So, yes, this week has been both a grueling endurance test of not-fun and a perfectly fine week just hijacked by my own inability to realize the proper size of problems.
But I did realize something interesting. When things were at their lowest, I prayed, instinctively, to the Christian god this prayer, “Oh god, why do you hate us? Why can’t we get some fucking breaks occasionally? If you just let us get through this…”
I’ve thought long and hard about all the reasons I left Christianity and I felt, and still feel, pretty justified in them, but I had never until this week realized how closely I associate the Christian god with my being extremely miserable, and with no choice but to just pray for the strength to endure my misery.
Y’all, I have been unhappy some in my non-Christian life, but it’s been a long, long time since I felt this specific kind of misery–the “bad things are happening, they are out of your control, just suffer through it” brand. And I had forgotten how I used to feel that way most of the time. And I know I haven’t ever realized how I link the Christian god and my misery.
And I say “linked” because, obviously, I don’t consciously think the Christian god is responsible for making me miserable; it’s not causal. But it clearly seems to go both ways. When I am miserable, I expect the Christian god to be close by and, when the Christian god is close by, I expect to be miserable.
I think that’s important. I’m not sure how, but when I realized it, it kind of brought me up short.
I’ve got to mull this over a little bit, obviously. I’m not sure what it means.