  And so, today, I’m asking y’all to join with me to encourage Congress to pass a law restricting all treatments of prostate disorders that might result in erectile difficulties.

Gentlemen, surely you understand.  The basic unit of society is the heterosexual family and every effort must be made to preserve that unit.  In some countries, it’s estimated that one in four women have sought sexual satisfaction from men outside of the marital bonds, thus causing the family unit to be comprised of children whose genetic materials don’t match the father.  If men took more seriously their responsibility to keep their wives sexually satisfied, we’d see far less of this family-threatening behavior.

Surveys and anecdotal evidence suggests that heterosexual women consider penetrative intercourse to be when an erect penis enters a vagina.  Penises incapable of erections therefore undermine our basic traditional understanding of what heterosexual sex is.

Since most everyone in the country agrees on this definition of sex, I’m even considering having it enshrined in the Constitution.  This way we can more easily legislate ways to curtail behavior that might harm men’s ability to perform this most natural act.