Homosexual Powers

So, the Butcher and I are watching MSNBC and they’re covering all of the "controversy" surrounding the new Superman movie.  And the girl talking head asks the boy talking head, "So, is this the gay Superman?" and the boy talking head responds that it does indeed seem to have a certain gay sensibility, because there are so many lingering shots of Superman’s body.

Okay, let’s never mind that Superman has been flying around in skin tight underwear since his inception in the 1930s, wearing eye-catching red briefs designed to invite the viewer to linger and ponder all of his super abilities.  And let’s never mind that Superman has girlfriends and, apparently, a child.

The question is not "So, in this movie, is Superman a homosexual?" but something more "sinister": Is this a big gay movie about Superman?  Does watching this movie and enjoying it mean I’m gay?

Okay, I don’t actually know if that second part is implicit in the question, but there seems to be no other explanation.  Superman is clearly a heterosexual.  It’s true that some superheroes seem to have gay subtext, but Superman’s subtext seems to all be about being madly in love with a woman who all evidence suggests would love you if only she could see the real you, but, alas, she thinks you’re something of a square.

So, what exactly could possibly make Superman a "gay" movie?  Because it’s directed by a gay man?

If so, holy shit, homosexuals, you are a bunch of idiots!  No, seriously, I’m sorry to have to be so harsh with you, but there it is: you are idiots.  You may not have noticed but this country is a little hostile towards you.  We don’t let you get married.  When you make elaborate contracts with each other in order to protect your rights and wishes, we take you to court and have those contracts nullified.  We accuse you of being child molesters and deviants and ruining our country and pissing off God.  Things kind of suck for you.

And here you’ve been sitting on this magical ability to turn things gay merely by bossing the people involved in those things around!  You can, for instance, turn a movie gay just by being the director.  This explains why you can’t get married.  You will, with your super powers, turn all marriages gay the very first time you turn to your attendants and say, "Here, you hold the rings."

Okay, folks, let’s put these things together: you live in a country exceedingly hostile towards you; you have the ability to turn things gay just by bossing the people involved in them around.  You could infiltrate all levels of society and turn it into a great big gay country merely by taking on positions of authority and bossing people around.

Become a bailiff–ta da!  Our judicial system is gay.  Become a traffic cop–voila! Commuting is gay.  Coach football–surprise!  Football is gay.

Okay, clearly this is a great idea.  It makes all of society more gay-friendly because it makes all of society gay.

So, get on it!


Unless, of course, it works both ways and I, by ordering folks around, have just turned an attempt to make everything in our society gay into the utmost in heteronormativity.  Oops.  Sorry.

Country Music Men, Let Me Help

Take your hands and put them out in front of you.  Spread your fingers and turn your hands so that your palms face each other and are approximately four inches apart.  Now bend your elbows.  Bend your wrists so that your fingers are now aimed squarely at your face.  Move your hands towards your face and, as your fingers hit your face, let your hands move slightly apart so that your fingers brush along the side of your face (this is important or you will poke yourself in a painful manner) and into your hair.  Keep going.  Your hair seems obviously well conditioned, so you should encounter no tangles.

Ta da!  Your hair is now out of your face.  Look how cute you are, generic country music man!  I can see your eyes, your cheeks, heck, even your ears. 

Do you think Don Williams goes around with his hair all hanging in his face?  No he does not.  And you know what?  Don Williams’s voice stops me cold when I hear it.  I’m not saying that your hair hanging in your face is the only thing standing in the way of your ability to differentiate yourself from all country music men with their hair all in their faces and you becoming as distinct and awesome as Don Williams, but can you risk it?

Also, country music industry, while I have your attention, where’s my remake of “I’m Gonna Hire a Wino?”  That’s an awesome song.  Also, have you considered finding someone to do a more twangy bluegrass influenced version of “Wrong Road Again?”

Okay, so here’s your to-do list, Country Music:

1.  Hair out of faces.

2.  Fun covers of the songs of my youth.

3.  New Gillian Welch record.