My Cats: Heaven Doesn’t Want Them and Hell’s Afraid They’ll Take Over

I’m bleeding from my neck.  I’m covered in tuna fish and tuna fish juice.  I have a mouth full of cat hair and, I suspect, half of the Frontline that was supposed to go on the Tiny Cat.

If I die tonight, I’m laying bets on the ingesting of Frontline as the culprit, that or an infection from the gash on my neck.

But both cats have had some Frontline squirted in their general vicinity.  Hopefully that will do a little good.  Otherwise, we’re just going to have to hope that the fleas jump from the cats to the dog and get taken care of that way.  Presuming anyone has fleas.  I haven’t seen any, but you never know, I guess.

Scientists, listen up.  Here’s what you need to do.  You need to make a flea repellent for cats that is edible by said cats.  You need to camouflage that flea repellent to look like a tasty houseplant.  Then, if I want the cats to be flea free, I just place the fake houseplant that is really medicinal some place in my house where it would seem no cat could possibly ever get to it.

That plant will be unmolested, I guarantee, for less than thirty seconds.  At second thirty-one, those cats will have found a way into the plant and be chewing on it.

Why the fuck isn’t all cat medicine delivered that way?  I just don’t know.

Or fucking Purina, why don’t you get on the ball and you and Frontline get together and give me Frontline laced cat food that they can eat that will turn them into walking time bombs for fleas and ticks.

I mean there just has to be a better way to get them the flea protection they need without it involving tears and blood on my part.  As much as that shit costs, it should not also cost me vital fluids.

8 thoughts on “My Cats: Heaven Doesn’t Want Them and Hell’s Afraid They’ll Take Over

  1. And is that shit expensive or what? I’ve always felt a little strange about putting something on my animal’s skin that will absorb into her and make her poisonous. Then again, when ticks fall off her in the house, and, in their death throes, run over and get on me, the unpoisoned one, I start to wonder why they don’t make this stuff for humans.

  2. No kidding! Did I ever tell you about the tick I found on my cooter freckle? Okay, it’s not really a freckle, it’s bigger than that, like the Butcher’s mole but down near my cooter and it’s dark brown, so a tick can blend in pretty well with it. And a day after I’d gotten home from the park with Mrs. Wigglebottom, I was in the shower, just scrubbing away, and could feel something funky but didn’t see anything.And then, I kind of caught the tick under my fingernail…Bleh, it gives me the willies just thinking about it. Yes, bring on the Frontline for us!What do you do with ticks? I always flush them down the toilet. I just feel like that’s "gone and not coming back," where as every other thing you might do with them is just "gone but waiting for you to let your guard down."

  3. Ugh, I have the willies just thinking about ticks. I too have to flush them – anything else is not "secure" enough in my mind. If you want to hear me shriek like a little girl, put a tick anywhere near me.

  4. Are your cats outdoor animals? Because Jinx (indoor cat) is almost 17 and she’s never had fleas in her life, not even when Bailey was alive, if she would have been infested by her. Bailey never had them either. Hell, Jinx hasn’t even been to the vet since she was 6 months old when we had her spayed and declawed.

  5. They can go outside if they want to. For the tiny cat, this means she goes outside once every six or seven weeks. She’s not really into being outside unless there’s something really outragious by her standards going on inside–like the nephews being here.The orange cat does go outside all the time. So, I try to keep them as protected from fleas as possible.

  6. I flush ticks, too. I also can’t do the whole get-them-to-back-out thing with fire or alcohol or whatever the hell it is people recommend. I find a tick on me or another creature I love, I immediately shriek and pull the fucker off. I know you’re not supposed to do this, it leaves a little bit of the tick in you or whatever, but I just don’t have the fortitude for waiting.

  7. !. Thank you for being a responsible cat mom. I’m very sorry about your injuries and hope they heal swiftly.2. If I could bottle the HAAAAAAAAATE with which I am dive-bombed once a month from His Highness at the mere (snip) of the Frontline container, I would drop it over the U.S. Capitol building and there would be enough left to coat 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., too, oh yes. HAAAAAATE. The HAAAAAATE, oh my. (And don’t think the conversation hasn’t been along the lines of "Fine, DON’T let me put it on. And then monster bugs will EAT YOUR BRAINS, and worst of all, you’ll HAVE TO GO TO THE VET and STAAAAAAY." Sometimes that helps.)3. Trim cat’s nails, if possible. Open Frontline container and set aside. Put cat A in a pillow case with just her little head sticking out. Keeping cat in a stranglehold, snap Frontline container and apply liquid swiftly to back of cat’s head, above the neck. Put cat-filled pillowcase on a stable surface as carefully and quickly as possible. Run. Repeat next day with cat B after they’ve forgotten about the Most Horrible Awful Cruel Experience Ever in Their Lives. Taunt cats for approximately three days about said Most Horrible Awful Cruel Experience. Repeat steps monthly March-November. 4. I’m not thinking about ticks. La la la la la la la. Not thinking. Not.5. Frontline will just make you foam at the mouth. Or that’s all that’s happened to me. So far.

  8. Similarly to grandefille’s approach- you could burrito wrap your cats. That’s what I always did with mine. This does require grabbing them by the scruff to disable any claw movement. Sometimes- force is necessary, especially with cats. Here’s how:1.Spread a towel out on the bed/floor/flat surface where there is room for the cat to escape if it goes apeshit and tries to claw open your jugular. 2.Find cat, grab cat by scruff and allow it to dangle arm’s length from body as you carry cat to towel. 3.Grab both of cat’s back feet with one hand (while still holding cat by scruff with other hand) and place cat on towel. 4.Quickly fold up bottom of towel, then one side, and then the other.You’ll want to try and hold the cat by the scruff while you wrap it and try to wrap the towel as tightly as possible. This is the key. Only the head should be exposed. If it’s front paws escape from the burrito roll, you’re fucked. Abort mission. Now actually applying the Frontline is a different story- you may just want to hold the little fucker as close to you as possible while you squeeze the shit on it. It’s probably a good idea to go ahead and open it up BEFORE you burrito roll the cat. They do remember this and attempt to escape the burrito the next time you try it. They’re smart little assholes. Good luck!

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