The Truth Penis

Whereas heterosexual men tend to take the truth better from their buddies than they do random women and

Whereas we heterosexual women aren’t ever going to tell you the whole truth because we’re either in your pants and don’t want you to kick us out, hoping to get in your pants, or leaving open the option that, should we end up being the last two people on Earth, you’d let us in your pants

The Recovering Baptist and I hereby propose the creation of the Truth Penis.

This would be a regular penis-shaped dildo, perhaps snazzily decorated with sequins or feathers, that a girl could keep in her purse and pull out when truth needed to be told. 

The presence of the Truth Penis would create a safe buffer of truth-telling space where we could be totally honest with each other without it affecting our ability to possibly fuck you, should the opportunity present itself.

So, say we’ve been dating and you’re giving me the old "it’s not you; it’s me" speech and I’m not buying it.  I could pull out the Truth Penis and you would then say, "You’re too fat" or "I’m in love with your brother." and I would say, "Thank you for your honesty.  I find the massive amounts of butt hair you have to be both awe-inspiring and kind of gross." or "Well, you’re too stupid for him."

I know!  It’s such a good idea, I can’t believe someone hasn’t come up with it before.  Maybe I could make and market the Truth Penises and become a millionaire…

20 thoughts on “The Truth Penis

  1. I think the truth penis should be made flexible and kind of elastic, so that after I hear the truth, I could whack him in the forehead with it.

  2. I think that’s a fine idea – I’m a big believer in honesty – but don’t you think it would be good if there was an analogue for you females? A Candor Clitoris, or a Veracity Vagina? Because I have no problem telling a woman that it’s not me, it’s her: however, they don’t always take it so well.

  3. Oh my! I would love to pull a Truth Penis out of my bag… all glittery, mesmerizing and as powerful as a billion vials of truth serum! Let me know when you start marketing them! ;)

  4. Well, you see Jack, part of the deal with the Truth Penis is that if you whip it out, it’s because you really want the truth and you are prepared to hear it. If the TP is on the table, it’s all truth all the time from both sides. And when we’re done, I’ll put it back in my bag and we both go back to posturing. No hard feelings. Pun fully intended. Heh.

  5. Saraclark illustrates both why there is a market need for the truth penis and why there is no such device already on the market.

  6. Yes, but in all fairness, I think the "Truth [anything]" would have the same problem. You could have a Truth Cuddly Tiny Kitten and Saraclark might stuff it up your nose. That Saraclark is an inventive woman.

  7. Great idea, but skip the feathers and sequins. Those would destroy the essence of the thing, sort of like knitting a wool lightning rod and expecting it to protect your house.

  8. Well, it’s all a part of my quest to redeem and improve the image of the penis.Ha.Haven’t you ever noticed how much time in meetings is devoted to the cock comparision? All the men have to whip out their dicks and prove that they’re the biggest boy in town. Once they get that out of their system, you can actually get down to business, if you’re lucky.Many is the time that I’ve been sitting in meetings wishing I had a penis I could pull out to get myself a chance to be heard.Perhaps the Truth Penis could be used in meeting settings as well.

  9. Sorry y’all ever since the movie Orgazmo, I’ve just had this urge to whack someone with a great big rubbery dildo. The image of a big dildo shaped red-mark on someone’s forehead(not to mention the expression on their face) makes me smile.I think using it in lieu of a gavel in "truth court" or meetings would be good too.

  10. My brother and his wife have had a truth penis for a long while; it’s simply "honest answer?"

  11. Call me old fashioned, but my wife and I just ask each other to sit on the couch in the living room when we need to have a potentially distressing conversation. And while my wife can’t carry a couch along in her purse nor I in my wallet, we avoid all those "WTF is a large rubber PENIS doing in your purse/wallet?" moments.

  12. But then again, I bet you sell about 20 million of them your first year in business….And not all of them will be used for conversational aids, if you know what I mean….

  13. Oh, sure, Austin Mike. If you have a working relationship, I can see how the Truth Penis might be redundant or riduculous. But I bet your trips through airport security are a lot more boring than mine.

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