Speaking of Magic Cures

I have zero plantars warts.  I’ve had them in my life.  I had a big old ugly one on my little toe all through grad school and I had one on my heel in high school that the doctor finally just had to go in and cut out, because it withstood medicating and freezing.  This was how I learned that anesthetic is not my friend, seeing as I felt almost the whole thing before the doctor was like "Why are you clenched up?"  "Isn’t it supposed to hurt?"

And did I try to warn the guy who took my wisdom teeth out about that?  Yes.  And was he surprised as hell anyway when I started trying to talk to him midway through the surgery?  Yes.

Where was I?

Warts.  So.  Yes, I’ve had them.

But nothing like the poor Butcher.  He’s got, at any given time, one on his foot and one on his hand.  Nothing works.  Medication, freezing, cutting them out, killing a toad and burying it during a full moon*, nothing.


Can you even guess?

Duct tape.

I don’t know why, but putting duct tape on the warts seems to make them less severe and they go away faster.

Is there anything duct tape isn’t good for?



And, obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this treatment for genital warts.  Just saying. 

But also, isn’t it strange that the Butcher has them all the time and I never get them any more?  Is he like the wart magnet of our house?  As long as he has them, the rest of us are protected? 

Oops, and it looks like, according to Wikipedia, they’re plantar warts, not plantars warts.  Well, you learn something new every day.  And they fuck with your DNA?!  How cool is that?

*Just hyperbole, folks.  We don’t really do that.

6 thoughts on “Speaking of Magic Cures

  1. I had one of these as a kid in freshman year of H.S. I had goteen it a few years earlier from my skeevy neighbor (she let me borrow her tennies) – you can bet your ass that I never borrowed shoes from anyone after that again! Eeew. Anyhow, for about 3 years I battled with it – it came & went & when the pain became unbearable (the little fucker was on the very pressure point of the ball of my foot) – I had it removed. The coolest thing (besides no longer being in excruciating pain) was that I got to wear one of my DearFoams slippers to school with my uniform. Now, in those days that was kick ass stuff. (Curious that the duct tape therapy is suggested on Wikipedia…)

  2. My husband wears duct tape on his foot for plantar warts and insists that it works the best of anything he’s tried. Plus it makes him look like such a man’s man when he takes off his socks. (Or like a dork. It depends on which of us is telling the story.)

  3. I’ve had two on my hands in my life. One, when I was a teenager, and didn’t really know how to treat it. I eventually just dug it out with an X-acto knife, which was fairly painful.The second one, in my early 30’s. I used Compound-W and it went away in about a week.

  4. Mr. Smiff cut his hand one time really bad on some sort of air conditioning contraption. It needed stitches, but, instead of wasting money on that nonsense, he applied the Bill Monroe Method….wrapped duct tape around it as tight as it would go and that was that. It was a humdinger of a laceration and now there’s just a teeny line for a scar. Much to be said about duct tape.

  5. Wow!~ Who, but our government, knew the powers of duct tape?? I’ll be stocking up, thanks for the tips!P.S. I’m really enjoying your site, thanks!

Comments are closed.